Archives for posts with tag: relationship

Stupid is As Stupid Does

By Doug Linman, Ph.D.

WE wake up everyday with a natural presence of mind. We get up, brush our teeth, shave, shower, dry off, dress ourselves and launch into our work, or family/home time, social or hobby time. It all seems to make such perfect sense that it is a wonder that anything could really go wrong. But it does, and some have said if there was only a book on how not to be stupid I would get it. There are so many subjects to discuss where the book helps, that I have collected a list of some first important ones as a quick reference guide, so you can remain the more intelligent looking one in the room.

Ok here goes:

ON DATING and RELATIONSHIPS:

Should you open the door for a woman? Yes you fool and stop asking this question.

Who pays for all the date meals? How about learning how to cook instead, you save money and its much more fun.

Should I date people I meet in a bar? If they ask you for more party time, the answer is NO! You should seek people that are ready to leave that environment and do simple things with you, like skating, hiking, movies, or walking, in truth a relationship this desires to start working on sincerely discovering each other, then go for it!

What should I find out about the people I am dating? Well, assuming you have not had sex with them and if you have made serious considerations then by all means find out what you can from friends, church, on-line, but DO NOT hunt past girl friends or guy friends to establish a group infested credible feeling. You have to figure this out for yourself by thinking through basic behaviors. If considering anything intimate, you MUST both visit a doctor and get an all clear test including drug usage. There is a 50% rise in STDs and many of these, like Herpes, do not go away, ever. So THINK about yourself first, before you do anything with anyone else that could permanently alter your life.

My boyfriend is terribly jealous but I really love him, do you think if we get married this will change? Dear Lost in Space NO! Dump him now, go live a better life and grow out of this.

My girl friend gossips about other people all the time. I have asked her to stop this because I think it is wrong. She simply feels the need to continue this and ignores me. How can I get her to stop this? Dear What were you thinking, You have no power over this childish behavior. As a gentleman, state your case, say you have tried but it remains a show stopper, break it off for good immediately –with NO going back—and go live a better life.

I am married with 3 children. Our last child was born 10 years ago. My wife is nearly 100lbs overweight and looks terrible and unhealthy. No other medical reasons just food addiction. I did, for several years, mention her weight which put me in a permanent and childish dog house, so I say nothing now and no longer seek her intimately. I do love her, but feel I am left in a very empty adult life except for my children who remain my precious kids. Our Children are 11, 13, and 15 and I do not wish to hurt my family or leave my wife until everyone is grown and out. I do feel that after 10 years of waiting with no change that I have had enough. Counseling made it worse between us since I was the one that initiated the need to go, and then the therapist turned out to be terrible and drove us to a more negative place.I am a healthy 6 foot 2, 197lbs guy, that bikes on the weekend and remains healthy. The kids and I do these things together as well. Dear Health Nut, your responsibility is to your family until they reach majority. The math shows you have 7 years to go if you are leaving because your wife is unwilling or unable to see that without immediate change you will be gone. Both Women and Men seem to forget that remaining healthy, attached, connected and attractive to your spouse is part of your marriage VOW responsibility. The question remains; what is driving your wife to such depression levels that food is her only out. This is the real issue and there is direct help for this, maybe doing this through your church might be less of a stress. Explore at bit more before you throw in the towel, but state clearly to her now in a very nice way or love letter, that if you did not love her you would not be seeking a joint solution to remain together.

ON EMPLOYMENT and OPPORTUNITY:

I am 17 and have not been offered any jobs because I have rings and piercing and I do not think this is right! Dear Give me a break, stop your whining, grow up and figure this out very simply. Historically, regular jobs are seeking regular people to represent their companies and deal directly with their expected and attracted clientele. This fiduciary responsibility and demand is placed on companies by their investors, shareholders and industry. Period, end of sentence! So, where can a revolutionary fellow like yourself find a job? Well..er.. NOT in standard corporate America, but certainly you are needed, sought and required in specialty industries; like young clothing stores, video stores, mechanical, house building, etc..any place where the public dress code is not a required part of the job, as it is in regular business. By the way, in regular business; women should stop the perfuming levels and exposing way too much. It is not that much appreciated and it sets you up for backroom ridicule, not promotion. Men, no different with the please smell my body sprays! Your professional image, qualifications and consistent mature behavior is what levels the salary job markets between men and women, not the human resources labor category.

I am 20 years old and have no credible experience to form a Resume and little money to pay for a professional resume writer since they are very expensive. What can I do? Dear Oh Well; First of all, you need to list what you do know, what you are good at, what you may really desire right now to work at and just for this first phase. Do not over think this! You do not have to make a forever decision, just an I need a job now decision. Now, take your list with you as you travel about, visit a couple of local colleges and ask them to find an English major or writing, journalism, or media student to help you write your resume for a few dollars, or post your need in local Coffee shops, but NO phone numbers, just your email or something you can control. Also ask your church for help as well, they will probably have someone who is good and will help you for free.

