Archives for the month of: March, 2013

When Love Hurts: The Emotionally Abused Man

January 23, 2009

Does your relationship with your girlfriend or wife leave you feeling bad about yourself? Do you frequently feel misunderstood, rejected, vilified and devalued in your relationship? Do you feel trapped or stuck? Do you believe it’s possible for men to be emotionally abused by women?

Believe it. It happens all the time. The stereotype of an abusive relationship is that of a man physically beating a woman. Society has yet to acknowledge the vast number of women who emotionally abuse men. In fact, the men who are being abused oftentimes don’t realize that their wife’s or girlfriend’s behavior is abusive.

2569321033_221a5b6a20-copy-2They use different terms to describe this behavior like nagging, bossy, difficult, strong-willed, tough, harsh, argumentative, “passionate,” or aggressive, which they always follow up with some excuse such as, “She had a really tough childhood. She was abused.” Lots of people have had less than ideal beginnings, but they don’t take it out on others in their adult relationships.

Men have been brainwashed into believing that it’s normal for women to be irrational, moody, emotional, and demanding. Most men accept these behaviors under the guise that a woman is ‘just expressing her feelings’ and men are uncomfortable with because ‘men aren’t good at expressing their feelings.’ This is ridiculous.  This behavior makes men uncomfortable, just as it would make most women on the receiving end of it uncomfortable because it’s abusive.

Men, you need to wake up and stop blinding yourself to the obvious. If you walk on eggshells around your partner because you’re afraid she’ll flip out on you for minor transgressions or simply because she’s in a bad mood, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If nothing you do, no matter how hard you try pleases her, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she regularly puts you down, criticizes or demeans you through name-calling and humiliation, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she shuts you out, gives you the cold shoulder or refuses to have sex with you in order to control your behavior, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. There’s no shame in admitting this. In fact, it’s your wife or girlfriend who ought to be ashamed.

Emotional abuse is like a cancer that eats away at your psyche until you’re left feeling powerless, worthless, anxious and/or depressed. Most of the time it happens so gradually that you don’t notice it. You explain away the first few tantrums, emotional outbursts and rage episodes. You take her criticisms to heart because you want to please her. You’d give anything for her to go back to the way she was during the honeymoon phase of your relationship when she was fun, sweet and loving and therein lies the problem.

2569321033_221a5b6a20-copy-2-copyShe’s not abusive all the time. Sometimes she’s nice. Now and again, she’ll even make a grand loving gesture and you convince yourself that the relationship isn’t that bad. Abusive personality types frequently have a very charismatic and seductive side. If she was all bad all the time, you’d have never become involved with her, right? Their charming side is how they suck people in. Over time, the charm wears thin and their abusive traits dominate.

You can’t fix this. You can’t make her stop. You can’t make your relationship better. You can go to all the therapy sessions in the world and read all the How to Understand Women books on Amazon, but you won’t be able to change her behavior. Why?

First, it’s highly unlikely that your girlfriend or wife will see her behavior as abusive because “everything’s your fault” and, most importantly, her abusive behaviors are how she gets what she wants. It’s a learned and highly effective behavioral technique, which, even if she gains awareness about it, will be terribly difficult (if not impossible) for her to break. The goal of an abuser is control and the way they control you is through emotional abuse.

Don’t want to admit you’re being controlled or abused? Ok. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • Are you spending more and more time at work because you don’t want to go home?
  • Have you dropped out of touch with friends and family? When you communicate periodically, do you smile and tell them everything’s great as you feel the knot in your stomach tighten and the lump in your throat harden?
  • Do you always feel like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop?
  • Have you withdrawn from life while retreating into alternate realities, e.g., books, films or the Internet?
  • Are you experiencing feelings of shame, worthlessness, low self-esteem or emotional numbness?
  • Are you experiencing physical symptoms like chronic stomach pain, nausea, headaches, digestive problems, insomnia or fatigue that your doctor can’t diagnose beyond “may be stress-related?”
  • Are you drinking more or using recreational drugs more than you used to? Are you using them to escape from or numb yourself to the unhappiness of your situation?
  • Do you feel unlovable? Like something’s “wrong” with you or that you’re “bad” or “crazy?” Do you worry that if you left your partner that no one else would want you?
  • Do you experience symptoms of depression, including thoughts of suicide?
  • Do you engage in risky behaviors in which your death would be considered “accidental” like reckless driving, riding your bike alone through rough terrain, going into dangerous neighborhoods,or walking into traffic without looking?

If you answered “yes” to more than one of these questions it’s highly likely that you’re suffering the effects of emotional abuse. Most often women (and men) with these traits either have Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder characteristics, if not full blown personality disorders. These psychiatric conditions are extremely difficult to treat. All three can be extremely emotionally abusive types who are incapable of feeling true empathy, which does not bode well for you.

