Archives for the month of: November, 2011

U R 100% beautiful,
U R 100% beautiful,
U R 100% lovely,
U R 100% sweet,
U R 100% nice, and
U R 100% stupid to believe these words…

100. Carrie Underwood

Carrie Underwood is the most-successful American Idol to date. She’s taken home every award given to country music including Entertainer of the Year as well as Grammy Awards and has even been nominated for a Golden Globe. In 2010 Carrie was married to her fiance, Mike Fisher and wrapped her wildly-successful Play On tour.

99. Claire Danes

Claire came into our lives on the television series, My So Called Life and now she’s a Golden Globe and SAG winner. Claire Danes has been growing into a fan favorite for years.

98. Giada de Laurenttis

Giada is the host of Everyday Italian on the Food Network and she is helping men across America learn more about cooking than they ever though possible. Giada who flashes her gorgeous smile makes everyone melt as they learn to cook some fabulous Italian cuisine.

97. Laura Bell Bundy

Laura became a household name when she debuted on Broadyway in the Tony-award winning musical, Legally Blonde. Since then she’s been roping her way into the country music industry, breaking through with her first hit single, Giddy on up.

96. Olivia Munn

Olivia became a household name when she landed a deal with the G4 gaming network. Since then she’s been the face of Pepsi, Neutrogena and Nike. The last few years she has been ranked as one of the Sexiest Women alive by Maxim magazine.

95. Nicole Kidman

Nominated again for an Academy Award, Nicole Kidman, is always one of the sexiest women alive. Kidman who has contiuned to select brilliant roles also added another daughter, Faith, to the mix in 2010. Nicole and husband, Keith Urban, welcomed a second daughter (via surrogate) in December.

94. Lucy Lawless

She’s the star of the Showtime series, Spartacus, Lucy Lawless has brought sex-appeal to a time period when dirt and dust ruled the landscape. Lawless isn’t afraid to flaunt her body for the role either, you can almost always catch some exposure during an episode of Spartacus.

93. Jenn Sturger

It’s a name that Brett Favre would rather never hear again his whole life but Florida State grad, Jenn Sturger does make our Top 100 list. Known for her modeling work and later as a side-line reporter for the NY Jets, Sturger has never been afraid to use her assets to take her a little farther in life.

92. Miley Cyrus

She’s finally 18 and eligible for our Top 100 lists but we’re not sure that she’ll still be relevant after this year so we’re adding Miley Cyrus in at #92. The former star of Hannah Montana wrapped 2010 with a bong video that went viral, a single that flopped and parents that filed for divorce – here’s to 2011 Miley. New album, new movies, should be a much better year.

91. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Now before many of you question how can Jennifer be so low on our list, let’s remember that while her rack is great her career has taken a turn South over the last year. Her CBS series, Ghost Whisperer was sold to NBC and then dropped by the network. Love is set to make her directorial debut later this year. We’re banking on 2011 being a turn-around year for Jennifer.

90. Kaley Cuoco

If you are a fan of Science, Star Trek or Comic Books then Big Bang Theory star, Kaley Cuoco is officially your dream girl. Cuco, who plays Penny on the CBS comedy is showing us that even if you don’t understand “science speak” you can still hang with your local Science Professors, as long as your are hot and quick-witted.

89. Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow seems to have it all, a rock star husband, family a movie career and now a great reoccurring role on the Fox comedy, Glee. Paltrow will be heading back to the small-screen this Spring, reprise her role as a substitute teacher, this time putting the moves on Matthew Morrison’s character, Will Schuester.

88. Eva Mendes

Eva Mendes is a repeat offender on the Hot 100 and she never disappoints. Mendes, who is set to appear this year in a few films will also launch a new Calvin Klein campaign this Spring.

87. Denise Richards

She might be one-step away from boarding the Crazy Train but Denise Richards is still gorgeous. Denise made headlines in late 2010 after she and ex-husband Charlie Sheen, had been seen together in NYC, just hours before Charlie held a prostitute hostage and trashed a Central Park hotel room. Denise and Charlie share custody of their 2 young daughters, Sam and Lola.

86. Ashley Benson

She’s one of the break-out stars of the ABCfamily series, Pretty Little Liars and actress Ashley Benson is making her first appearance on the Hot 100 list. You may recognize her from the Bring it on Franchise but if not then be sure to catch her as Hanna Marin, showing off her wicked ways.

85. Andrea Roth

If you haven’t been hooked on the FX series, Rescue Me, this is your final opportunity. The NYFD drama will wrap on the 10-year anniversary of the 9/11/01 attacks and we have no doubt that Andrea Roth will rock this final season. Her no-nonsense attitude and passionate spirit has gripped viewers for the last 6 seasons.