I need to file Bankruptcy this month; will this affect me getting a job right now? Dear Down but NOT Out, If you are just filing now, the answer is NO. It will take at least 90 days before its official and in public records. So, stop over thinking this loss, get a job now and waste no more time about this. The sooner you start recovering the better off you will feel, which will rebuild your self confidence and allow you to consider, down the lane, what type of Credit fixing agency you need to help restore your credit rating, which will initially go down, but with a job in your pocket will return. Hopefully, you will get rid of all your CC debt and never allow this to overtake your life again. You can obtain CC negotiation support through the Bankruptcy Court and other great help, so use them; its the only free part. It will cost you at least $1500 to file with a BK attorney, the paperwork is extensive but if you download it (Chapter 7 or Chapter 11) and get most of it done/drafted for your lawyer, this would be good and will save you some money. Read and study on both types of Bankruptcy so you know the differences allowing you to ask informed questions. There are credit counseling requirements as well that you must meet, so follow your attorney’s guidance. Please remember one thing, this IS NOT the end of the world; it is actually a clean beginning! So do not get depressed over this, you will be OK, and with your new job and your past debt relieved, even better.

ON THE ECONOMY:

There is great speculation that our economy will jump back up this year and everything will start going back to good levels! Dear Mmm you are dreaming….I have heard this as well but only from people who remain uninformed or are living in denial. NO! This will not be the case all across America, we are clearly in a deep recession and things are not good and will get worse causing all sorts of adjustments in jobs, business operations, tax revenues, investments, security, international operations and other considerations. The incoming President faces the toughest call to duty since the 1930s. His next 4 years will be historic in our United States economic status and its recovery. I think everyone is feeling various pressures in this area and depending on what you do for a living you might be fine. One example is: cleaning services- this area alone has risen 230% over the last 90days because of foreclosures and the clean up necessary to get these homes/condos in shape for resale. So this group is doing very well and will continue to do so for at least the next 2 years before it levels off back to standard levels. There are more examples of some good areas, a few also in Day Trading with caution, fixing and repairing homes, infrastructure projects, solar panel installations, green technologies, Bio Tech and Health Services to name a few. The issue is available Cash and Credit for spending and thus stimulating the economy. This is where the weakness lies and will for sometime. Credit laws, as an example, are being re-written as this article comes out and will be completed within these next 18 months in 2009 going into early 2010 affecting the future of credit reporting, credit availability, interest and penalties, credit worthiness, and credit establishment. There are several regulatory matters that are already in play like this that we will not even hear about until the third quarter of 2009 but will start affecting us possibly sooner. Banking and lending institutions as well will have regulatory changes and new protections and submission requirements. International business is already changing its rules of engagement, there is talk of a new currency idea, and business contracts are advancing new protection language to assume assets. So the effects are not over and more are coming. The Court systems will be busy over these few years as consumers and regulators go in and out of understanding what is right and fair.

ON SCREAMING CHILDREN:
This one was interesting, but as a parent as well with over 30 years experience, I got it. We are talking about 2 year through 5 year old’s, so we have a common place to discuss. I would like to think there are no bad children, just bad parenting. Sorry, but most children are blank slates ready for input and most of that input — in audio and video forms– comes directly from the parents and their behavior. I have witnessed stroller year children getting yelled at by both Dads and Mothers for their child crying and yet neither of them would pick the child up and simply hold them and provide a soothing attentive voice! This area is certainly tough to discuss because I truly believe that parents hold all the cards at this age, a most delicate time of training, and many simply do not rise well to the occasion using all sort of strange excuses and means to provide no consistent training and education as a true teacher would their students.

Parents are the highest level of teacher to their early childhood family! This should be a great and spiritual time where the best of both parents is offered as a wonderful and positive gift for the child to learn and appreciate. Instead, discouragement and terrible barrier building is sometimes displayed that directly drive more poor behavior from the child. At 2 years old, its not the childs fault for being out of control—its yours! I know some moms are at their wits end especially the first couple of years after handling the most significant thing that happens to a female body and mind, giving life! Nothing can possibly compare or compete with this. Some women recover immediately, just naturally gifted, as new moms and fun to watch as they handle the crying and screaming with such ease, warmth, comfort, and almost expected spiritual simplicity. These are the ones to observe for they are rare and can certainly provide great insight for many mothers and fathers. While wonderful, we need to get back to the general less perfect parenting levels which are not as easy and especially arriving now from a whole generation that grew up mostly in Day Care facilities. Great Parenting skills that are positive, directed, consistent, absolute and always fair come from two sources.

