Archives for posts with tag: cunt

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Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What is a lesbian’s favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. “How do you breath through something so small?”

Q. Why don’t women wear watches?
A. There’s a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she’s going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What’s the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn’t last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What’s the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn’t need cleaning.

Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Q. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What’s the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Q. What’s white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning himself?
A. He’s smoking a cigarette.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving

Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

Q. Three words to ruin a man’s ego…
A. “Is it in?”

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What’s in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They’re called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. What’s the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

Where does your man keep his condoms? Where’s the strangest place you’ve seen them at a dude’s place?

1. What it means if he keeps condoms everywhere…
A gentleman will keep his sex habits to himself (in terms of a dating blogger, who claims to be a gentleman, saying this, please feel free to comment with a giant “FAIL!”). He won’t leave condoms everywhere in plain sight, letting you know or think that he’s in constant need.

Extra points off he leaves them so that you can “mistakenly” find them, like peeking out of his bedside table; if he’s going to pretend to be a giant man-whore, he should at least have the decency to own it.

2. What it means if he keeps condoms in the bathroom…
This used to be my go-to, but I’ve since learned. I understand the temptation to keep all things purchased within the walls of a pharmacy in the bathroom, but not only is it inconvenient to say “excuse me” and go jogging across your apartment, in full-boner, and then back, to fetch a condom, but there’s an added chance for error, or loss of interest, that I am no longer willing to risk. I could fall, or bang my shin, or get distracted by my phone. Or worse, by the time I got back, she could have become engaged with her knitting, found something better to do, or otherwise come to her senses.

3. What it means if he keeps condoms nowhere…
Obvious red flag, though completely forgivable in the right circumstances, which include “I guess I ran out,” (man-whore embarrassment) or “I didn’t think I’d be having sex,” (unprepared embarrassment), or “I thought you’d have one,” (presumption embarrassment).

Even with the above, I think a lack of protection is a good reason to raise some eyebrows.
There can be a perfectly reasonably explanation, but if he’s not used to using condoms, and by that I mean, he’s used to having sex without them, beware.

For the record, I keep mine (which are Durex, Bare—they are the least obtrusive—the thinnest brand I can trust) in four places: my Naughty Book, a large volume that has some pages carved out of it, next to my bed; the drawer of my nightstand, next to my bed (in a small white sack labeled “condoms,” which I took from a hotel); one “emergency condom” in an antique cigarette case on my book shelf; in my bathroom (medicine chest for backups and toiletry bag for travel).

http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/single-ish/2010/11/sex-where-guys-keep-their-cond.html#ixzz18WzDXS7S

I decided to go fishing with my buddy,
But some girls showed up scaring all the fish away!