You need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life being treated like this or if you want a chance at real love and happiness. You should probably seek some form of formal support to:

  1. Help resurrect your feelings of self-esteem and worth.
  2. Understand why you were attracted to this woman in the first place so you don’t end up in another abusive relationship again.
  3. Learn some behavioral techniques to deal and cope with these behaviors.
  4. Help you decide if you want to end this relationship and, if so, support you through it.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/23/when-love-hurts-the-emotionally-abused-man/#comment-87445

How to Get Over an Abusive Girlfriend or Wife: Break the Routines

Written by on November 16, 2010

She’s finally out of your life. The last of her things have been removed from your home, and she’s gone. You have a tremendous sense of emptiness, and a tremendous sense of relief. And, let’s face it, you feel pretty guilty about feeling the relief.

What do you do next? The house is finally quiet. She’s not there to scream at you. She’s not there to dictate what you eat, what you watch on TV, what music you listen to, what you wear, how long you’re in the bathroom, what brand of soap to use, how long to wash your hands, how to fold the towels, or the sheets, what time you go to bed, or what time you get up, when and how you talk to her, and what time you’re allowed to come home from work.  What do you do?!

 

Your ex may not have been this controlling.  Mine was. And when she was finally gone, the silence was deafening.

As I’ve written about before, her controlling nature and gaslighting eventually caused me severe cognitive difficulties. I was simply unable to function. One day, I even made it halfway to work, and noticed I was still wearing my pajamas.  I had to stop at Target and buy clothes on my way in.  Even now, two years out, I still have memory lapses, difficulty remembering names or other simple things.  But that’s something for another post.

What do you do when she’s gone? Break the routines.  Stop doing everything her way. Stop. You didn’t do things that way before she came into your life and you managed pretty well, didn’t you?  Remember? Every habit of hers you’ve taken on, even if it is something as simple as folding the towels a certain way to appease her, needs to stop.

This will take effort.

One thing my ex insisted on was that we enter and exit the apartment via the back door. The front door was not to be used under any circumstances. To this day, I have no idea why. After she left, I noticed that I was still using the back door. I forced myself to stop. Even if I’d already entered or exited via the back door, I made myself turn around, go back, and use the front door. It took a while, but I got it.

Now is your chance to do all those things you were forbidden to do. Watch gory movies! Turn the music up loud! Leave the dishes until the following day! Cook what you want for dinner. Stay up as late as you want. Rediscover the things you used to enjoy doing.

Did she make you sit through endless hours of Sex and the City or Grey’s Anatomy? Put in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, or The Godfather. Go buy that thing she wouldn’t let you own.

When you’re ready to take the next step, there are a few things I would suggest:

  1. Get a new bed: Seriously, I cannot even begin to emphasize how much this helps psychologically. There’s too much history wrapped up in the old bed. Get rid of it. Start fresh. I promise, you will sleep better.
  2. Change the locks: This should be a no-brainer. You don’t know if she’s surreptitiously made copies of keys, or taken hers with her. Take charge of the security of your surroundings. She does NOT need access to the home anymore. You don’t need to come home and find her there or your personal possessions missing.
  3. Return her mail: Chances are that she probably has not filed a change-of-address form with the post office. You will get mail for her, which she can then blame you for not forwarding. DO NOT FORWARD HER MAIL TO HER. YOU ARE NOT HER POST OFFICE. There are trained professionals who do that. They are called mail carriers. There is something deeply satisfying about marking her mail “no longer lives here, return to sender” and dropping it in the mailbox. Not your fault if she doesn’t get her latest credit card, W-2 or other important document on time. She should have filed with the post office.
  4. Change your phone number: If you have children, this, unfortunately, probably isn’t good advice. But, if you don’t, there’s no reason she needs to know how to get a hold of you anymore.
  5. Change your e-mail address: See above. Coupled with the fact that she, in all honesty, has probably hacked into your e-mail, looking for something to use against you. My ex gained access to my e-mail and I felt extremely violated. In fact, I stopped answering (or even checking) my e-mail for months afterward.  Eventually, upon settling on a new e-mail address, I’ve gotten better about this. Again, if you have kids (which, really is the only reason to maintain contact that I can think of, this may not be an option).
  6. Move: Eventually, the memories of being with her in my old apartment became too much. I was in constant fear that I would find her there waiting for me. Additionally, there wasn’t a room in the apartment that didn’t have “psychic residue” of too many fights lingering in the air. I relocated to another town entirely and live in a place that has no shared history with her. I am happier and feel safer than I ever did in the old place.  She and I lived together for 7 months, but that was enough to completely obliterate the “good” memories I’d had in the two years in that apartment prior to her being there. Start over. Start fresh.