The first being your own parents who did the job right and allowed you a natural ability that you will foster in your children. The second is study/education that you can reference and use everyday to quickly build your confidence and natural abilities. Do not make this education a life long project of reading 500 books on parenting or taking endless classes. You either get it quickly from possibly one well laid out book or class, or you are more than lost..but still redeemable… Do not get any book called All About Two Year Olds! The reason is simple, by the time you bring it home from the store it is of little value. Get the one book from Toddler to 7 years old for example and read it all several times, taking notes, NOT about the YEAR they are– but about the BEHAVIOR they are displaying. Children do not come with the same learning speed chip, so forget the year business and calmly observe what they are doing and how they are reacting to all the stimuli. It is their first time hearing and seeing everything just as it was for you! So always place yourself in their little shoes. They need consistent guidance, not loud, negative criticism. Hang out at all levels with your child so they and you get connected early at all these levels, and you will be able to understand what might be upsetting them before they cry or scream. This intuition can be trained and developed in you by simply playing at these levels with your children, which will buy you natural respect and observance from you child. Many times it is what you do not say that has the most impact. Children are wonderful, they change your life for the better if you allow yourself to grow up with them.

Douglas Linman, Ph.D.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1850744

whether your partner really loves you…
http://secretcontents.com/12-signs-that-your-partner-really-loves-you/

1. Strength. A person who truly loves someone put all his might to the one he loves. If you notice that your guy or girl suddenly feels weak (or colloquially feels like dying) when you have done something to hurt him or her, then it’s an indication that your partner loves you and has placed all his power on you.

2. Joy. A man who falls in love transfers his happiness to the happiness of another. In other words, your true happiness is his priority, even if it means sacrificing his own happiness. So if your partner got a $1,000 bonus and spend it by buying you a nice necklace you’ve been wanting instead of acquiring the gadget he wanted to have this month, then your partner is really falling in love with you.

3. Enthusiasm. Let’s admit it! When we love someone, we are very interested in them. If your guy historically hates to watch romantic and crying movies, but enjoys when he watch one of those kind of movies with you at the theater, then it’s a sign that you can turn his mode and interest – he loves you.

4. Realized dream. Dreaming someone doesn’t absolutely means loving someone. But if you consider a person as your dream came true, then it’s a different story. If your partner is a sleeper and a dreamer, but can hardly close his own eyes to sleep when your beside him, and when he enjoys staring at you while you are sleep, then it could be a sign that he don’t need to dream anymore – because his dream (you) has already come into reality. He is happy, contented and really loves you.

5. Fear. When we love somebody, we serve him. Likewise, when we serve somebody, we fear him. What does this means? This means that you can identify a person if he indeed loves you if he is afraid to do anything that will destroy your relationship with him. If someone really loves you, he has fear that creates his care for you.

6. Transformation. This means exiting from the bad world and saying hello to the realm of love and kindness. True love brings and binds all the good virtues of a person, such as humility, patience, honesty, gentleness, peacefulness and self-control. If you observe that your sweetheart starts quitting smoking, begins cleaning his messy room and losing interest in going to nightclubs and wild parties, then it could be an excellent symptom that your dear has a real love for you.

7. Future. Does he or she keeps on talking about his or her plans for the two of you, including your future children? Does your honey really discussing real and attainable plans? Is he already executing the initial steps and procedures to realize those plans? If your answers to those questions are affirmative, then you are blessed to have him.

8. Sight. People can feel affection at first sight. But does it mean we should only have love at first sight? If your partner is always looking at you like it was always love at first sight for him, then you are not just the apple of his eyes, but also the love of his heart.

9. Time. Time is gold because it is so precious that when lost, it never be found again. That is why you can recognize someone who is really in love when he can give you his precious time. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is always telling you on the phone that he or she always misses you but never cares to visit you, then it could be a red flag for words without means. But if he can cancel his hectic schedules just to see you, then you are a more precious gem to him – more valuable than gold.

10. Mystery. It’s your birthday, so he has given you a presence. Then it’s your third year anniversary, so he bought you a diamond ring, a bunch of red roses, and brought you in the most quixotic restaurant in town for a romantic dinner. That’s good that he has a great memory to remember your special dates in the calendar. Alas, this is not a definite sign that he truly loves you, especially when he becomes bitter on the ordinary days. Have you experienced moments when your husband gives you your most favorite chocolates, some fresh flowers, embrace you and tell you sweetly that he loves you? And you wonder why he did that since it is neither your birthday nor it is Valentine’s Day? Well, it maybe a mystery but it is the mystery of love. People who truthfully love someone automatically do the feat of love anywhere and in anytime.