84. Padma Lakshmi

Padma is the hot host of the Bravo reality series, Top Chef. For 7 seasons, Padma has been politely asking some of the best chefs in the country to “Pack their knives and go” all the while throwing her own comments in to lead to their demise. Lakshmi’s personal life was busy in 2010, as she gave birth to her first child. Padma is currently involved in a custody battle with her baby-daddy, Michael Dell.

83. Reese Witherspoon

Reese solidified her role as America’s Sweetheart with two great romantic comedies in 2010 and will soon be see starring alongside Twilight star, Robert Pattinson, in the film version of the hugely-popular novel, Water for Elephants. Reese is also planning to tie the knot in 2011. She announced her engagement to Hollywood agent, Jim Roth late in 2010.

82. Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift is more than the Princess of County Music, she has become a world-wide phenomenon. Taylor’s 3rd album, Speak Now, broke records around the world as it blew to 1 million copies in just 3 days after its release. Taylor has already seen both of the first two singles fly to #1 on the charts and isn’t showing any signs of slowing down.

81. Tiffani Theissen

You grew-up loving her as Kelly Kapaowski and then watched her in college on Beverly Hills, 90210 and now you can catch her on the USA drama, White Collar. Tiffani gave birth to her first child in 2010, a daughter Harper but appears to be back to her rocking body already.

80. Tina Fey

You love her because she’s funny and she makes Sarah Palin look just as stupid as Sarah herself can. Tina Fey continues to rock on 30 Rock and even had us laughing in the aisles in her first feature film, Date Night.

79. Rachel McAdams

This gorgeous Canadian is a veteran on our Hot 100 lists, but no list would be complete without Rachel McAdams. Rachel added to her string of movie success with the romantic comedy Morning Glory in 2010. Rachel is set to appear in 3 films this year, which will include Woody Allen’s latest project, Midnight in Paris. All 3 of Rachel’s latest projects will hit theatres in this year.

78. Kate Middleton

Now, we might be offending the Royal Family but the woman who will one day be Queen, has to make our hottest list this year. Right now, Kate Middleton, isn’t royalty but once she makes her triumphant entrance to Westminster Abbey on Friday, April 29th she will be married to Prince William and be next in line for the throne. Be prepared, it’s going to be a world-wide extravaganza.

77. Kristin Gustafson

You may not recognize the name, Kristin Gustafson but in 2009 she became the 1st Maxim Hometown Hottie. Gustafson hails from Turlock, Califonira and has now become a professional pin-up model. She’s gorgeous alright – is she hotter than any local hometown hottie you may know?

76. Miranda Lambert

She’s pure country and if you get in her way, she’ll kick your @ss. Miranda Lambert has had an amazing year and is poised to caputre a few Grammy’s at this years show in February. Miranda will have new music out this year as well as tie the knot to fellow country-singer, Blake Shelton.

75. Maria Menunos

Maria Menunos has proved that she knows football and can catch a pass from an NFL Hall of Fame Quarterback but she can also look amazing and heat-up any red carpet. The Access Hollywood anchor keeps up informed daily of celebrity news and if you follow her on Twitter, she’ll keep you updated all on things Boston-sports.

74. Britney Spears

Even though she has new music coming out this week, Britney Spears is going to stay in the later section of our Hot 100 until she permanently fixes her weave. Sorry Brit-Brit, we’ve just seen too many pictures lately of your hair falling out. As she prepares for the launch of this new album and what is sure to be a huge tour to follow, we’ll keep our eye out for hottness.

73. Christina Hendricks

She’s the voluptuous star of Mad Men and Christina Hendricks never disappoints. Whether it’s on the red carpet of just in her office gear, Christina always looks amazing. Props to Christina also for her old-school Playboy pictures that surfaced a few weeks ago. Hey, we don’t judge, a girl has to work.

72. Emily Blunt

This British-beauty can’t make up her mind if she’s a serious actress or is willing to just take any role, like the one in Gulliver’s Travels (Anything starring Jack Black is the kiss of death) or if she’s ready to return to her Golden Globe ways Gideon’s Daughter. Outside of her career, Blunt married fellow-actor John Krasinski in 2010. No word on babies in the future but both are pretty busy right now.

71. Hilary Duff

The former Lizzie McGuire star is all grown-up and even married but Hilary Duff is still making our hot lists. Duff is now a published author set to appear in 3 major films in 2011, including The Story of Bonnie and Clyde.

70. Courtney Cox

She’s the star of Cougar Town but could soon be taking that role into her real-life. At the end of 2010, Courtney Cox announced that she and husband, David Arquette, were separating. Arquette has since entered rehab and the pair are staying out of the public eye. Courtney has said their focus remains their daughter, Coco.

69. Lea Michele

Lea Michele has become a household name, thanks to the success of Glee and now this child Broadway star is taking Hollywood by storm. She will be voicing Dorothy in a animated remake of the classic film, The Wizard of Oz and will also be singing America, the Beautiful at the upcoming Superbowl.

