Archives for the day of: March 19, 2013

Why Women’s Workspaces Have More Germs & Where You Should Be Cleaning

Clean Office

Have you cleaned your office recently? I’m on one of my cleaning binges where I turn the whole house upside down and dust and scrub until I fall over from sleep deprivation. It made me think: which germs am I bringing INTO my home with all the bags I tote around?

Clean your officeIt turns out that the purse and laptop bag that help keep me organized also contribute to germ infestation in my office. In fact, a woman’s office reportedly has twice as much bacteria as a man’s office, largely because of handbags.

Researchers believe that because women put their bags on bathroom floors, in shopping carts and in cars, the bags transport the germs from place to place. So next time you drop your handbag on your desk, think again.

Have you wiped down your bag? Here are three more spots that often get overlooked:

Mouse: There are so many great products on the market for cleaning your keyboard, but what about your mouse? Go for a non-toxic wipe and if you want to use a spray cleaner, first spray it on a paper towel or cloth and then wipe the mouse. You don’t want liquid going directly into the ports and mechanical.

Desk surface: I’m terrible about eating at my desk. Turns out that your table top may have 400 times more germs than a toilet seat. Yeah, puke. Choose a cleaner made for your surface. For example, wood cleaner for wood or glass cleaner for glass. Just be sure it has antibiotic properties.

Door handle: You go in and out thousands of times in a year and probably would never think to wipe it down. Then, think of all the people who also touch your office door handle. While you’re at it, wipe down all the door handles in the whole house.

(Images: Elizabeth Giorgi)

What do you call a asshole with half a brain?

What’s the difference between government bonds and assholes?
Bonds Mature.

What is the difference between a asshole and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a

What did god say after creating assholes?
I can do better.

Asshole husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do assholes want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those “Believe it or
not?” Shows. They had an asshole born with a penis and a brain.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A asshole’s undivided attention.

What are two reasons why assholes don’t mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

How is an asshole like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many
inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.

Did you hear about the banker who’s a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are assholes like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.

What do you call an intelligent asshole in America?
A tourist.

Why do assholes play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

If assholes got pregnant….
abortion would be available in convenience
stores and drive through windows.

Why do assholes name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the
person who makes all their decisions.

Did you hear about the asshole who won the gold medal at the
He had it bronzed.

Why do assholes like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.

How do some assholes define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.

What is gross stupidity?
144 assholes in one room.

Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to
put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you?
How many assholes does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off
and shake the stove.

What is an asshole’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do assholes sort their laundry?
“Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.

Only an asshole would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

Why did god create assholes?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

Why were assholes given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn’t hump other assholes’ legs at cocktail parties.

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed,
“how sad – a dead bird.” The other asshole looked up and said,

Why does the stupid asshole put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.

King Arthur and the old Very UGLY Woman

Young King Arthur was ambushed  and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The  monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and  ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a  very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure outthe  answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?…What do women  really want? Such a question would perplex even the most  knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since  it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.
He returned to his kingdom and  began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and  even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could  give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to  consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the  answer.
But the price would be high;  as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant  prices she charged.
The last day of the year  arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed  to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price  first.
The old ugly woman wanted to  marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and  Arthur’s closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified.  She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like  sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant  creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend  to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning  of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round  Table.
Hence, a wedding was  proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur’s question thus: What a woman really wants,  she answered….is to be in charge  of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom  instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s  life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring  monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman  had a  wonderful  wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached  and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered  the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman  he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot  asked what had happened.
The young beauty replied that  since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would  henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the  beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer?  Beautiful during the day….or night?
Lancelot pondered the  predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,  but at night, in the privacy of hiscastle, an old ugly woman? Or,  would he  prefer having a  hideous woman  during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is  below.
BUT….make YOUR choice before  you scroll down below.

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she  announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected  her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now….what is the moral to  this story?

The moral is…..

If you don’t let a woman have  her own way….

Things are going to get  ugly…


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