11. Compromise. Pride, selfishness and greed are all indications of the absence of love. But sometimes we are contaminated by these tough forces of evil. Here, true love is shown when we can compromise these things and instead turn to the rebuke of humility, selflessness and kindness. If your wife admits her mistake and shallow her pride to preserve your relationship in harmony and in peace, then you are fortunate to have her as a loving wife. Remember that pride is different from honor, for the first may defend what is wrong and the latter only defends what is right.

12. Mixture. Finally, you can tell that your partner really loves you if he loves to be part of your family. If he is excited to meet your parents, friends and even your old classmates; and if he is also keen to introduce you to his parents and buddies, then it is a great sign that your partner is seriously in love with you.

Now, does your partner have any or all of the signs above? If yes, then that’s great! But why not also assess yourself if you are also a partner who really loves him or her? Don’t forget that you can always improve yourself from a good lover to a great lover

10 Things Women Dont Like About Men

Everyone knows that a woman’s brain works completely different to a man’s brain, we think different when it comes to relationships or love.

Have you ever heard someone say? “All men are alike” , yet I bet you have, I heard that saying so many times that I thought it must be true then, because I would hear it from my mom, aunt, female friends, and just any women.

But then I saw a clear connection between that saying and the women that said it, most of the women I heard say “All men are alike” were because they had bad experiences with men in the past. Most women that said that around me were because they were cheated, abuse or other reasons that made them not trust men or having the misconception that all men are the alike.

Well how do we really know if all men are alike? How about the most commonly hated things a women don’t like about men, and make your own conclusions after you read them.

For Men: Read each one carefully and see if you have done any of them

For Women: See if you have come to the conclusion that all men are alike because of this 10 things.

1. Feelings

Women in general like to talk, they are socially open towards others, they make friends easily and express their feelings more often. Men are the complete opposite, a men expressing their feelings may be interpret by others ( men in general) as a sign of weakness, and in conclusion men dont like to talk about feelings with women, and some women do not understand why this is.

2. Relationship

Women hate it when men dont talk about the status of a relationship, because women like to know if the relationship is moving forward, men in the other hand likes to avoid conversations regarding a relationship status.

3. Being Ignored

Women hate when men ignore them, or dont pay enough attention to them, a women likes to feel special, and they hate it when a guy doesnt spent enough time with them or tells her how special she is.

4. Friendships

Some women dont like that during a relationship a man talks to female friends on the phone or hangs out with female friends, and sometimes a it can be guy-friends as well, because men together tend to act different, or might spent too much time with the guy-friends, a woman don’t mind guys spending time with their friends as long as the friends don’t start hogging all the time and attention.

5. Lying

A women hates it when a man lies, when a man lies and gets caught, theres a chance the “all men are alike” might come up.

6. Not Clean

Women hate a man without basic sense of hygiene and etiquette, a women likes to see a man well groomed and clean.

7. Past Girlfriends

A woman doesnt like to hear a man talk about past relationships or talk about how many girlsfriends he had, a man in a relationship talking to one of his ex-girlfriends is a one of the things a woman hates the most.

8. Goals

Women desire a man who knows where he is going in life as that’s an attitude of winner and women want to be around such men. They don’t want to be stuck around negative men who don’t know which way their life is going and have no plans for the future.

9. Controlling

Women do not like men who act like door mats but at the same time they do not prefer men who like everything their way all the time. Women like to be in the leader spot once in a while and prefer men who are good listeners.

10. Insecurity

Women dont like when the man is always insecure about their woman, and when they have to track every move they make and every person they talk to, it shows the woman that there is no trust in the relationship.

Perfect Man

There is no such thing as a perfect man, or even a perfect person we are all different, and when it comes to relationships we must try to understand this, always tell your partner if you dont like something, honesty is the key to long lasting relationships, dont try to change your partner because it wont get you anywhere, no one likes to be told they need to change, but simple communication can open many doors in your relationship. If you want to learn some tips about how to understand your partner better and avoid discussions, read….

Although men are not perfect, and we (including me) have many bad habits and flaws, we must try to comprehend our partners point of view, if we are aware of what our partner in relationship does not like its easier to avoid a confrontation or fight.