68. Leighton Meester

After finding success on the small-screen in Gossip Girls, Leighton Meester is flexing her film muscle. She can currently be see starring alongside Gwyneth Paltrow in the musical, Country Strong and can soon be opposite, Minka Kelly, in Roommates.

67. Karen Gillian

This Scottish actress has been capturing UK television audiences for the last 4 seasons for her role on Doctor Who. You may not recognize the name but Karen Gillian is worth taking a second look at it, trust us. We know knock-out talent when we see it.

66. Emma Stone

Emma Stone has been hovering on our list for the last couple of years, but now she’s breaking through. Fresh off a Golden Globe nomination for her role in Easy A, Emma is ready to take her career to the next level. Emma has already signed on to join the next installment of the Spider Man series, set to land in theatres in 2012.

65. Blake Lively

Blake Lively went from a Gossip Girl to a Boston-gal in the Ben Affleck directed smash, The Town. Lively stepped out of her comfort zone and delivered a break-out performance in the film. Blake is currently working on a new untitled project and is also appearing in The Green Lantern.

64. Amy Adams

Amy Adams has been nominated for every award under the sun for her role in Mark Walbergh’s The Fighter. While she’s seen all the honors go to her costar, Melissa Leo, Amy has continued to look gorgeous and gracious. Adams, who gave birth to her first child in 2010 has stated that she’s not worried about her body but why should she? She’s already back to her pre-baby body.

63. Chelsea Handler

If you don’t think she’s funny, then you don’t have a sense of humor. E! star, Chelsea Handler, has now written two hilarious books and continues to deliver night after night on her talk show, Chelsea Lately. With huge ratings, Chelsea just inked a new deal to appear on the network, through 2012.

62. Emmy Rossum

Emmy made her film debut in the Clint Eastwood drama, Mystic River. Since then she has appeared in the cult classic, The Day after Tomorrow and her critically acclaimed role in The Phantom of the Opera.

61. Jennifer Aniston

We’re going to hold The Bounty Hunter against Jennifer and keep her at #61 on our list this year. Her performance and that of co-star, Gerald Butler, earned the pair the honor of a razzie…but come on, Sandra Bullock took home a Razzie and an Oscar in the same year, so maybe there’s hope for Jen yet.

60. Victoria Beckham

She took the world by storm as Posh Spice but now she’s fashionista, Victoria Beckham. Married to one of the hottest men in the world, soccer star, David Beckham, and pregnant with the couples 4th child, Victoria is very busy these days spending time in LA and back in London.

59. Rachelle Leah

Rachelle Leah is the gorgeous face of UFC. Since making an appearance on a Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson Variety Hour special, Rachelle landed a gig with UFC and has since been promoting the mixed martial arts league since 2008. She has been listed by FHM, Maxim and GQ as one of the sexiest women alive.

58. Selena Gomez

Selena Gomez is the only current Disney Star who hasn’t had a complete melt-down. Now, she’s is receiving death threats but that’s only due to her romance with teen-throb, Justin Bieber. Selena is wrapping her Disney Channel series, Wizards of Wavely Place and is preparing to tour in support of her first studio album, Selena Gomez & The Scene. Keep in mind she’s 18 but we can’t let her first year of eligibility pass us by.

57. Paris Hilton

Now some would say that 57 is too high for the Hilton Heiress but we think is this the perfect place for Paris, somewhere in the middle of the pack. 2010 saw a much tamer Paris, maybe since buddy Lindsay Lohan would up in court-mandated jail? We’ll never know but let’s hope Paris has decided to grow-up, just a little.

56. Halle Berry

Halle Berry doesn’t age, she always is flawless, what is her secret? Halle started off 2011 with a Golden Globe nomination for her performance in Frankie & Alice and will also be back in theatres starring in Dark Tide. Halle has a little bit of personal business to take care of this year as she had longtime boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry work out a custody arrangement of their young daughter.

55. Annalynne McCord

This Southern Belle has been proving her television worth on the CW series, 90210. Ready to move her career to the next level, Annalynne has been hard at work on several films. Two films will land in theatres this year including, Blood Out and Two Wolves.

54. Arianny Celeste

We have no shortage of UFC connection this year and Arianny is a new addition to our list. Born in Vegas, where else, she was the 2010 MMA Ring Girl of the Year and named to Maxim’s hottest list and landed her own cover. She is currently dating Pro-Skateboarder, Dorien Walker and oh yeah, she’s hot.

53. Brooke Burke

She’s a “Modern Mom” but she doesn’t let that stop her. Brooke Burke is balancing a full-time career, which includes co-hosting ABCs Dancing With the Stars and her book career. Not to mention the fact that Brooke keeps her body in amazing shape, after 4 kids no less.