If you are the one leaving, rather than her, you can still do pretty much all of these things. If there aren’t kids involved, again, I can’t think of any good or logical reason for her to know your whereabouts. Just make sure you fill out the change-of-address card with the post office. You don’t need her reading your mail.

Finally, and this is particularly hard – I KNOW – be prepared to sacrifice mutual friends. I know that some of them are good people. I know that some of them are close friends. But if they weren’t your friends before the relationship, they may not be your friends after the relationship.

Chances are, you’ve been smeared to them for quite some time and they will probably have a warped view of you. Even if that’s not the case, you don’t need to accidentally run into her, via them, or have them inadvertently let her know where you are. Letting go of some of these friends will hurt. But, I promise you, the security and peace of mind you have with her out of your life, and not knowing where you are, will more than make up for it. While I’m at it, there is absolutely NO reason to maintain contact with her family, unless, again, there are kids involved.

Break the routines she instilled in you.

Build new ones, and better ones; ones that are your own.

It’s your life, again. You have it back.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes.

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Spanish Computer
A SPANISH Teacher was xplaining  to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either  masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine:  ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

A  student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’ 
 
 
Instead  of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and  female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a  masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for  its recommendation.

 

The men’s group decided that  ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’),  because:

1. No one but their creator  understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to  communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone  else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for  possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to  one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for  it.
 

(THIS GETS  BETTER!)

 
The women’s group, however,  concluded that computers  should be Masculine (‘el computador’),  because:

 
1. In order to do anything with  them, you have to turn  them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still  can’t think for  themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve  problems, 
but half the time they ARE the problem; and

 
4. As soon as you commit to one,  you realize that if you  had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a  better  model.

The women won.

Send this to all the smart women you know

…And all the men that have a sense of  humor

Our role in identity and belonging

 

  1. yes”> It is difficult to possess a sense of belonging when we are unsure of our own identity.
  2. yes”> Our identity determines where we belong.
  3. yes”> Only upon reflection can we establish our identity.
  4. yes”> Mistakes help shape our identity.
  5. yes”> Everyone needs to feel a sense of belonging.
  6. yes”> Sometimes one may feel satisfaction if they do not belong.
  7. yes”> Discovering our identity is a challenging journey.
  8. yes”> Identity is never static.
  9. yes”> Everyone struggles with their identity.
  10. Others only see our true identity when we are confident with ourselves.
  11. We possess true identity when we belong to ourselves and not others.
  12. We find strength when we belong.
  13. Identity is shaped by positive and negative experiences.
  14. Our identity is never perfect; we must accept the good as well as the bad.
  15. We know our identity when we are happy with ourselves, not how people view us.
  16. Belonging relies on us forfeiting our individuality.
  17. Our identity is influenced by how others view us.
  18. Sometimes one’s sense of identity can cause more harm than good.
  19. Our belonging is not dependent on whether others accept us, but whether we accept ourselves.
  20. As long as we are confident with ourselves, then we will belong someplace.
  21. Belonging can be fulfilling and difficult at the same time.
  22. Belonging can trap and isolate us.
  23. Some people sacrifice themselves in order to belong.

Role of relationships in identity and belonging

  1.  Our identity is shaped by our relationships.
  2.  Our sense of identity can be difficult for others to accept.
  3.  Belonging to one group pushes us away from another group.
  4.  We cannot belong to multiple groups.
  5.  Belonging can distort one’s identity.
  6.  Family and friends help us define our identity.
  7.  Our relationships help strengthen our identity.
  8.  Belonging is when people accept you for who you are.
  9. Sometimes we can lose loved ones when we find our sense of identity and belonging.
  10. Relationships are an important factor in our sense of belonging.
  11. Who and where we belong influences our sense of identity.
  12. Other people may believe they know our identity, but in reality, they may not know us at all.
  13. Where we belong is influenced more by family than friends.
  14. The identity of one changes with different relationships.
  15. Belonging to a group involves us impressing others.

Role of environment in identity and belonging

  1. One’s physical environment does not necessarily indicate that one belongs.
  2. We never truly identity who we are because we are constantly shaped by our surroundings.
  3. Culture is an important factor in shaping one’s identity.
  4. It is only through multiple exposures to different environments that we can define our identity.
  5. Humans live in a world where everything tries to make you something else.
  6. It is only through a safe and supportive environment that we are free to discover our identity.
  7. We can lose our identity and belonging when our environment changes.
  8. We possess multiple identities when placed in different situations.

http://www.vcestudyguides.com/guides/context/identity-and-belonging/identity-and-belonging-prompts

 

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge leaving Rehearsal for the new season of Dancing With The Stars.