Theres also lots of things us men dont like about women, but if I begin making the list now I might not finish writing till….

http://lesterd2009.hubpages.com/hub/10-Things-Women-Dont-Like-About-Men

5 Friends Who Sabotage Your Relationship

Ex-Boyfriend’s Mom
You and your ex called it quits, but that doesn’t mean your newfound shopping friend did. The only issue? It’s your ex’s mom! She emailed you saying how much she wanted to stay friends. You always liked her, so you said yes — and now you’re Facebook friends, email buddies and, about once a month or so, brunch dates.
The risk: C’mon, let’s be honest: Would you appreciate your spouse hanging out with his ex’s mom? If you’re hanging out this much with an ex’s anything or anyone, it might be a sign that you’re not over him, or that you’re not ready to leave that chapter of your life behind. Find a new brunch friend and end it. It’s not worth jeopardizing your relationship.
Husband-Hater
Ever since you got married, she rolls her eyes whenever you mention anything having to do with your guy. She just can’t get over that you got married and that you have a new person you tell all your secrets to. Meanwhile, she expects you to talk for hours about every detail of her relationship.
The risk: All those negative comments only sour your relationship with your man. Bottom line: Her malicious comments about him aren’t helping anymore. Whatever you do, don’t turn to her to vent when you have a tiff with your guy — she’ll definitely only make matters worse.
Baby-Crazed Friend
One of your best friends is now a mama, and while you had fun picking out onesies and nursery swag, now everything she talks about is baby-related. She’s so consumed with being a mom that you feel like you barely know each other anymore — plus, she just won’t quit asking when you and your guy are going to start “trying” (a discussion you two haven’t even had yet).
The risk: You’ll start to worry about timing with your spouse, and she might just talk you into having the discussion a little too early for his (and even your!) liking. If you don’t want a baby just yet, don’t let anyone pressure you into addressing that stage too early. So ask her to cool it and enforce a “no baby talk” get-together once a month.
Schoolgirl Crush
Before you met the now-love-of-your-life, you had a thing for that cutie you’ve known forever — and you’re still friends. You always wondered “what if?” but nothing ever seems to happen. When he calls, you can’t help but break into a smile.
The risk: Those grins haven’t gone unnoticed. This provides perfect ammo for any argument you have with your partner, because why is he still in your phone anyway? Do yourself a favor and delete him. You had your chance, and it never worked out for a reason.
The Party Dude
You were best friends in college and inseparable till graduation. But while you’ve moved on to bigger and better things, he’s still staying out all hours of the night and having one-night stands. It doesn’t help that his most recent one-nighter was with your boyfriend’s sister (whom he begged you to set him up with and then never called again).
The risk: Besides totally pissing off your boyfriend and his sister (who now thinks you’re a total jerk for setting her up with someone like him), his remarks on how you’re “so whipped” after awhile start to hit a nerve. Try to see him for special crazy nights once in a blue moon.… And please, stop setting him up with people you or your boyfriend know.

http://ideas.thenest.com/love-and-sex-advice/dealing-with-relationship-issues/articles/5-friends-who-sabotage-your-relationship.aspx

 

I HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF AT ALL COSTS
– even if it keeps me from being loved!I

Previous: UNDER-Trusting

NOTE: It’s very important to remember we are not to blame for being deeply mistrustful of everyone. We have experienced many, many betrayals by the important people in our lives – whether by family, friends, spouse, school, church or government. Some or all of these betrayals are so extreme that we may never be able to forgive, regardless of what the ‘gurus’ tell us. This is not to deny the benefits of forgiveness – just that if we are not able to do it (yet) but believe we should, ‘or else’, we unfairly add to our self-hate & sense of failure.
• The point to this post is to make it clear how we perpetuate the patterns set down for us by our trauma (see CDs: INFO & the Brain) so we can stop beating ourselves up or feeling ashamed, & instead try out new internal beliefs & external actions

PATTERNS* of Mistrust
* All of these are being generated by the WIC in an attempt to protect us from further harm, but are totally unsuccessful, since they prevent us from getting the closeness & love we need. And all are forms of control – which is always based on trying to prevent being abandoned in P.M.E.S. ways

a. FAKE ME – we clearly got the message that who & what we were as a child was unacceptable to our parents. So as adults, when interacting with others, we try to ‘improve’ our personality by twisting ourselves unnaturally into something we think this present-day person or group is going to want
• We spend a lot of time trying to figure out “how I should feel”, “what I should wear”, “what I’m going to say”…… & never get it quite right, because it’s artificial. Of course, if we are being run by our WIC, we don’t know who we are or how to relate from a place of empowerment, so it is very hard to be healthy and safe at the same time

b. LABELING – some of us decide at the beginning of a relationship (potential friend or lover) what kind it’s going to be, without having enough information about the other person or giving it enough time to develop organically. We may think:
• “This is just going to be a friendship” • “This one is just for sex”
• “This one isn’t going to last” • “This is just casual”
• “This is permanent” • “This is the one I can’t live without”