52. Elisabetta Canis

She’s dating George Clooney….do we really need to say anymore? Former Italian model, Elisabetta Canis, lands at number 52 on our list of the hottest women of 2011. While she’ll probably never get George to actually get married, the pair have been going strong for the last few years and she’s even been seen traveling with him to do charity work in the Sudan as well as Haiti. Hot…that’s all we can say.

51. Erin Andrews

Is there anything hotter than a gorgeous blonde who knows football? We don’t think so. Erin Andrews has been rocking the ESPN sidelines for the last couple of years but took some time off to gather new fans while competing on ABCs Dancing With the Stars. Now back on the sidelines and also anchoring coverage of the weekly college football show, College Gameday, Erin is taking the male-dominated football world by storm.

50. Daneel Harris

Named after the famed Daneel street in New Orleans, Daneel Harris is probably best-known for her role on One Life to Live and the CW drama, One tree Hill. Daneel has appeared in small roles on several television series but is set to debut in the NBC mid-season series, Friends With Benefits this spring. Hopefully this is the break she needs because we all know her looks are there.

49. Eva Longoria

She’s single boys! Well, it’s no official but word on the street is there’s no chance of any reconciliation between Desperate Housewives star, Eva Longoria and her estranged hubby, NBS-star Tony Parker. Divorce rumors began to surface after tabloids confirmed that Parker had been having an affair with the wife of a former teammate. Eva still remains as gorgeous as ever, looking amazing on all the Red Carpets this awards season.

48. Keeley Hazell

We know that some of you will think Keely should appear only in our Top 10 but we’re going to reserve some of those spots for the gorgeous women who actually work. It’s not that hard Keely to take your top off and pose, any girls who has a Facebook page has proven that. With that being said…we can’t in good conscious leave her off the list completely.

47. Tricia Helnfer

She’s the former Battlestar Galactia star who doesn’t mind to bare it all. Tricia lands at #47 on our 2011 list, mainly because she’s gorgeous. Tricia has appeared on several television series including, Lie to Me, Wharehouse 13 and Nor Ordinary Family but hasn’t worked her way back onto a recurring role on a series.

46. Dianna Agron

She’s the gorgeous and sweet star of Glee. Actress Dianna Agron has captured the hearts of Gleeks everywhere. Dianna has become a red carpet highlight with her keen fashion sense and made her silver screen debut alongside Cher and Christina Aguilera in Burlesque.

45. Eliska Buckova

The former Miss Czech Republic is one of the most beautiful women in the world. After taking the Czech title in 2008 she had competed in several international competitions, finishing in the top of Miss World and Miss Universe. We don’t care what she’s up to know….she’s worth making this list.

44. Ali Sonoma

Ali just isn’t another gorgeous face she’s the original UFC Octagon Girl. Proudly displaying her services and her great body, Ali has been named to Maxim’s hot list for the last 3 years and why in the world would we leave her off of ours?

43. Anne Hathaway

Anne Hathaway is an Oscar-nominated actress who has been impressing audiences since her early days a Princess. With two new movies coming out, Anne is also set to host the Academy Awards in February and just inked a deal to play the role of Catwoman in the next Batman film.

42. Emmanuelle Chirqui

For the last six years you’ve been hoping she’s in the episode of Entourage that you are about to watch. As the HBO series draws to a close we can only hope, and pray, that the beautiful Emmanelle draws a good crowd with her new Showtime series, The Borgias.

41. Lucy Pinder

This 27-year old is the official pin-up model of Great Britain and isn’t showing any signs of slowing down. Pinder has been named the BBCs Sexiest Woman of the Year and honestly, who are we to complain. Thanks Lucy for doing what you do so well.

40. Kate Beckinsale

As of 2009, Kate Beckinsale’s movies have grossed over $800 million – in the US alone. That makes her a mega-movie star. Kate’s next installment of Underworld is schedule to hit theatres in 2012 but if you can’t wait that long to see this gorgeous gal you’ll be able to check her out in The Trials of Cate McCullogh, which is due out in 2011.

39. Mel B

You can follow Mel B on her Style Network reality series, It’s a Scary World but you can also keep up her music career and her fashion line to get your Mel fix. Mel is currently promoting her new fitness line, which includes apparel and dvds to get the body of Scary Spice.

38. Paz Vega

As we work our way into the top 40 of our list, it’s hard to put one of these gorgeous woman ahead of another one. Paz lands this year at #38 on our list. This Spanish actress gave birth to her 3rd child last year as well as wrapped filming on her latest project, Castro’s Daughter.

37. Rihanna

She’s an R&B superstar and Rihanna hasn’t let all the fame go to her head. This songstress freqeunetly returns to her native, Barbados, to regroup with friends and family. RiRi is currently in the middle of a huge tour and has moved her life to London. Some speculate to get away from American paparazzi and do a little breathing.

