Archives for posts with tag: girlfriend

How to Get Over an Abusive Girlfriend or Wife: Break the Routines

Written by on November 16, 2010

She’s finally out of your life. The last of her things have been removed from your home, and she’s gone. You have a tremendous sense of emptiness, and a tremendous sense of relief. And, let’s face it, you feel pretty guilty about feeling the relief.

What do you do next? The house is finally quiet. She’s not there to scream at you. She’s not there to dictate what you eat, what you watch on TV, what music you listen to, what you wear, how long you’re in the bathroom, what brand of soap to use, how long to wash your hands, how to fold the towels, or the sheets, what time you go to bed, or what time you get up, when and how you talk to her, and what time you’re allowed to come home from work.  What do you do?!


Your ex may not have been this controlling.  Mine was. And when she was finally gone, the silence was deafening.

As I’ve written about before, her controlling nature and gaslighting eventually caused me severe cognitive difficulties. I was simply unable to function. One day, I even made it halfway to work, and noticed I was still wearing my pajamas.  I had to stop at Target and buy clothes on my way in.  Even now, two years out, I still have memory lapses, difficulty remembering names or other simple things.  But that’s something for another post.

What do you do when she’s gone? Break the routines.  Stop doing everything her way. Stop. You didn’t do things that way before she came into your life and you managed pretty well, didn’t you?  Remember? Every habit of hers you’ve taken on, even if it is something as simple as folding the towels a certain way to appease her, needs to stop.

This will take effort.

One thing my ex insisted on was that we enter and exit the apartment via the back door. The front door was not to be used under any circumstances. To this day, I have no idea why. After she left, I noticed that I was still using the back door. I forced myself to stop. Even if I’d already entered or exited via the back door, I made myself turn around, go back, and use the front door. It took a while, but I got it.

Now is your chance to do all those things you were forbidden to do. Watch gory movies! Turn the music up loud! Leave the dishes until the following day! Cook what you want for dinner. Stay up as late as you want. Rediscover the things you used to enjoy doing.

Did she make you sit through endless hours of Sex and the City or Grey’s Anatomy? Put in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, or The Godfather. Go buy that thing she wouldn’t let you own.

When you’re ready to take the next step, there are a few things I would suggest:

  1. Get a new bed: Seriously, I cannot even begin to emphasize how much this helps psychologically. There’s too much history wrapped up in the old bed. Get rid of it. Start fresh. I promise, you will sleep better.
  2. Change the locks: This should be a no-brainer. You don’t know if she’s surreptitiously made copies of keys, or taken hers with her. Take charge of the security of your surroundings. She does NOT need access to the home anymore. You don’t need to come home and find her there or your personal possessions missing.
  3. Return her mail: Chances are that she probably has not filed a change-of-address form with the post office. You will get mail for her, which she can then blame you for not forwarding. DO NOT FORWARD HER MAIL TO HER. YOU ARE NOT HER POST OFFICE. There are trained professionals who do that. They are called mail carriers. There is something deeply satisfying about marking her mail “no longer lives here, return to sender” and dropping it in the mailbox. Not your fault if she doesn’t get her latest credit card, W-2 or other important document on time. She should have filed with the post office.
  4. Change your phone number: If you have children, this, unfortunately, probably isn’t good advice. But, if you don’t, there’s no reason she needs to know how to get a hold of you anymore.
  5. Change your e-mail address: See above. Coupled with the fact that she, in all honesty, has probably hacked into your e-mail, looking for something to use against you. My ex gained access to my e-mail and I felt extremely violated. In fact, I stopped answering (or even checking) my e-mail for months afterward.  Eventually, upon settling on a new e-mail address, I’ve gotten better about this. Again, if you have kids (which, really is the only reason to maintain contact that I can think of, this may not be an option).
  6. Move: Eventually, the memories of being with her in my old apartment became too much. I was in constant fear that I would find her there waiting for me. Additionally, there wasn’t a room in the apartment that didn’t have “psychic residue” of too many fights lingering in the air. I relocated to another town entirely and live in a place that has no shared history with her. I am happier and feel safer than I ever did in the old place.  She and I lived together for 7 months, but that was enough to completely obliterate the “good” memories I’d had in the two years in that apartment prior to her being there. Start over. Start fresh.