Again, this is trying to control the outcome and be prepared for the inevitable abandonment we expect. Preconceived notions may –
– actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy of loss because we prevented it from growing into something positive
– shock us with unexpected results, if we have illusions about it
– severely disappoint all unrealistic expectations
– occasionally surprise us by turning into something better than hoped for

c. PARANOIA – because we were so often hurt as a child, we conclude that for the rest of our lives everyone will inevitably do us harm, sooner or later. So we assume the worst of everyone we meet, men & women, altho’ some of us may be more afraid of one gender than another, depending on which parent was crueler. This is our reaction even with people who have proven to consistently treat us well, making it hard to benefit from anyone who can be there for us – in healthy ways

d. MIND-READING – we’re always trying to figure out
– WHY they did or didn’t do something (“Why hasn’t he called me back?”, “Why did they leave?”…) because we think that if we can figure it out, we can fix ourselves so they won’t leave us, or so they’ll come back
– WHAT they are thinking in general, & specifically about us, so we know where we stand, what they want from us, how we should behave ……. Our co-dependence makes us assume that if they like us we‘re allowed to live, but if they disapprove or are angry at us we should be dead! & this happens over & over with each person, so we’re like emotional yo-yos

e. OVER-TRUSTING (recent post) – everyone tells us about themselves, subtly or not, yet we ignore all the unhealthy things we hear & experience in people we ‘need’, staying too long at the party & getting trampled! Then wonder why we can’t trust

f. BACK-DOOR – at the same time we build-in a defense strategy in relationships to manage our FoA by automatically looking for flaws in others, which we can use as an excuse to escape the minute we feel disappointed (they failed our test) – by not reading our mind, not rescuing us, not symbiosing with us…. It’s our ‘fear of commitment’, so we never quite have both feet firmly in the relationship, BUT then complain that we can’t connect / don’t feel close / aren’t valued….
• an extreme version of this is when we really do want to get out of a relationship but don’t have the right or the courage to do it directly — we create drama (fights, an affair, constantly pressuring them….), pushing the other person away in order to force them into doing the leaving. BUT then we feel abandoned & unloved – & angry!

g. TESTING – on the one hand we have created a set of rules for others to follow (no matter what kind of relationship), often unconsciously AND which we don’t tell the other person about. Our rules:
– are the good ways we wish we could be treated, but are not allowed to ask for directly or do for ourselves
– represent our demand that others be the good parents we didn’t have
– are the measuring stick we use so we can know what to expect – so we won’t be conned & to not feel so vulnerable
• Then we wait to see how many rules they fulfill or which ones they violate – & when they fail the test we can feel justified in our anger & disenchantment with them – & all of humanity!

h. The THIRD DEGREE – on the other hand, we may try to be safe by asking endless questions, probing to see what’s really going on, to see if the situation is safe, what do they like, want, need…..
NOTE: Information about who people are is legitimate & necessary – but here we’re talking about frantic, incessant interrogation because of not trusting or believing in our perceptions, or letting things unfold slowly

i. PREEMPTIVE STRIKES – verbally attack or threaten physical harm ahead of assumed danger, especially if someone has inadvertently pushed one of our old buttons, like accusing us wrongly or acting needy
Exp: One young woman threatened each new lover with bodily harm on the first date if he ever did or said anything to scare her
Exp: Another young woman reacted with great anger when a new boyfriend would innocently ask if she cooked. She’d spit out “I wouldn’t be caught dead cooking!”

https://acoarecovery.wordpress.com/2011/06/30/acoas-patterns-of-mistrust/

10 Common Lies Women Tell Men

Much was made of a recent study for the Science Museum suggesting men tell more lies than women. According to excited newspaper columnists, men had been ‘rumbled’. Apparently, we lie to impress, we lie to deceive, and we lie because we are men and that is what men do.

But the findings were a bit less black and white than that. Men do lie more than women, according to the study. But while men average over a thousand lies a year, women still weighed in with a hefty 728.

And the most common subject men lie about? Our drinking habits. Which begs the obvious question, so what? I always knock a pint off the previous night’s tally when my better half is within hearing range. It saves her from worrying – and is thus not so much a fib as an act of kindness.

So what fibs do women tell men? Well, by combining the results of the Science Museum study and a straw poll of ‘men we know’, MSN Him has come up with the definitive list. Have you heard one of these recently…?

Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine

According to the Science Museum study, this is the most popular lie told by women. Like we didn’t know. On a bad day I hear it a couple of times before breakfast.

And of course, most men react to its utterance as if confronted by zombies, because what it actually means is: “I am sooo not fine. But I intend to let you stew for a while before starting a blazing row just before your parents turn up.”

It wasn’t expensive

The literal interpretation of this porky is, of course, “it was very expensive indeed”. Women use it because they like to shop and, however much they bang on about the joys of Poundstretcher and Primark, they really like to shop in Harvey Nicks.

But as lies go, it’s not such a bad one. At least she’s bothering to lie. A worse indication of the state of your relationship would be a brazen disregard for the shopping addiction that will eventually cost you your credit rating, your house and your sanity.

