Archives for posts with tag: penis

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What is a lesbian’s favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. “How do you breath through something so small?”

Q. Why don’t women wear watches?
A. There’s a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she’s going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What’s the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn’t last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What’s the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn’t need cleaning.

Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Q. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What’s the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Q. What’s white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning himself?
A. He’s smoking a cigarette.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving

Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

Q. Three words to ruin a man’s ego…
A. “Is it in?”

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What’s in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They’re called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. What’s the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

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Where does your man keep his condoms? Where’s the strangest place you’ve seen them at a dude’s place?

1. What it means if he keeps condoms everywhere…
A gentleman will keep his sex habits to himself (in terms of a dating blogger, who claims to be a gentleman, saying this, please feel free to comment with a giant “FAIL!”). He won’t leave condoms everywhere in plain sight, letting you know or think that he’s in constant need.

Extra points off he leaves them so that you can “mistakenly” find them, like peeking out of his bedside table; if he’s going to pretend to be a giant man-whore, he should at least have the decency to own it.

2. What it means if he keeps condoms in the bathroom…
This used to be my go-to, but I’ve since learned. I understand the temptation to keep all things purchased within the walls of a pharmacy in the bathroom, but not only is it inconvenient to say “excuse me” and go jogging across your apartment, in full-boner, and then back, to fetch a condom, but there’s an added chance for error, or loss of interest, that I am no longer willing to risk. I could fall, or bang my shin, or get distracted by my phone. Or worse, by the time I got back, she could have become engaged with her knitting, found something better to do, or otherwise come to her senses.

3. What it means if he keeps condoms nowhere…
Obvious red flag, though completely forgivable in the right circumstances, which include “I guess I ran out,” (man-whore embarrassment) or “I didn’t think I’d be having sex,” (unprepared embarrassment), or “I thought you’d have one,” (presumption embarrassment).

Even with the above, I think a lack of protection is a good reason to raise some eyebrows.
There can be a perfectly reasonably explanation, but if he’s not used to using condoms, and by that I mean, he’s used to having sex without them, beware.

For the record, I keep mine (which are Durex, Bare—they are the least obtrusive—the thinnest brand I can trust) in four places: my Naughty Book, a large volume that has some pages carved out of it, next to my bed; the drawer of my nightstand, next to my bed (in a small white sack labeled “condoms,” which I took from a hotel); one “emergency condom” in an antique cigarette case on my book shelf; in my bathroom (medicine chest for backups and toiletry bag for travel).

http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/single-ish/2010/11/sex-where-guys-keep-their-cond.html#ixzz18WzDXS7S

Top 10 Male Body Parts Women Love
Every man is dying to know what male body parts turn women on the most. Well, guess what? I surveyed over 100 women and asked them that very question. Not only did their replies blow me away, but I quickly came to the realization that I need to get my sorry butt into the gym on a more permanent basis.

Although the question revolved solely around body parts, women had some things to add regarding the parts they selected. Whether it had to do with proper hygiene or grooming, the women were not shy about their demands. And we all know how supply and demand go hand-in-hand.
ten parts of men
The following list is made up of the most popular selections in specific order from what’s fine and dandy to the very best. Take note and learn how to keep your woman happy.

10- Sharply shaped shoulders

Of the 100 women surveyed, a vast majority had a lot to say about shoulders. They like it when a man has well-defined, broad shoulders because they’re a sign of strength and masculinity.

One woman wrote, “I love when a man moves his shoulders and you’re able to see the (muscle) definition.” Another gal added, “Running my fingers across broad, lean ones excites me immeasurably. That’s why I love giving my boyfriend massages in this area.” So it’s time to get to work at the gym, and as the list goes on, you’ll quickly come to the same realization yourself.

9- Chiseled chest

All men love a nice pair of breasts — real or fake. As long as they look good, we’re not complaining. Well, women have the same requirements (minus that whole fake thing though).

Perfect pecs are part of the whole image women have conjured up in their fantasy-filled daydreams. Most ladies said that they like being able to envision what a man’s chest looks like under his clothes. The way a sweater or chemise falls on a man’s body, they profess, reveals a lot about what’s under there.

How fair is that? They get to have those push-up, water-filled, padded bras that create a complete illusion of what’s really under there. And what do we have? I think Seinfeld ‘s Kramer was on the right track with the man’s bra — or should I say The Bro ?

8- Bulging biceps

Come on… you knew it was coming. Big, well-defined biceps don’t just signify strength, they also reveal that you’re taking good care of your body. And if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man who takes care of things.

As with the chest, women love when they’re able to get a hint of a man’s biceps either through his sweater or when he wears a T-shirt and they can see the start of the rippling muscle (their words, not mine).

It also doesn’t hurt when guys are able to lift them up and maneuver their bodies effortlessly when they’re engaging in crazy “slam you up against the wall” sex. So I guess that mom was just kidding all those times she told us that it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Real funny.

7- Luscious lips

Oh my, what big ass lips you have! That’s right guys; we’re not the only ones who long for Angelina Jolie-like lips. Women like full mouths on men not just for their aesthetic appeal, but for those more intimate things we can do with them.

One woman wrote, “I love to suck on a man’s thick lips until they’re swollen and then I like to rub ice on them while I kiss them.” Yeah, I like to do that to lips too, just not the ones she’s referring to.

But women were very diverse in the lip department. Some liked only thick bottom lips and some even preferred thinner lips. Perhaps that’s because they all prefer the…

6- Tantalizing tongue

If there’s one talent that women appreciate immensely, it’s a man’s ability to use his tongue as though it were a saliva-producing penis with an attitude. Lots of women were quick to point out that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body, but that is highly debatable.

