Archives for posts with tag: camelia camy

The 10 worst offenses of online parent gloating

by Rhiana Maidenberg | November 9, 2011

http://www.babble.com/mom/work-family/humble-brag/

 

1: “My 19-month-old won’t stop talking. It is driving me crazy!”

The Humble Brag: I'm my 19-month-old won't stop talking.  It is driving me crazy!

Really? Define crazy. Because I’m pretty sure that even from here, I can see you shudder with delight over each “word” he says, be it “ball” or “ba .”

2: “My husband is so thoughtless.  He had his secretary buy me a Tiffany’s bracelet for Mother’s Day.”

The Humble Brag: My husband is so thoughtless.  He had his secretary buy me a Tiffany's bracelet for Mother's Day

That must be really hard for you! I felt similarly when my husband forgot the day altogether.

3: “I was so sick during my pregnancy.  I only was able to gain 10 pounds!”

The Humble Brag: My husband is so thoughtless.  He had his secretary buy me a Tiffany's bracelet for Mother's Day

How horrible! You must have lost all your baby weight within the first two weeks! I, on the other hand, gained 50, so I was able to work it off for months and months.

 

4: “Help! My 18-month-old insists on pooping in the potty, and I’m not ready to potty-train!”

The Humble Brag: Help! My 18-month-old insists on pooping in the potty, and I'm not ready to potty-train!

Poor you, you must really miss wiping poopy bottoms. Maybe he will have an accident — cross your fingers! 

5: “I just dropped my children off for a week at the grandparents. What will I do without them?”

The Humble Brag: I just dropped my children off for a week at the grandparents.  What will I do without them?

I can think of a few things: Sleep in, eat in peace, read a book without pictures, watch television shows other than Curious George and Super Why … should I keep going? Fine. Get a mani-pedi, get a bottle of wine, have sex in the living room …

6: “I am so tired of being asked if I am my childrens’ nanny.  I can’t help that I look so young.”

The Humble Brag: I am so tired of being asked if I am my childrens' nanny.  I can't help that I look so young.

 You’re right, that totally sucks. On the other hand, giving birth aged me four years in just fourteen hours. Which sucks more.

7: “My 2-month-old already sleeps through the night.  Should I be waking her to nurse?”

The Humble Brag: My 2-month-old already sleeps through the night.  Should I be waking her to nurse?

Are you kidding me? Eight hours of uninterrupted sleep must be really taxing on you! You should book a massage.

8: “Whenever I take my child anywhere, strangers always stop us to admire her.  I can’t even go grocery shopping in peace!”

The Humble Brag: Whenever I take my child anywhere, strangers always stop us to admire her.  I can't even go grocery shopping in peace!
Maybe you should try having her wear a ski mask. I hear that this look is coming back with the toddler crowd.

9: “How do I support my best friend whose toddler is developmentally delayed, when my own is so advanced?”

The Humble Brag: How do I support my best friend whose toddler is developmentally delayed, when my own is so advanced?

Well, for starters, you should be sure to always mention your child’s milestones whenever you get together, and announce her superior abilities on every technological medium available. Other mothers love that!

10: “My husband is really annoying me.  He wants to be so involved in the child rearing.”

The Humble Brag: My husband is really annoying me.  He wants to be so involved in the child rearing.

I know, right?! Last weekend, after 18 holes of golf, my husband insisted on putting the girls to bed! SO ANNOYING

 

 

 

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Why Women Are More Sensitive to Stress
by LiveScience Staff
Date: 18 June 2010

Women are more likely to suffer from depression and stress out than their cool male counterparts. New research suggests there might be a biological reason for the gender difference.

The new study, done on rats, finds females are more sensitive to low levels of an important stress hormone and less able to adapt to high levels of it than males. Since rats do have some of the same neural systems we do, the rat research could have implications for humans, though stress in humans is more complicated than in rodents, the researchers say.

It has long been recognized that women have a higher incidence of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other anxiety disorders, said study researcher Rita Valentino, a behavioral neuroscientist at The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. But the underlying biological mechanisms for that difference have been unknown.

Valentino’s research focuses on corticotropin-releasing factor (CRF), a hormone released in the brain in responses to stress, in both humans and rats. CRF is a neurotransmitter, meaning it helps communicate signals between brain cells. Some neurons “send out” the CRF signal while others contain receptors to receive it.

Valentino and her colleagues analyzed the brains of rats as they responded to a swim stress test, aimed to trigger the release of the CRF hormone.