36. Valerie Cruz

Valerie Cruz has appeared on some huge television series including, Dexter, True Blood and now is working in the tropical jungles of ABCs Off the Map. This Jersey girl can handle it though, she’s still working on two feature films in her free-time of shooing the new hospital drama.

35. Nicki Minaj

Fresh out of Trinidad and Tobago, Nicki Minaj is taking the music industry by storm. Her debut English album, Pink Friday has been huge in the US, with the first single landing at number 14 on the Billboard charts. Towards the end of 2010, Minaj did an interview with Details magazine, where she claimed to be bi-sexual, saying that the world of Hip-Hop music is more open to gay performers than other genres.

34. Grace Park

For years we’ve included Grace Park on our lists of gorgeous women but now we can add her role in the CBS drama, Hawaii Five-0 to our list. Park, who is part of the ensemble that is dominating Monday night network tv, looks great fighting crime amd taking time to sport her bikini body in a few surfing shots.

33. Joanna Krupa

This Polish model has become fan favorite, posing for SI’s famous Swimsuit Issue as well as posed for a PETA ad. Krupa confirmed late in 2010 that she would being hosting Poland’s version on the Tyra Banks reality series, Next Top Model.

32. Jamie Edmondson

I don’t think there’s much we can say about Jamie – it’s pretty obvious. She’s a knock-out model who has been scooped up by Heff and the Playboy franchise. I don’t think she’s going anywhere for a while, she seems to be pretty happy posing for Hugh.

31. Gwen Stefani

Gwen is the new face of L’oreal and is heading back into the studio for her next solo project. We need new music Gwen….even if it’s No Doubt, we need something.

30. Olivia Wilde

You ‘ve fallen in love with her on House each week and the beautiful Olivia Wilde comes in at #30 on our list. Olivia is also beginning to make the jump to movie star, as she starred in the Disney remake, Tron last year. You’ll be able to see plentry of Olivia in theatres this year as she has 3 film projects due out in 2011.

29. Jennifer Lopez

She’s Jenny from the Block but this year she’s going to be in your home each week on the revamp cast of American Idol. Lost of fans were skeptical of Idol replacing Simon Cowell and the rest of the panel, with the exception of Randy Jackson but so far, so good. Jennifer is showing her star power and flexing a little muscle in the first few weeks of auditions.

28. Heidi Klum

Apparently Heidi Klum is ageless. 5 kids and many years later, the now retried Victoria’s Secret model is as gorgeous as ever. Heidi has turned in her wings but isn’t slowing down, she will continue to host her Emmy-nominated reality series, Project Runway and is also staying busy with another new series, which will launch this Spring on the Oprah Winfrey Network, OWN.

27. Ashley Greene

Yes she appears in Twilight but Ashley Greene these days is staying in the limelight for her relationship with Jonas Brother, Joe Jonas. The two, who have been dating since his split that sent Demi Lovato to rehab, seem to be getting pretty serious.

26. Angelina Jolie

She just wrapped a huge film year in 2010 which included the awesome performance in Salt and then the flop in The Tourist but, still a stellar year for Angelina Jolie. So far for 2011, Angie only has a voice portrayal for the second Kung Fu Panda movie but we know after back to back movies, she’s going to be saving some impoverished counties or area of the US here soon.

25. Cheryl Cole

Cheryl Cole had a break-out year in the UK in 2010 and with the start of X-Factor here in the US and her seat between Simon Cowell and actor/rapper Will Smith, she’s going to have an even bigger 2011. Cole, who is still recording herself is also in the middle of a romance with Dancing With the Stars pro, Derek Hough. Those most be some great extended family dinners with Julianne and Ryan Seacrest.

24. Kelly Brook

Kelly has become one of the most famous models to come out of the UK ever. Since 2007, Kelly has now appeared in US versions of Playboy and Maxim. She’ll model anything form lingerie to even host Celebrity Love Island….as long as she looks gorgeous, then Kelly is there.

23. Beyonce

Beyonce turned up the Heat in 2010, launching a perfume line and being named one of the top Artists of the Decade. Her marriage to Jay-Z is always causing internet pregnancy rumors but so far, it seems the couple are just enjoying the time to themselves. Beyonce is gearing up for another World Tour in 2011 as well as just signed on to the Clint Eastwood remake of A Star is Born.

22. Megan Fox

Megan Fox went off the market in 2010, marrying long-time boyfriend, Bryan Austin Greene but she’s still keeping busy with her film career. Megan has two films due out this year and is currently filming Friends with Kids with Mad Men star, John Hamm.

21. Jessica Alba

Jessica keeps making bad movie decisions, like Little Fouckers but we love her anyway. Alba, who has always been a Hot 100 favorite does fall to the 20th spot this year. Jessica will be back in theatres in Spy Kids 4…come on Jess – just one good movie and you’d be back in the top 3.