If you are the one leaving, rather than her, you can still do pretty much all of these things. If there aren’t kids involved, again, I can’t think of any good or logical reason for her to know your whereabouts. Just make sure you fill out the change-of-address card with the post office. You don’t need her reading your mail.

Finally, and this is particularly hard – I KNOW – be prepared to sacrifice mutual friends. I know that some of them are good people. I know that some of them are close friends. But if they weren’t your friends before the relationship, they may not be your friends after the relationship.

Chances are, you’ve been smeared to them for quite some time and they will probably have a warped view of you. Even if that’s not the case, you don’t need to accidentally run into her, via them, or have them inadvertently let her know where you are. Letting go of some of these friends will hurt. But, I promise you, the security and peace of mind you have with her out of your life, and not knowing where you are, will more than make up for it. While I’m at it, there is absolutely NO reason to maintain contact with her family, unless, again, there are kids involved.

Break the routines she instilled in you.

Build new ones, and better ones; ones that are your own.

It’s your life, again. You have it back.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes.

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Stupid is As Stupid Does

By Doug Linman, Ph.D.

WE wake up everyday with a natural presence of mind. We get up, brush our teeth, shave, shower, dry off, dress ourselves and launch into our work, or family/home time, social or hobby time. It all seems to make such perfect sense that it is a wonder that anything could really go wrong. But it does, and some have said if there was only a book on how not to be stupid I would get it. There are so many subjects to discuss where the book helps, that I have collected a list of some first important ones as a quick reference guide, so you can remain the more intelligent looking one in the room.

Ok here goes:


Should you open the door for a woman? Yes you fool and stop asking this question.

Who pays for all the date meals? How about learning how to cook instead, you save money and its much more fun.

Should I date people I meet in a bar? If they ask you for more party time, the answer is NO! You should seek people that are ready to leave that environment and do simple things with you, like skating, hiking, movies, or walking, in truth a relationship this desires to start working on sincerely discovering each other, then go for it!

What should I find out about the people I am dating? Well, assuming you have not had sex with them and if you have made serious considerations then by all means find out what you can from friends, church, on-line, but DO NOT hunt past girl friends or guy friends to establish a group infested credible feeling. You have to figure this out for yourself by thinking through basic behaviors. If considering anything intimate, you MUST both visit a doctor and get an all clear test including drug usage. There is a 50% rise in STDs and many of these, like Herpes, do not go away, ever. So THINK about yourself first, before you do anything with anyone else that could permanently alter your life.

My boyfriend is terribly jealous but I really love him, do you think if we get married this will change? Dear Lost in Space NO! Dump him now, go live a better life and grow out of this.

My girl friend gossips about other people all the time. I have asked her to stop this because I think it is wrong. She simply feels the need to continue this and ignores me. How can I get her to stop this? Dear What were you thinking, You have no power over this childish behavior. As a gentleman, state your case, say you have tried but it remains a show stopper, break it off for good immediately –with NO going back—and go live a better life.

I am married with 3 children. Our last child was born 10 years ago. My wife is nearly 100lbs overweight and looks terrible and unhealthy. No other medical reasons just food addiction. I did, for several years, mention her weight which put me in a permanent and childish dog house, so I say nothing now and no longer seek her intimately. I do love her, but feel I am left in a very empty adult life except for my children who remain my precious kids. Our Children are 11, 13, and 15 and I do not wish to hurt my family or leave my wife until everyone is grown and out. I do feel that after 10 years of waiting with no change that I have had enough. Counseling made it worse between us since I was the one that initiated the need to go, and then the therapist turned out to be terrible and drove us to a more negative place.I am a healthy 6 foot 2, 197lbs guy, that bikes on the weekend and remains healthy. The kids and I do these things together as well. Dear Health Nut, your responsibility is to your family until they reach majority. The math shows you have 7 years to go if you are leaving because your wife is unwilling or unable to see that without immediate change you will be gone. Both Women and Men seem to forget that remaining healthy, attached, connected and attractive to your spouse is part of your marriage VOW responsibility. The question remains; what is driving your wife to such depression levels that food is her only out. This is the real issue and there is direct help for this, maybe doing this through your church might be less of a stress. Explore at bit more before you throw in the towel, but state clearly to her now in a very nice way or love letter, that if you did not love her you would not be seeking a joint solution to remain together.