In female rats, neurons had receptors for CRF that bound more tightly to the hormone than in male rats, and so were more responsive to CRF.

Also, after exposure to stress, male rats had an adaptive response, called internalization, in their brain cells. Their cells reduced the number of CRF receptors, and became less responsive to the hormone. In female rats this adaptation did not occur.

“This is an animal study, and we cannot say that the biological mechanism is the same in people,” Valentino said, adding that other mechanisms play a role in human stress responses, including the actions of other hormones. However, “researchers already know that CRF regulation is disrupted in stress-related psychiatric disorders, so this research may be relevant to the underlying human biology,” she said.

In addition much of the previous research on stress disorders in animal models used only male rodents, so important sex differences may have gone undetected, Valentino said. “Pharmacology researchers investigating CRF antagonists as drug treatments for depression may need to take into account gender differences at the molecular level,” she said.

http://www.livescience.com/10707-study-women-sensitive-stress.html

8 Tips To Avoid Contacting Your Ex This Holiday Season
Ami Angelowicz
November 29, 2011

1. Erase all ex numbers from you phone and hide all applicable profiles on Facebook. It’s like keeping ice cream out of your fridge if you’re on a diet. If you know you are susceptible to bouts of delusional holiday nostalgia, protect yourself by ex-proofing all electronic devices. I like to erase all “high risk” phone numbers and write them in a journal with a list of all of his most undesirable traits next to it. That way, if I have the urge to send a text, I am instantly reminded of all the reasons I shouldn’t.

2. Exercise a lot. You will be accomplishing a few things at once; keeping your mind occupied, staying healthy, and spending time away from all ex-proofed electronic devices.

3. Emotionally eat and drink (a little). Don’t eat the whole pie or drink the whole bottle, but a little indulgence will make you feel merry, not to mention that sugar rush. Provided you are exercising enough (see #2), the physical repercussions should be minimal and the emotional repercussions are less severe than ex encounters.

4. Spread your joy, not your legs. Nothing puts priorities in focus like a little do-gooding. Volunteer at a food bank, buy a present for a needy child, or visit a nursing home. Suddenly, feeling sorry for yourself that you’re single will feel lame. And you’ll be reminded of how selfish your ex was. That bastard.

5. Give yourself the gift of makeover. Depending on your budget of course, give yourself a present that you can afford. Get a new haircut, a pair of heels, a dress, a mani-pedi, or a sparkly trinket to make yourself feel hot and open to new prospects should Santa and his elves be so kind as to send them. You wrote him a letter, right? Hope he got it.

6. Make the yule tide gay. Literally. Hang out with your gay boyfriend and not your ex boyfriend. Keep your dance card full of activities that you like to do with a male person you like to do them with. Ice skating, karaoke, or shopping will be way more fabulous.

7. Make a list and check it twice. Put together a list of all the reasons he’s naughty and doesn’t deserve to hear from a good girl like you ever again. Then toss it into the fire along with those chestnuts. If your brother finds it, he’ll never let you live it down.

8. Make plans and backup plans, and backups to the backup plans. Boredom leads to bad decisions. Make sure you know who is around over the holidays to deck the halls with and who is available to emergency phone calls should you find your resolve caving at 2 am after a viewing of “An Affair To Remember.”

http://www.thefrisky.com/2011-11-29/8-tips-to-avoid-contacting-your-ex-this-holiday-season/#more-1677092

That’s all Women want…… Really?

Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says “Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity…….” They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says “Oh no! Not for me!”

They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, “Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it.” The Devil then says, “Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced.”

——————————————————————————–

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, “What are these things daddy?” His dad said, “Condoms son.” The boy asked, “Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?” The dad replied, “The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March….”

=================================================================================
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary’s pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, “Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!”
The waiter says, “Can I help you, sir?” Gary yells, “There’s a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!” The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, “What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair.” Gary says, “Yeah? Well, how long do you think I’d have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?”
———————————————————————————–
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

——————————————————————————–

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

——————————————————————————–

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”. So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”. The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”. Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27”, she replies

“Fuck me”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins”

——————————————————————————–

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.”

The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.”

He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!”

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”

He replies,”I can’t get into your knickers!”

“And you never bloody will if you don’t change your attitude.”

——————————————————————————–

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

——————————————————————————–

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.

——————————————————————————–

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???” , “DO IT!”. So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.”

——————————————————————————–

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”

COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.

——————————————————————————–

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window…

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?

“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

She replies, “Yes, getting herpies – thats why I am here!”

——————————————————————————–

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. “Put your finger in me…” she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. “Put two fingers in…”, she says. So in goes another one. She’s really starting to get worked up when she says, “Put your whole hand in!”. The guy’s like, “Ok!”. So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud “Put both your hands inside of me!!!”. So the guy puts both of his hands in! “Now clap your hands…” commands the girl. “I can’t”, says the guy. The girl looks at him and says “See, I told you I had a tight pussy!”.

——————————————————————————–

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, “My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!”. The cat says, “I don’t think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter.” The penis outraged, says “At least your master doesn’t put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!”

——————————————————————————–

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”. The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

——————————————————————————–

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentile, I’m still a virgin.” The husband being shocked, replied, “How’s this possible? You’ve been married three times before.” The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I miss him!”

——————————————————————————–

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.”Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?” He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”. He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

——————————————————————————–

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a year!” To John’s dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, “Tonight�s the night!”

——————————————————————————–

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”

——————————————————————————–

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.” Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?” Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

——————————————————————————–

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, “What is it without touching it?” The blind man replies, “That’s a good piece of fir.” “Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one.” “That’s a bad piece of willow,” says the blind man. “Correct,” answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. “I’m confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?” The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, “Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!”
—————————————————————————————
A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: “The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor’s cows! “Wow,” says his friend, “what did the vet do to that bull?” “Just gave him some pills'” said the farmer. “What kind of pills?” asked his friend. “I don’t know, but they sort of taste like peppermint.”

——————————————————————————–

There was this old woman who heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”

So the woman asked, “Is this a record?”

To which the man replied, “No, its average!”

——————————————————————————–

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. “She’s incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.” said one doctor. “Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!”

The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!”

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. “Oh my God!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”

——————————————————————————–

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. “What happened to you?” asked the doctor. “Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow’s ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake.” The doctor looked puzzled and asked, “What mistake was that?”
“I said ‘Hey this looks like yours hun!'”

——————————————————————————–

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

——————————————————————————–

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person “How much are the washer and dryer?”

“Five dollars for both of them,” the salesman said.
“Yeah right, you’ve got to be kidding me!” the man replied sarcastically.
“No, that’s the price,” the salesman said, “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll take them!” the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. “How much?” he asked.

“Five dollars for the system,” the salesman answered.
“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.
“No,” said the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”
“Sure,” the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?”
“Five dollars,” was the familiar response.
“I’ll take that too!” the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
“Why are your prices so cheap?”

The salesman said, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business!”

——————————————————————————–

What a woman says…

This place is a mess! C’mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You’ll have no clothes to wear if we
don’t do laundry right now!

What a man hears…

blah blah blah blah blah C’MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

——————————————————————————–

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
“Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?”
“Yes, officer… I know I was speeding — but it is a matter of life or death.”
“Oh, really? How’s that?”
“There’s a naked woman waiting for me at home.”
“I don’t see how that is a matter of life or death.”
“If I don’t get home before my wife does, I’m a dead man.”

——————————————————————————–

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, “I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich.” The Madam says, “For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf.” The trucker says, “I’m not horny, I’m homesick.”

——————————————————————————–

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, “What size?”

He says, “I don’t know.”

She holds up a finger and says, “That big?”

He says, “Bigger.”

She holds up three fingers and says, “That big?”

He says, “Smaller?”

She holds up two fingers and he says, “That’s it.”

She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, “Medium.”

——————————————————————————–

An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, “Wife Name – Three Horse.”
“That’s an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?”
“It’s an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag.”

——————————————————————————–

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?” The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.”

The old lady suggested, ” Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”

The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

——————————————————————————–

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.”

She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.”

The cowboy said, “Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.” She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”

——————————————————————————–

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. “What are you doing?” she asks. “Mom, it’s my LOVE dress!! Don’t you like it?” I’ll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over” replies the mom.

When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. “Now what are you doing?” “Mom, it’s my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!”

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: “Honey, what are you doing?” she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, “It’s my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?” Her husband thinks long and hard and says, “I think you should have ironed it!”

——————————————————————————–

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.” Replied the widow, “Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was.”

——————————————————————————–

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary.”

The guy says, “What’s wrong with her?”

The boss shows him a picture, and she’s hideous.