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Audrina Patridge Leaving for Rehearsal

Read more at http://www.glamgalz.com/index.php/celebrity-gossips/audrina-patridge-leaving-for-rehearsal.html#BYG5257sZ02ckyiA.99

Why Women’s Workspaces Have More Germs & Where You Should Be Cleaning

Clean Office

Have you cleaned your office recently? I’m on one of my cleaning binges where I turn the whole house upside down and dust and scrub until I fall over from sleep deprivation. It made me think: which germs am I bringing INTO my home with all the bags I tote around?

Clean your officeIt turns out that the purse and laptop bag that help keep me organized also contribute to germ infestation in my office. In fact, a woman’s office reportedly has twice as much bacteria as a man’s office, largely because of handbags.

Researchers believe that because women put their bags on bathroom floors, in shopping carts and in cars, the bags transport the germs from place to place. So next time you drop your handbag on your desk, think again.

Have you wiped down your bag? Here are three more spots that often get overlooked:

Mouse: There are so many great products on the market for cleaning your keyboard, but what about your mouse? Go for a non-toxic wipe and if you want to use a spray cleaner, first spray it on a paper towel or cloth and then wipe the mouse. You don’t want liquid going directly into the ports and mechanical.

Desk surface: I’m terrible about eating at my desk. Turns out that your table top may have 400 times more germs than a toilet seat. Yeah, puke. Choose a cleaner made for your surface. For example, wood cleaner for wood or glass cleaner for glass. Just be sure it has antibiotic properties.

Door handle: You go in and out thousands of times in a year and probably would never think to wipe it down. Then, think of all the people who also touch your office door handle. While you’re at it, wipe down all the door handles in the whole house.

(Images: Elizabeth Giorgi)

What do you call a asshole with half a brain?
Gifted.
—————————————————————————-

What’s the difference between government bonds and assholes?
Bonds Mature.
—————————————————————————-

What is the difference between a asshole and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a
fish.
—————————————————————————-

What did god say after creating assholes?
I can do better.
—————————————————————————-

Asshole husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
—————————————————————————-

Why do assholes want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.
—————————————————————————-

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those “Believe it or
not?” Shows. They had an asshole born with a penis and a brain.
—————————————————————————-

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A asshole’s undivided attention.
—————————————————————————-

What are two reasons why assholes don’t mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
—————————————————————————-

How is an asshole like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many
inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.
—————————————————————————-

Did you hear about the banker who’s a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
—————————————————————————-

Why are assholes like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
—————————————————————————-

What do you call an intelligent asshole in America?
A tourist.
—————————————————————————-

Why do assholes play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
—————————————————————————-

If assholes got pregnant….
abortion would be available in convenience
stores and drive through windows.
—————————————————————————-

Why do assholes name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the
person who makes all their decisions.
—————————————————————————-

Did you hear about the asshole who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
—————————————————————————-

Why do assholes like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
—————————————————————————-

How do some assholes define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
—————————————————————————-

What is gross stupidity?
144 assholes in one room.
—————————————————————————-

Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to
put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you?
—————————————————————————-
How many assholes does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off
and shake the stove.
—————————————————————————-

What is an asshole’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
—————————————————————————-

How do assholes sort their laundry?
“Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.
—————————————————————————-

Only an asshole would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
—————————————————————————-

Why did god create assholes?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
—————————————————————————-

Why were assholes given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn’t hump other assholes’ legs at cocktail parties.
—————————————————————————-

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed,
“how sad – a dead bird.” The other asshole looked up and said,
“where?”
—————————————————————————-

Why does the stupid asshole put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.

King Arthur and the old Very UGLY Woman

Young King Arthur was ambushed  and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The  monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and  ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a  very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure outthe  answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?…What do women  really want? Such a question would perplex even the most  knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since  it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.
He returned to his kingdom and  began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and  even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could  give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to  consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the  answer.
But the price would be high;  as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant  prices she charged.
The last day of the year  arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed  to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price  first.
The old ugly woman wanted to  marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and  Arthur’s closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified.  She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like  sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant  creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend  to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning  of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round  Table.
Hence, a wedding was  proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur’s question thus: What a woman really wants,  she answered….is to be in charge  of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom  instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s  life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring  monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman  had a  wonderful  wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached  and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered  the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman  he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot  asked what had happened.
The young beauty replied that  since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would  henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the  beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer?  Beautiful during the day….or night?
Lancelot pondered the  predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,  but at night, in the privacy of hiscastle, an old ugly woman? Or,  would he  prefer having a  hideous woman  during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is  below.
BUT….make YOUR choice before  you scroll down below.
OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she  announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected  her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now….what is the moral to  this story?

The moral is…..

If you don’t let a woman have  her own way….

Things are going to get  ugly…

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