20. Zoe Saldana

The talented and dare we say, stunning, Zoe Saldana starts off our Top 20 this year. She’s already committed to Avatar 2 and 3 over the next few years but don’t worry you can see her in several other films, including Colombian and the Star Trek sequel in 2012. We love you Zoe for getting in on some awesome franchise roles.

19. Scarlett Johansson

If ScarJo would take her acting talents and use them from time to time then she would definetly rank at the top of our list as it stands this year, she’s going to be single again soon, after announcing her split hubby Ryan Reynolds. The only film currently in the works for Scarlett is The Avengers but sadly you won’t be seeing in back on the big screen until 2012…can you wait that long?

18. Nicole Scherzinger

Nicole Scherzinger started her year off winning the ABC reality series, Dancing With the Stars, and wrapped it by appearing as judge on the NBC hit, The Sing-Off. Nicole is working on her next solo album and is hoping to have new music out this Spring…we’re waiting Nicole.

17. Kim Kardashian

Don’t hate us for putting her on here, you know you follow her on Twitter and catch a few minutes of the Kardashian crew every Sunday night on E! too. Kim, who’s 2010 included what seemed to be a revolving door of suitors, now seems to be stuck on NBA player, Kris Humphries. Maybe she’s done with the boys of the NFL?

16. Gabrielle Union

Gabby Union has been on of the most gorgeous faces in Hollywood for years but is now becoming even more popular due to her relationship with NBA star, Dwayne Wade. The pair have been dating since Wade separated from his wife in late 2009. While Gabrielle has been seen on the television series, Flash Forward and Army Wives she will be back in theatres this year, with her role in The Van Zandt Shakedown.

15. Abbey Clancy

Where would our list be without British pinup models? Abbey Clancy lands at number 15 on our list, she’s been on eo fht eSexiest women in the world for the last 3 years and 2011 will be no different. Abbey will also make another list this year, that of celebrity babies being born. She is due with her first child in March.

14. Ainett Stephens

You probably don’t recognize the name, Ainett Stephens but she’s one of the most popular Miss Venezuela contestants, EVER. Even though she didn’t take home the title, her career was launched into another stratosphere and she has hosted several reality television series as well as launched a successful modeling career.

13. Gisele Bundchen

Gisele took some time off in 2010 but in her free time, gave birth to her first child, a son Benjamin, with her NFL star hubby, Tom Brady. Gisele was back in front of the camera lens just a few months after giving birth and has modeled some but also enjoyed some time off with the family.

12. January Jones

The Mad Men star is going to be exploding this year as she is the new face of Versace. Her campaign, which begins this Spring will launch in April and see this on-screen housewife nude and sporting a glammed up look.

11. Marissa Miller

Marissa has been in the for-front of Victoria’s Secret ans Sports Illustrated the last few years and it’s easy to see why. Now, taking charge of her brand she has also inked deals with the NFL and the USO. Marissa traveled to Europe with the NFL, when her hometown San Francisco 49ers hit London this season and is also on a world-wide tour of American military bases.

10. Bar Rafaeli

Bar Rafaeli is one of the top models in the world. You can see her on any magazine cover, at Fashion weeks around the world and catch her jet-setting around with long-time boyfriend, Leonardo Dicaprio.

9. Minka Kelly

She was the star of Friday Night Lights and in 2010 she was named Esquire’s Sexiest Women of the Year. Her relationship with Derek Jeter has become more high-profile that she would like but her career is beginning to reach new levels. Minka has a new movie out with Leighton Meester as well as just inked a deal to appear in the new ABC series, Charlie Angels.

8. Selita Ebanks

In 2010 Selita Ebanks reminded us all just how amazing she is when she appeared in the Kanye West video (Or short-film) Runaway. Ebanks directed and starred in the project. She’s been laying low for the past few months but is gearing up like all Super Models for Spring Fashion weeks around the world.

7. Mila Kunis

Mila isn’t the little girl from That 70s Show anymore. Kunis is kicking of 2011 with a Golden Globe and Screen Actors Guild nomination for her performance in The Black Swan. And don’t forget, she is single. Mila just split from her boyfriend of 5-years, child actor, Macaulay Caulkin.

6. Inez Sainz

Inez Sainz is the Erin Andrews of Mexican sports coverage. Naturally, she covers lots of futbol, or soccer but you have to give her credit, it’s not easy to look this good and talk about soccer. In November of 2010 she was hired to cover her fist event in Texas, working a Super Welterweight Championship in Arlington.

5. Brooklyn Decker

Brooklyn Decker is one of the favorite at SI’s Swimsuit Issue, she’s married to Tennis star, Andy Roddick and she’s making her film debut with Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston now. Maybe not the strongest choice for your first major film role but I guess a gorgeous blonde has to start somewhere.

4. Katy Perry

Now we know, she’s not single anymore but come one, if you are hot enough I bet you can get her away from her new husband, Russell Brand. Katy Perry lands at #2 on our list. This California Gurl is preparing a huge tour, set to kick-off this Spring. The California Dreams tour promises to be filled with all kind of surprises for Katy’s fans and of course, follow her on Twitter and Facebook for extra opportunities to chat with Katy while she’s on the road.

3. Amanda Seyfried

Amanda Seyfried has surprised us in roles like Mama Mia and Chloe but she is ready to rock in theatres this March when Catherine Hardwicke’s Red Riding Hood is released. Seyfried has been cranking out movie after movie but her personal life also seems to be in good shape. She has been spotted since Halloween several times with actor, Ryan Phillippe.

2. Natalie Portman

Don’t let the current baby bump fool you, Natalie Portman is one of the most gorgeous and classy actresses in the world. She just took home SAG and Golden Globe Awards for her performance in Black Swan and is now the front-runner for the Oscar.

1. Sofia Vergara

Our #1 Hottest Woman of 2011 is the stunning, Sofia Vergara. Her role as Gloria on the Critically acclaimed series, Modern Family, has made her a household name. Vergara has been up for individual honors but hasn’t quite been able to take home a statue but that isn’t stopping her from having a good time. Awards show red carpets have been very good to Sofia and quite frankly to all of us. She also will debut her brand new fashion line at Kmart stores around the country this Spring.

http://www.popcrunch.com/the-100-hottest-women-of-2011-20-1/

That’s all Women want…… Really?

No, I am NOT bald !

Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says “Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity…….” They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says “Oh no! Not for me!”

They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, “Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it.” The Devil then says, “Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced.”

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A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, “What are these things daddy?” His dad said, “Condoms son.” The boy asked, “Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?” The dad replied, “The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March….”

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Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary’s pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, “Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!”
The waiter says, “Can I help you, sir?” Gary yells, “There’s a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!” The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, “What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair.” Gary says, “Yeah? Well, how long do you think I’d have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?”
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

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One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”. So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”. The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”. Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27”, she replies

“Fuck me”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins”

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The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.”

The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.”

He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!”

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”

He replies,”I can’t get into your knickers!”

“And you never bloody will if you don’t change your attitude.”

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How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.

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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???” , “DO IT!”. So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.”

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There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”

COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.

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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window…

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?

“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

She replies, “Yes, getting herpies – thats why I am here!”

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This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. “Put your finger in me…” she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. “Put two fingers in…”, she says. So in goes another one. She’s really starting to get worked up when she says, “Put your whole hand in!”. The guy’s like, “Ok!”. So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud “Put both your hands inside of me!!!”. So the guy puts both of his hands in! “Now clap your hands…” commands the girl. “I can’t”, says the guy. The girl looks at him and says “See, I told you I had a tight pussy!”.

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A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, “My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!”. The cat says, “I don’t think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter.” The penis outraged, says “At least your master doesn’t put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!”

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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”. The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

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A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentile, I’m still a virgin.” The husband being shocked, replied, “How’s this possible? You’ve been married three times before.” The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I miss him!”

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On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.”Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?” He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”. He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

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John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a year!” To John’s dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, “Tonight�s the night!”

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”

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One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.” Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?” Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

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A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, “What is it without touching it?” The blind man replies, “That’s a good piece of fir.” “Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one.” “That’s a bad piece of willow,” says the blind man. “Correct,” answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. “I’m confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?” The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, “Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!”
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A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: “The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor’s cows! “Wow,” says his friend, “what did the vet do to that bull?” “Just gave him some pills'” said the farmer. “What kind of pills?” asked his friend. “I don’t know, but they sort of taste like peppermint.”

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There was this old woman who heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”

So the woman asked, “Is this a record?”

To which the man replied, “No, its average!”

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Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. “She’s incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.” said one doctor. “Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!”

The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!”

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. “Oh my God!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”

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A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. “What happened to you?” asked the doctor. “Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow’s ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake.” The doctor looked puzzled and asked, “What mistake was that?”
“I said ‘Hey this looks like yours hun!'”

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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

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A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person “How much are the washer and dryer?”

“Five dollars for both of them,” the salesman said.
“Yeah right, you’ve got to be kidding me!” the man replied sarcastically.
“No, that’s the price,” the salesman said, “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll take them!” the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. “How much?” he asked.

“Five dollars for the system,” the salesman answered.
“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.
“No,” said the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”
“Sure,” the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?”
“Five dollars,” was the familiar response.
“I’ll take that too!” the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
“Why are your prices so cheap?”

The salesman said, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business!”

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What a woman says…

This place is a mess! C’mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You’ll have no clothes to wear if we
don’t do laundry right now!