The boss says, “It’s only fair to tell you, she’s not only ugly, she’s as dumb as a wall.”

The guy says, “I don’t care what you offer me, it ain’t worth it.”

The boss says, “I’ll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island.”

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he’s about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, “Bring me a hammer.”

She mumbles, “Get the hammer. Get the hammer,” and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, “Get me some nails.”

She mumbles, “Get the nails. Get the nails,” and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, “Fuck!”

She mumbles, “Get the bag. Get the bag.”

——————————————————————————–

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”

“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

——————————————————————————–

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, “What’s that?”

She says, “It’s me lower mouth.”

He says, “What do you mean, ‘your lower mouth?'”

She says, “Just what I said, it’s me lower mouth. It’s got a moustache… It’s got lips…”

He asks, “Has it got a tongue in it?”

She says, “Not yet. . .”

——————————————————————————–

Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.” “Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left… The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house:
“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, Buddy”

——————————————————————————–

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.

“I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!”

“Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now.”

“I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. “Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he’ll wake up won’t he?

“Sugar, he certainly won’t. If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him.”

Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and fucked her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!”

10 Things Women Dont Like About Men

Everyone knows that a woman’s brain works completely different to a man’s brain, we think different when it comes to relationships or love.

Have you ever heard someone say? “All men are alike” , yet I bet you have, I heard that saying so many times that I thought it must be true then, because I would hear it from my mom, aunt, female friends, and just any women.

But then I saw a clear connection between that saying and the women that said it, most of the women I heard say “All men are alike” were because they had bad experiences with men in the past. Most women that said that around me were because they were cheated, abuse or other reasons that made them not trust men or having the misconception that all men are the alike.

Well how do we really know if all men are alike? How about the most commonly hated things a women don’t like about men, and make your own conclusions after you read them.

For Men: Read each one carefully and see if you have done any of them

For Women: See if you have come to the conclusion that all men are alike because of this 10 things.

1. Feelings

Women in general like to talk, they are socially open towards others, they make friends easily and express their feelings more often. Men are the complete opposite, a men expressing their feelings may be interpret by others ( men in general) as a sign of weakness, and in conclusion men dont like to talk about feelings with women, and some women do not understand why this is.

2. Relationship

Women hate it when men dont talk about the status of a relationship, because women like to know if the relationship is moving forward, men in the other hand likes to avoid conversations regarding a relationship status.

3. Being Ignored

Women hate when men ignore them, or dont pay enough attention to them, a women likes to feel special, and they hate it when a guy doesnt spent enough time with them or tells her how special she is.

4. Friendships

Some women dont like that during a relationship a man talks to female friends on the phone or hangs out with female friends, and sometimes a it can be guy-friends as well, because men together tend to act different, or might spent too much time with the guy-friends, a woman don’t mind guys spending time with their friends as long as the friends don’t start hogging all the time and attention.

5. Lying

A women hates it when a man lies, when a man lies and gets caught, theres a chance the “all men are alike” might come up.

6. Not Clean

Women hate a man without basic sense of hygiene and etiquette, a women likes to see a man well groomed and clean.

7. Past Girlfriends

A woman doesnt like to hear a man talk about past relationships or talk about how many girlsfriends he had, a man in a relationship talking to one of his ex-girlfriends is a one of the things a woman hates the most.

8. Goals

Women desire a man who knows where he is going in life as that’s an attitude of winner and women want to be around such men. They don’t want to be stuck around negative men who don’t know which way their life is going and have no plans for the future.

9. Controlling

Women do not like men who act like door mats but at the same time they do not prefer men who like everything their way all the time. Women like to be in the leader spot once in a while and prefer men who are good listeners.

10. Insecurity

Women dont like when the man is always insecure about their woman, and when they have to track every move they make and every person they talk to, it shows the woman that there is no trust in the relationship.

Perfect Man

There is no such thing as a perfect man, or even a perfect person we are all different, and when it comes to relationships we must try to understand this, always tell your partner if you dont like something, honesty is the key to long lasting relationships, dont try to change your partner because it wont get you anywhere, no one likes to be told they need to change, but simple communication can open many doors in your relationship. If you want to learn some tips about how to understand your partner better and avoid discussions, read….

Although men are not perfect, and we (including me) have many bad habits and flaws, we must try to comprehend our partners point of view, if we are aware of what our partner in relationship does not like its easier to avoid a confrontation or fight.