I am 17 and have not been offered any jobs because I have rings and piercing and I do not think this is right! Dear Give me a break, stop your whining, grow up and figure this out very simply. Historically, regular jobs are seeking regular people to represent their companies and deal directly with their expected and attracted clientele. This fiduciary responsibility and demand is placed on companies by their investors, shareholders and industry. Period, end of sentence! So, where can a revolutionary fellow like yourself find a job? NOT in standard corporate America, but certainly you are needed, sought and required in specialty industries; like young clothing stores, video stores, mechanical, house building, etc..any place where the public dress code is not a required part of the job, as it is in regular business. By the way, in regular business; women should stop the perfuming levels and exposing way too much. It is not that much appreciated and it sets you up for backroom ridicule, not promotion. Men, no different with the please smell my body sprays! Your professional image, qualifications and consistent mature behavior is what levels the salary job markets between men and women, not the human resources labor category.

I am 20 years old and have no credible experience to form a Resume and little money to pay for a professional resume writer since they are very expensive. What can I do? Dear Oh Well; First of all, you need to list what you do know, what you are good at, what you may really desire right now to work at and just for this first phase. Do not over think this! You do not have to make a forever decision, just an I need a job now decision. Now, take your list with you as you travel about, visit a couple of local colleges and ask them to find an English major or writing, journalism, or media student to help you write your resume for a few dollars, or post your need in local Coffee shops, but NO phone numbers, just your email or something you can control. Also ask your church for help as well, they will probably have someone who is good and will help you for free.

I need to file Bankruptcy this month; will this affect me getting a job right now? Dear Down but NOT Out, If you are just filing now, the answer is NO. It will take at least 90 days before its official and in public records. So, stop over thinking this loss, get a job now and waste no more time about this. The sooner you start recovering the better off you will feel, which will rebuild your self confidence and allow you to consider, down the lane, what type of Credit fixing agency you need to help restore your credit rating, which will initially go down, but with a job in your pocket will return. Hopefully, you will get rid of all your CC debt and never allow this to overtake your life again. You can obtain CC negotiation support through the Bankruptcy Court and other great help, so use them; its the only free part. It will cost you at least $1500 to file with a BK attorney, the paperwork is extensive but if you download it (Chapter 7 or Chapter 11) and get most of it done/drafted for your lawyer, this would be good and will save you some money. Read and study on both types of Bankruptcy so you know the differences allowing you to ask informed questions. There are credit counseling requirements as well that you must meet, so follow your attorney’s guidance. Please remember one thing, this IS NOT the end of the world; it is actually a clean beginning! So do not get depressed over this, you will be OK, and with your new job and your past debt relieved, even better.