I’m on my way

If she rings or texts to tell you that she is ‘on her way’, the only course of action is to open an unabridged version of War and Peace.

Because there is every chance she is not on her way. She might be trying on an outfit. She might be taking it off again. She might be trying on the outfit she first tried on 20 minutes ago. Whatever it is, she is categorically not ‘on her way’.

That was the best sex ever!

There are two possibilities here. The first is that it really was the best sex ever and she isn’t lying at all. More likely, it’s a big fat fib designed to massage your ego, salvage a dying relationship, or tempt you reluctantly into further late night shenanigans.

And that’s not a good sign. She shouldn’t have to lie to keep you interested. If you realistically conclude that there is no way on God’s good earth that it was the best sex ever, proceed with caution.

My phone ran out of credit/battery/signal

If repeated regularly, this classic can mean any number of things, none of them good. Maybe you’re in the doghouse. Maybe she’s getting bored with you. Maybe she’s having an amorous liaison with your best friend.

OK, the last one is probably a little over the top. But then again, maybe not. There’s some reason she doesn’t want to talk to you, after all.
http://www.fropki.com/common-lies-women-tell-men-vt43450.html

Old Farts Dating Younger Women – 4 Steps For Success
By Darryl Hurst

Sooner or later a guy falls into the category of old fart and although this is a relative term, the same as May-December is in describing a particular type of relationship, it can be a challenge for some men to deal with, especially if they are interested in dating a much younger woman. In this article I will discuss four important areas for a greater possibility of success-the right mindset, flirting, first dates and capturing her heart.

It’s really important to be comfortable with yourself first and not be depressed about the fact that you’re not as young as you used to be. You may have many wonderful attributes that some women will find quite appealing. That’s why May-December relationships happen! Sure, you may not be attractive to all women, but some women just like the idea of an older guy in their life, so play it out! If you have been out of the dating scene for awhile, you may have picked up some bad personal habits like sloppy dressing, forgetting to shave, and using colorful language. Work on these things and be a charming old fart.

It’s not necessary to reinvent your life or try to be something you aren’t, in fact if you dress like someone 20 years younger you may just look foolish doing so. Be honest. When shopping for new clothes find a younger sales lady and ask her to help you pick something out that she thinks would look good on you. Or ask a younger woman at work to help you find the right clothes. Take her out to lunch for helping you out, most women love to shop and don’t forget to tell her why you want new clothes, for dating! Who knows it may spark her interest in you. Getting a new look will also help you feel more confident inside.

Forget the canned pickup lines or a course in how to get more women to obey your every wish. Just be yourself and don’t worry about being nervous, it’s normal and most women find it cute if you’re a little nervous. If you’re really are scared get a self-hypnosis course on confidence, they really work.

Flirting is a lot easier for some men than for others but it’s necessary if you want a successful dating life. You have to communicate and do so without coming off as boring or a jerk. One good way is to get in the habit of admiring something that a woman is wearing or a new hairstyle. And it doesn’t have to be a woman you are interested in dating, just make it a habit to compliment women on their appearance whenever the occasion presents itself. And don’t overdo it, just a little remark like, “That’s a great new look for you!” will do it.

If you shop in the same grocery or pharmacy compliment the salesladies you see regularly, you will get the reputation of being a nice guy and friendly. Once again don’t overdo this, it is their job, so you don’t want to get them in trouble for talking too much. You are just getting in the practice of “breaking the ice” when a possible dating situation occurs.If you are really shy, join Toastmasters! It will definitely help you get out of your shell and feel at ease talking to anyone.

When picking a place for your first date or two, keep it very casual. If the weather is nice, a walk in the park and coffee is good or perhaps a farmers market. And walking will help with the jitters, if you have them. You want to be able to communicate and get to know each other so a movie is not a good idea. Also, if there is a big age difference between you and her, don’t hang out with her friends or your friends. Sooner or later someone will make a remark about your age differences and it will just be uncomfortable. Get to know each other first and if it works out, you won’t care what others think!

Workout dates are maybe not a good idea unless you are as fit as her. Serious athletes focus on their workouts and it tends not to be a casual activity. Try lounging by a pool and talking about working out! Also, if you wish to take her somewhere for lunch that is some distance away, make sure she is comfortable with that. If she is, the drive will be a good chance for talking. You want to be able to stand out from the other guys she dates and being older is an advantage if you’ve learned some cool things over the years, like wine tasting or knowledge of antiques or art. Just don’t come off as a know-it-all and turn her off. Let her casually see that you are quite talented and being with you is a rewarding experience.

