Archives for posts with tag: ass

What do you call a asshole with half a brain?
Gifted.
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What’s the difference between government bonds and assholes?
Bonds Mature.
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What is the difference between a asshole and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a
fish.
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What did god say after creating assholes?
I can do better.
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Asshole husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
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Why do assholes want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.
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I went to the County Fair. They had one of those “Believe it or
not?” Shows. They had an asshole born with a penis and a brain.
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What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A asshole’s undivided attention.
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What are two reasons why assholes don’t mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
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How is an asshole like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many
inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.
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Did you hear about the banker who’s a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
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Why are assholes like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
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What do you call an intelligent asshole in America?
A tourist.
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Why do assholes play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
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If assholes got pregnant….
abortion would be available in convenience
stores and drive through windows.
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Why do assholes name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the
person who makes all their decisions.
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Did you hear about the asshole who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
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Why do assholes like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
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How do some assholes define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
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What is gross stupidity?
144 assholes in one room.
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Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to
put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you?
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How many assholes does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off
and shake the stove.
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What is an asshole’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
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How do assholes sort their laundry?
“Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.
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Only an asshole would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
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Why did god create assholes?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
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Why were assholes given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn’t hump other assholes’ legs at cocktail parties.
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Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed,
“how sad – a dead bird.” The other asshole looked up and said,
“where?”
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Why does the stupid asshole put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.

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The Best Smart Ass Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight..
‘Would you like dinner?’, the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
‘What are my choices?’ John asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’
The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

Back Massage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2O-grGUVplI