There is great speculation that our economy will jump back up this year and everything will start going back to good levels! Dear Mmm you are dreaming….I have heard this as well but only from people who remain uninformed or are living in denial. NO! This will not be the case all across America, we are clearly in a deep recession and things are not good and will get worse causing all sorts of adjustments in jobs, business operations, tax revenues, investments, security, international operations and other considerations. The incoming President faces the toughest call to duty since the 1930s. His next 4 years will be historic in our United States economic status and its recovery. I think everyone is feeling various pressures in this area and depending on what you do for a living you might be fine. One example is: cleaning services- this area alone has risen 230% over the last 90days because of foreclosures and the clean up necessary to get these homes/condos in shape for resale. So this group is doing very well and will continue to do so for at least the next 2 years before it levels off back to standard levels. There are more examples of some good areas, a few also in Day Trading with caution, fixing and repairing homes, infrastructure projects, solar panel installations, green technologies, Bio Tech and Health Services to name a few. The issue is available Cash and Credit for spending and thus stimulating the economy. This is where the weakness lies and will for sometime. Credit laws, as an example, are being re-written as this article comes out and will be completed within these next 18 months in 2009 going into early 2010 affecting the future of credit reporting, credit availability, interest and penalties, credit worthiness, and credit establishment. There are several regulatory matters that are already in play like this that we will not even hear about until the third quarter of 2009 but will start affecting us possibly sooner. Banking and lending institutions as well will have regulatory changes and new protections and submission requirements. International business is already changing its rules of engagement, there is talk of a new currency idea, and business contracts are advancing new protection language to assume assets. So the effects are not over and more are coming. The Court systems will be busy over these few years as consumers and regulators go in and out of understanding what is right and fair.

This one was interesting, but as a parent as well with over 30 years experience, I got it. We are talking about 2 year through 5 year old’s, so we have a common place to discuss. I would like to think there are no bad children, just bad parenting. Sorry, but most children are blank slates ready for input and most of that input — in audio and video forms– comes directly from the parents and their behavior. I have witnessed stroller year children getting yelled at by both Dads and Mothers for their child crying and yet neither of them would pick the child up and simply hold them and provide a soothing attentive voice! This area is certainly tough to discuss because I truly believe that parents hold all the cards at this age, a most delicate time of training, and many simply do not rise well to the occasion using all sort of strange excuses and means to provide no consistent training and education as a true teacher would their students.

Parents are the highest level of teacher to their early childhood family! This should be a great and spiritual time where the best of both parents is offered as a wonderful and positive gift for the child to learn and appreciate. Instead, discouragement and terrible barrier building is sometimes displayed that directly drive more poor behavior from the child. At 2 years old, its not the childs fault for being out of control—its yours! I know some moms are at their wits end especially the first couple of years after handling the most significant thing that happens to a female body and mind, giving life! Nothing can possibly compare or compete with this. Some women recover immediately, just naturally gifted, as new moms and fun to watch as they handle the crying and screaming with such ease, warmth, comfort, and almost expected spiritual simplicity. These are the ones to observe for they are rare and can certainly provide great insight for many mothers and fathers. While wonderful, we need to get back to the general less perfect parenting levels which are not as easy and especially arriving now from a whole generation that grew up mostly in Day Care facilities. Great Parenting skills that are positive, directed, consistent, absolute and always fair come from two sources.

The first being your own parents who did the job right and allowed you a natural ability that you will foster in your children. The second is study/education that you can reference and use everyday to quickly build your confidence and natural abilities. Do not make this education a life long project of reading 500 books on parenting or taking endless classes. You either get it quickly from possibly one well laid out book or class, or you are more than lost..but still redeemable… Do not get any book called All About Two Year Olds! The reason is simple, by the time you bring it home from the store it is of little value. Get the one book from Toddler to 7 years old for example and read it all several times, taking notes, NOT about the YEAR they are– but about the BEHAVIOR they are displaying. Children do not come with the same learning speed chip, so forget the year business and calmly observe what they are doing and how they are reacting to all the stimuli. It is their first time hearing and seeing everything just as it was for you! So always place yourself in their little shoes. They need consistent guidance, not loud, negative criticism. Hang out at all levels with your child so they and you get connected early at all these levels, and you will be able to understand what might be upsetting them before they cry or scream. This intuition can be trained and developed in you by simply playing at these levels with your children, which will buy you natural respect and observance from you child. Many times it is what you do not say that has the most impact. Children are wonderful, they change your life for the better if you allow yourself to grow up with them.

Douglas Linman, Ph.D.

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whether your partner really loves you…

1. Strength. A person who truly loves someone put all his might to the one he loves. If you notice that your guy or girl suddenly feels weak (or colloquially feels like dying) when you have done something to hurt him or her, then it’s an indication that your partner loves you and has placed all his power on you.