Although some women chose the tongue for those intimate kissing sessions, most specified that it was because they enjoyed being kissed “down there.” Down where? Can u lingis?

Everything from using the tip of your tongue to tease the clitoris to using your entire tongue to lick the vagina from top to bottom was mentioned here. Even penetrating her with it was quite popular. I notice that upon this subject, the ladies’ writing began getting somewhat shaky. Hmm, I wonder why?

– Hygienic hands

“One thing I love about my boyfriend are his big, thick, clean hands.” Until I heard the word hands , I could’ve sworn that she was talking about something else. Actually the word “clean” threw me off somewhat. Do most men have filthy hands?

Another surveyed woman mentioned that a man’s hands say a lot about him. Come on , I thought, that’s just a myth . But she was referring to other things like what he does for a living and what he emits about himself to the world.

A more interesting woman stated that she loves sucking on a man’s fingers and mimicking fellatio. So keep those hands in tiptop shape; you never who might want to wrap their mouth around those fingers.

4- Honed hips

Whereas in this day and age, the smaller a woman’s hips the better, surprisingly enough, women also like holding on to our hips when having sex. They love the fact that our hips are narrow. I think they’re just jealous.

“I find that hollow area under the ribs that ends above the hipbones irresistible. A woman’s hands belong there.” I couldn’t agree more.

3- Awesome abs

It’s absolutely no surprise that women love that washboard stomach. The ripples are the epitome of what a man is defined by. Men should strive for that six-pack, and no, I’m not referring to Budweiser.

Some women didn’t necessarily require rock hard abs, but a flat stomach was important just the same. “No woman wants to have sex with a man who has to physically lift his belly in order to put it in.” Wow, I never knew that that was possible!

Women do have a point though. I’m not rushing to hop into bed with any woman whose stomach jiggles and is loose, so why should they? Taut tummies are a prerequisite in the bedroom, so like I said before: hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to the gym we go…

2- Primped penis

Ah finally, they got to my personal favorite (but only my own ding-a-ling, that is… not that there’s anything wrong with that). And although they didn’t specify that size matters, they did say that they required a “good size.” Yeah, good and plenty…

But more importantly, a lot of women mentioned that a properly groomed groin area was very important. “I don’t like spitting out curly, coarse hair when I’m in the middle of a fellatio marathon.” So break out the razors, wax and depilatories, it’s time to make a forest clearing.

Other things that women mentioned:

Proportionate skin color (body to penis)
Not too veiny
Circumcised
Uncircumcised
Not too small
Not too big
Thick
Nice smell (I guess they expect reciprocity)

1- Buff butt

I guess the one thing this survey goes to show is that women are not that much different from men. Then again, I don’t think they’re as big on slapping our butts as we are with theirs.

Some women wrote that they love those “half-moon” butts, while others preferred the “slightly curvaceous” ones. “It’s usually the athletic guys that have the nicest butts… oh and Brad Pitt.” Some chick was bound to throw that one in.

http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip/41b_love_tip.html

Older Women Make Good Lovers

When you are in sales you always meet women. Some are ok but others really get your attention. I was making a sales call at this one particular company one day on my route. I was showing some of my line when she came up behind me as I was showing my products to the other women in the office. She put her hand on my shoulder to lean in and see the catalog. There was something in the touch that got my attention. As I would drop by each week we would chit chat and as every week pass by we would talk longer. We both could tell the other was definitely interested in the other.

We decided to meet one Friday at a hotel in a town in between the towns we lived in. After we checked in she went into the bathroom to freshen up so I pulled down the covers on the bed. When she came out she was looking mighty fucking hot in her matching bra and panties. I had already laid down and got comfortable. So she crawled onto the bed and starting kissing me and rubbing her hands all over. She started unbuttoning my shirt and kissing her way down my stomach. Then she undid my pants and pulled them off and then she pulled my briefs off and my cock was in full view. She started to lick the head and slowly took it in her mouth and began to suck it slowly and working it in and out her mouth. I was about ready to blow as she let it slip out and she sat up and undid her bra and let it fall to expose her beautiful full 38d tits.

Then she stood up to pull off her panties and I could see for the first time her gorgeous trimmed pussy. She crawled back on the bed like a lioness stalking her prey. She sucked and licked my cock again for just a moment to make sure I was ready for my prize. She moved on up to straddled me and as she guided my cock to her dripping wet pussy I could feel the heat of her hot box. She slowly slid down on my cock and gently begin to ride it. As our bodies begin to work together she started to moan, low at first but as wave upon wave of pleasure hit she got louder and louder until her moans were echoing off the walls. She rode me harder and harder until she was cumming and her juices were flowing over my dick and running down my balls. I moved her off of me and told her to get on all fours and I began to fuck her from behind. I took my eight inch cock and put it in her hot dripping pussy and I grabbed her on both sides of her ass and thrust my cock in to the hilt, as I did she screamed from the pleasure of my dick hitting the back of her cunt. I then began to slowly long dick the shit out of her and then I picked up the pace and begin to give her one helluva fucking that she started yelling and telling me to fuck her harder. She was saying to me; “fuck me you big dick bastard” “give me that fat cock, give it to me good”. As I felt my load starting to swell up and I told her I was cumming and she quickly spun around and took my cock back in her mouth and started sucking until I had all I could stand and I blew my load into her mouth.

I came so hard that she could not hold it all in her mouth and it ran out one side onto her big fucking tits. She took my dick and smeared it on her chest to pick up what had spilt out and she suck it off the head of my prick. Then we just fell onto the bed and rested until we were ready to go again which was about four more times until we both had to get home. We met several other times and spent a few nights together on a wild weekend but I’ll share those with you later on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfRtdDHZwHU