Archives for posts with tag: female

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Spanish Computer
A SPANISH Teacher was xplaining  to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either  masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine:  ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

A  student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’ 
 
 
Instead  of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and  female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a  masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for  its recommendation.

 

The men’s group decided that  ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’),  because:

1. No one but their creator  understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to  communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone  else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for  possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to  one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for  it.
 

(THIS GETS  BETTER!)

 
The women’s group, however,  concluded that computers  should be Masculine (‘el computador’),  because:

 
1. In order to do anything with  them, you have to turn  them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still  can’t think for  themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve  problems, 
but half the time they ARE the problem; and

 
4. As soon as you commit to one,  you realize that if you  had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a  better  model.

The women won.

Send this to all the smart women you know

…And all the men that have a sense of  humor

THE FEMALE DEMERIT SYSTEM
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It’s her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)