2. Joy. A man who falls in love transfers his happiness to the happiness of another. In other words, your true happiness is his priority, even if it means sacrificing his own happiness. So if your partner got a $1,000 bonus and spend it by buying you a nice necklace you’ve been wanting instead of acquiring the gadget he wanted to have this month, then your partner is really falling in love with you.

3. Enthusiasm. Let’s admit it! When we love someone, we are very interested in them. If your guy historically hates to watch romantic and crying movies, but enjoys when he watch one of those kind of movies with you at the theater, then it’s a sign that you can turn his mode and interest – he loves you.

4. Realized dream. Dreaming someone doesn’t absolutely means loving someone. But if you consider a person as your dream came true, then it’s a different story. If your partner is a sleeper and a dreamer, but can hardly close his own eyes to sleep when your beside him, and when he enjoys staring at you while you are sleep, then it could be a sign that he don’t need to dream anymore – because his dream (you) has already come into reality. He is happy, contented and really loves you.

5. Fear. When we love somebody, we serve him. Likewise, when we serve somebody, we fear him. What does this means? This means that you can identify a person if he indeed loves you if he is afraid to do anything that will destroy your relationship with him. If someone really loves you, he has fear that creates his care for you.

6. Transformation. This means exiting from the bad world and saying hello to the realm of love and kindness. True love brings and binds all the good virtues of a person, such as humility, patience, honesty, gentleness, peacefulness and self-control. If you observe that your sweetheart starts quitting smoking, begins cleaning his messy room and losing interest in going to nightclubs and wild parties, then it could be an excellent symptom that your dear has a real love for you.

7. Future. Does he or she keeps on talking about his or her plans for the two of you, including your future children? Does your honey really discussing real and attainable plans? Is he already executing the initial steps and procedures to realize those plans? If your answers to those questions are affirmative, then you are blessed to have him.

8. Sight. People can feel affection at first sight. But does it mean we should only have love at first sight? If your partner is always looking at you like it was always love at first sight for him, then you are not just the apple of his eyes, but also the love of his heart.

9. Time. Time is gold because it is so precious that when lost, it never be found again. That is why you can recognize someone who is really in love when he can give you his precious time. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is always telling you on the phone that he or she always misses you but never cares to visit you, then it could be a red flag for words without means. But if he can cancel his hectic schedules just to see you, then you are a more precious gem to him – more valuable than gold.

10. Mystery. It’s your birthday, so he has given you a presence. Then it’s your third year anniversary, so he bought you a diamond ring, a bunch of red roses, and brought you in the most quixotic restaurant in town for a romantic dinner. That’s good that he has a great memory to remember your special dates in the calendar. Alas, this is not a definite sign that he truly loves you, especially when he becomes bitter on the ordinary days. Have you experienced moments when your husband gives you your most favorite chocolates, some fresh flowers, embrace you and tell you sweetly that he loves you? And you wonder why he did that since it is neither your birthday nor it is Valentine’s Day? Well, it maybe a mystery but it is the mystery of love. People who truthfully love someone automatically do the feat of love anywhere and in anytime.

11. Compromise. Pride, selfishness and greed are all indications of the absence of love. But sometimes we are contaminated by these tough forces of evil. Here, true love is shown when we can compromise these things and instead turn to the rebuke of humility, selflessness and kindness. If your wife admits her mistake and shallow her pride to preserve your relationship in harmony and in peace, then you are fortunate to have her as a loving wife. Remember that pride is different from honor, for the first may defend what is wrong and the latter only defends what is right.

12. Mixture. Finally, you can tell that your partner really loves you if he loves to be part of your family. If he is excited to meet your parents, friends and even your old classmates; and if he is also keen to introduce you to his parents and buddies, then it is a great sign that your partner is seriously in love with you.

Now, does your partner have any or all of the signs above? If yes, then that’s great! But why not also assess yourself if you are also a partner who really loves him or her? Don’t forget that you can always improve yourself from a good lover to a great lover