Theres also lots of things us men dont like about women, but if I begin making the list now I might not finish writing till….

http://lesterd2009.hubpages.com/hub/10-Things-Women-Dont-Like-About-Men

Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Top 10 Tips for Blogging

By: S. Housley      
 

1.) Stay on topic.
Opinions are generally accepted but the content of the items in the blog should all relate to a general theme. Unless you have an uncanny knack for wit, humor or cynicism, the majority of your readers will be interested in the content that relates to a specific defined theme or loosely defined area of interest. Most readers won’t care that you eat Cheerios for breakfast. They may, however, be interested in the fact that vinegar takes out stains and that toilet paper rolls make great wreaths. Define a topic and stick to it. This will ensure that you create a loyal following of interested readers.

2.) Stay informative.
If you are attempting to create the impression that you are knowledgeable about a specific industry or sector, be sure that you stay current on news. If you are endorsing a product or voicing an opinion, be sure to check your facts; your reputation is at stake. If you are offering an opinion, be sure to qualify your post, making it clear that the content is intended as an editorial.

3.) Old news is not news.
While blogging every day can be a drain, it is important that the information presented is current and accurate, writing an article or blurb about something that happened 6 months ago, will not be of interest to many. Telling your audience that Martha Stewart was convicted and will be going to prison, after her sentence is completed will make people question the value of your columns.

4.) Adhere to a schedule.
Create a schedule and stick to it. Realizing that blogging requires time and effort, don’t create unrealistic expectations and be unable to deliver. An occasional lapse or holiday is generally understood but readers returning to find stale, out-dated content are going to find another blog with similar content. New blogs and RSS feeds are popping up on a daily basis. If you have worked hard to develop an audience and a community you don’t want to lose them due to lack of communication.

5.) Clarity and simplicity.
Keep your posts and blog entries clear and easy to understand. Remember, the web is global and expressions, idioms and acronyms don’t always translate. Sometimes a little explanation goes a long way.

6.) Keyword-rich.
If the goal of your blog is to increase your visibility, include related keywords in the title of the blog. Use the title as a headline to attract interest. Each item post should have a title that will attract attention but still be relevant to the post. The title should be no longer than 10-12 words.

7.) Quantity matters.
In order to attract the attention of search engines, you will need to develop content and substance. A headline or simple sentence is not going to generate the interest of readers or help with search engine ranking. Be sure to archive old blog posts to develop a large portal of similarly-themed content.

8.) Frequency.
If your blog content is updated frequently, search engines will tend to spider the pages at regular intervals.

9.) Spell checking and proof-reading.
It only takes a few extra moments and can save you from having to make embarrassing explanations. Remember that whatever you publish on the Internet can be found and archived. Think carefully about what you post before doing so.

10.) RSS.
RSS will increase your blog’s reach. It is important that you include your blog’s content in an RSS feed to increase readership and distribution.

Most weblog audiences are small, but with time and regular updates audiences grow. Bloggers may never have more than a few hundred readersArticle Submission, but the people who return to regularly are generally interested in what you have to say.

 

http://www.streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/113402/blogging/top_10_tips_for_blogging.html