What a man hears…

blah blah blah blah blah C’MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

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A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
“Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?”
“Yes, officer… I know I was speeding — but it is a matter of life or death.”
“Oh, really? How’s that?”
“There’s a naked woman waiting for me at home.”
“I don’t see how that is a matter of life or death.”
“If I don’t get home before my wife does, I’m a dead man.”

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A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, “I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich.” The Madam says, “For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf.” The trucker says, “I’m not horny, I’m homesick.”

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A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, “What size?”

He says, “I don’t know.”

She holds up a finger and says, “That big?”

He says, “Bigger.”

She holds up three fingers and says, “That big?”

He says, “Smaller?”

She holds up two fingers and he says, “That’s it.”

She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, “Medium.”

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An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, “Wife Name – Three Horse.”
“That’s an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?”
“It’s an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag.”

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?” The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.”

The old lady suggested, ” Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”

The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

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A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.”

She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.”

The cowboy said, “Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.” She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”

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A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. “What are you doing?” she asks. “Mom, it’s my LOVE dress!! Don’t you like it?” I’ll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over” replies the mom.

When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. “Now what are you doing?” “Mom, it’s my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!”

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: “Honey, what are you doing?” she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, “It’s my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?” Her husband thinks long and hard and says, “I think you should have ironed it!”

——————————————————————————–

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.” Replied the widow, “Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was.”

——————————————————————————–

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary.”

The guy says, “What’s wrong with her?”

The boss shows him a picture, and she’s hideous.

The boss says, “It’s only fair to tell you, she’s not only ugly, she’s as dumb as a wall.”

The guy says, “I don’t care what you offer me, it ain’t worth it.”

The boss says, “I’ll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island.”

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he’s about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, “Bring me a hammer.”

She mumbles, “Get the hammer. Get the hammer,” and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, “Get me some nails.”

She mumbles, “Get the nails. Get the nails,” and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, “Fuck!”

She mumbles, “Get the bag. Get the bag.”

——————————————————————————–

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”

“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

——————————————————————————–

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, “What’s that?”

She says, “It’s me lower mouth.”

He says, “What do you mean, ‘your lower mouth?'”

She says, “Just what I said, it’s me lower mouth. It’s got a moustache… It’s got lips…”

He asks, “Has it got a tongue in it?”

She says, “Not yet. . .”

——————————————————————————–

Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.” “Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left… The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house:
“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, Buddy”

——————————————————————————–

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.

“I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!”

“Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now.”

“I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. “Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he’ll wake up won’t he?

“Sugar, he certainly won’t. If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him.”

Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and fucked her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!”

Man who does not deserve good day. But those who do it for duty, may be with a handshake too bureaucratic and cold. Those who enjoy a little time, because they are too anxious to rest, will never know what it’s like a mad woman of pleasure, having a mini stroke uterus, delivered in the most profound, intense and true. Those who really give themselves to this art-based humility and deserve the sky, land and sea and a thatched cottage. They deserve to be forgiven, blessed, massaged, idolized. Those who still mourn the make, size horny, deserve our toothbrush, lavemos deserve to dishes, they deserve accept disappearances in the carnival and they deserve until they liberate other parties. A man who really knows how to suck a woman does not need a car, money, style, beach house or collection of Proust on the headboard. The Vice Guide to Sucking Pussy is the best writing about sex I’ve ever read in my life. If women’s magazines so they could talk about sex, the world would be infinitely less annoying. Below are some topics of the text:

1) Short
Do nothing if not the end. Unlike a blowjob, suck a pussy can never be done as a favor.

2) Do not let the fountain dry
A dry pussy is a pussy sad. If your fingers found a dry, go back to kissing and hugging for a while.

3) Mission submarine
Once it is foaming, it’s time to descend. Keep your fingers away from there and not touch anything for now.

4) dividing the Red Sea
Prepare the battlefield. Pubes are for a blowjob which cavities are to dental hygiene.

5) The triumphal entry
Add the first lap slowly. It is good to moan too – shows you are enjoying and have direct audible vibrations inside.

6) Shake the boat
Suck pussy is so tricky that can make you feel a little queer. If you’re tired of playing the dancer, go straight to the point. Discover how much action can stand her clitoris without letting her uncomfortable and show who is the commander.

7) Identifying the type of clitoris
After calmly lick, it’s time to start the party. There are two types of clitoris: those who enjoy a strong grip and what not. The latter is as bad as a stick with two inches, then you should leak soon.

8a) Clitoris who need a good deal
These are the coolest, because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clitoris is the killer of his partner.

8b) than Clitoris
Some clitoris do not want to be separated and beaten. These are the most boring and need to be treated kindly. In this case, banque St. Bernard to enjoy it. Simple as that.

9) The conclusion
Once you’re done (full service), they want you out of there on time because that region is very sensitive. Instead of leaving, put his tongue out and lick it like a soggy carpet and thick.