5 Friends Who Sabotage Your Relationship

Ex-Boyfriend’s Mom
You and your ex called it quits, but that doesn’t mean your newfound shopping friend did. The only issue? It’s your ex’s mom! She emailed you saying how much she wanted to stay friends. You always liked her, so you said yes — and now you’re Facebook friends, email buddies and, about once a month or so, brunch dates.
The risk: C’mon, let’s be honest: Would you appreciate your spouse hanging out with his ex’s mom? If you’re hanging out this much with an ex’s anything or anyone, it might be a sign that you’re not over him, or that you’re not ready to leave that chapter of your life behind. Find a new brunch friend and end it. It’s not worth jeopardizing your relationship.
Husband-Hater
Ever since you got married, she rolls her eyes whenever you mention anything having to do with your guy. She just can’t get over that you got married and that you have a new person you tell all your secrets to. Meanwhile, she expects you to talk for hours about every detail of her relationship.
The risk: All those negative comments only sour your relationship with your man. Bottom line: Her malicious comments about him aren’t helping anymore. Whatever you do, don’t turn to her to vent when you have a tiff with your guy — she’ll definitely only make matters worse.
Baby-Crazed Friend
One of your best friends is now a mama, and while you had fun picking out onesies and nursery swag, now everything she talks about is baby-related. She’s so consumed with being a mom that you feel like you barely know each other anymore — plus, she just won’t quit asking when you and your guy are going to start “trying” (a discussion you two haven’t even had yet).
The risk: You’ll start to worry about timing with your spouse, and she might just talk you into having the discussion a little too early for his (and even your!) liking. If you don’t want a baby just yet, don’t let anyone pressure you into addressing that stage too early. So ask her to cool it and enforce a “no baby talk” get-together once a month.
Schoolgirl Crush
Before you met the now-love-of-your-life, you had a thing for that cutie you’ve known forever — and you’re still friends. You always wondered “what if?” but nothing ever seems to happen. When he calls, you can’t help but break into a smile.
The risk: Those grins haven’t gone unnoticed. This provides perfect ammo for any argument you have with your partner, because why is he still in your phone anyway? Do yourself a favor and delete him. You had your chance, and it never worked out for a reason.
The Party Dude
You were best friends in college and inseparable till graduation. But while you’ve moved on to bigger and better things, he’s still staying out all hours of the night and having one-night stands. It doesn’t help that his most recent one-nighter was with your boyfriend’s sister (whom he begged you to set him up with and then never called again).
The risk: Besides totally pissing off your boyfriend and his sister (who now thinks you’re a total jerk for setting her up with someone like him), his remarks on how you’re “so whipped” after awhile start to hit a nerve. Try to see him for special crazy nights once in a blue moon.… And please, stop setting him up with people you or your boyfriend know.

http://ideas.thenest.com/love-and-sex-advice/dealing-with-relationship-issues/articles/5-friends-who-sabotage-your-relationship.aspx

 

Tips for Healthy Hair

Healthy hair is everybody’s desire. It gives the greatest of looks adding to the confidence of a person, while also giving a certain definition to the features of every person. Taking care of your hair needs some extra care. Here are few tips that help you.

Natural hair care through Exercise
Well, you are not the only one who will be surprised if asked to give your body simple exercises for healthy hair. As already mentioned above, hair generally reflects your health. Only a healthy body can have healthy hair. So we suggest you to do regular exercise to get healthy hair.

Exercises need not be very strenuous nor do they need to include lifting weights with your hair. All you will need is a jog or walk for around 20 minutes per day followed by some stretching exercises to keep your body fit and fine. Not only these exercises increase the flexibility in your body, they make sure that your body performs its functions properly.

Diet
Though DIET for your hair needs to be mentioned at the top of the list, here exercise is given the top priority because you can do it early in the morning. However diet is as important as exercise. People need to understand that diet and exercise are a combination that effects the growth of healthy hair.

Take a balanced-diet whenever you take food. A Balanced diet is a diet that contains all the necessary vitamins and minerals apart from proteins, carbohydrates and fats.

Almost 97% of the hair is made of something called keratin, which is mainly a protein. Hence protein is an important part of growing healthy hair. Protein food, especially with shampoos and other hair products having amino proteins, gives strength to your hair.

Water is such an important part of our life that we almost ignore it or take it for granted. Hair has and needs certain moisture in the scalp for it to grow healthily. Drink at least 10 glasses of water per day. You will not only find healthy hair, you will find improved skin texture too.

If you have oily hair try avoiding fatty foods.

Some other general tips for healthy hair :

KNOW THY HAIR is the key factor to take care of your hair. This has been told and mentioned in every other article on this site. Knowing the behavior of your hair helps a lot in taking care of it.
Get regular oil massage. Oil massage soothes your hair and scalp, while making the skin on your head active. Massages help in relieving all kinds of pressures, and make the body parts function properly again.
Choose all hair products with great care. With the dawn of too much of information available on various websites, the confusion of a general reader has only increased. But with some time and patience, it will always be possible to differentiate a fake product and a product that works.
Understand that it is normal to loose 50-100 hair regularly. You need not panic at the very first sight of hair going down your bathroom drain. Take time to analyze if you are really losing hair
A product that has worked for your sibling or a friend need not work for you. Every person is different from the other, hence find a product that works for you and you only.
One easy way for Natural Hair Care – do not comb wet hair..
Do not use strong dryers or blowers.
Do not leave massaged oil on your head for more than 30 min.
Do not tie your hair for too long. Leave them freely for as long as possible. However take care that you keep a balance between letting them loose and tying them up.
For women, it is advised not to try styles that need their hair to be tied for longer periods of time.

http://hairloss.ygoy.com/tips-healthy-hair/index.php