When you’ve been together a few times a little gift would be nice, but I think staying away from flowers is a good idea at first. You want to let her know you are a sweet guy and a little gift when you pick her up for a date would be cool. If you have paid attention when you were out with her before, you may remember an item that she thought was cute. Gem shops are a great place to find something pretty and inexpensive. By now you may know her favorite colors, or you can always find something the color of her eyes, do you get it? Unless she is really into expensive things, you don’t have to overdo the spending and it could be a turnoff anyway. If you can afford expensive gifts, wait for awhile. You can learn more about people by the
simple things in life.

I believe that you will find out that as an old fart, dating younger women is not much different than dating someone your own age! It’s all about what you prefer and desire in your life. Start with learning about yourself, get a notebook and list all of your cool strong points and your weaknesses as well. You’ll always have room for improvement in all areas of your life, but starting with a new look as I had mentioned earlier is a great way to begin.

Getting out of yourself by flirting is mostly an observation game and practice in your communication skills. Being casual and laid back is the perfect way to begin a romance and it is much better to take a stroll with her than to get into the “this is going to be a date-yikes” mindset. Little things at the right time work much better than overkill in the gifts department and will help you to not only know her better, but will show her what a sweet and caring guy you are.

Darryl was somewhat of a reluctant OF, but has finally decided to accept it and get on with living!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Darryl_Hurst

The 7 Reasons Why Women Love Bad Boys
By Chris Williamson

Have you ever wondered why THAT guy always seems to get the girls? He’s brash, cocky and he marches to the beat of his own drum. He’s on (or over) the edge, bordering on rude and doesn’t seem to give a damn about anyone but himself – what exactly do women see in a guy like that?

You consider yourself outgoing, but conservative; interesting but a little shy; you can keep a conversation going, but with the right people… sounds good doesn’t it? Why do the bad boys always seem to get the ladies? Here are 7 reasons why:

1. Rebels are confident

That’s right. They wouldn’t be able to pull off half of the antics they do if they weren’t brimming with confidence. Bad boys aren’t just confident around their friends, either – their cavalier attitude is in everything they do, from eating their cereal in the morning, to asking the bartender for a cool glass of draft… to talking to the ladies on the balcony at a friend’s party. No matter where you look, women find confidence a major turn on.

2. Rebels are indifferent

Bad boys just simply don’t give a damn. They can take it or leave it. That’s one reason why they fare well with women. If a woman says no, who cares? They move on to the next one, and they do it with the same verve and maverick attitude as they did the last one. Here is a great quote, “Mr. Right doesn’t necessarily care if he is Mr. Right.” That’s indifference in a nutshell.

3. Rebels are exciting and adventurous

Ask yourself, “when was the last time I took a walk on the wild side?” If you are asking yourself that question, then you obviously aren’t a rebel. The ‘bad boys’ are always testing the boundaries and pushing the envelope when it comes to their life – and women can’t get enough of it. They find it intriguing. And when you put exciting and adventurous beside the other rebellious traits, it sends women into a tizzy.

4. Rebels are challenging and mysterious

Women don’t dig men that are pushovers. They also don’t like men that they can see coming a mile away. Contrary to the belief women like men they can read and men that provide them with a sense of security, women actually LOVE to guess! It is challenging for them, and it is one of the elements of the bad boy that keeps them coming back for more!

5. Rebels are very masculine

This often goes hand-in-hand with being confident, indifferent, exciting, adventurous… etc. Bad boys are often rugged and in-control. That doesn’t mean controlling; they just know how to get what they want. They speak clearly and confidently, they look you in the eye, they are passionate about what they believe in… but most importantly, they still know how to treat a lady.

6. Rebels give women a feeling of power

The illusion of control is often more powerful than control itself. Power within a relationship, power outside of a relationship – it doesn’t matter – being with a bad boy, encompassing all of the above traits, gives women an air of strength and togetherness. Essentially the confident, cocky bad boy image rubs off a little bit on her – and she laps it up!

7. Rebels know how to talk to women

If they weren’t confident, rebels would not be the chick magnets they are. Instead of indifferent, they would be self-conscious and non-committal (how many women have you passed up because you didn’t think you were good enough?) – you see, rebels don’t care. Rising to the challenge, living the wild side of life, being something more than conservative, and keeping her guessing about you – and her – it’s an explosive combination! And one that is geared to success for the dating male.

The combination makes the talking part almost a given – considering the woman’s interest has already been sparked. Talking with them is just the part that reels them in. And the bad boy knows how to tell her just what she wants to hear.

Rebels know how to talk to women because they are all of the above. Confidence followed up with indifference, sprinkled with a little bit of mystery, intrigue and excitement is what attracts most women to start. That gets you the ‘in’ to talk with them – they’re interested, now you have to show them what you’ve got. Figuring those things out is the trick. Bad boys use their conversational skills to keep a woman interested and wanting more – and you can too.

Author’s Bio
Chris Williamson shows you exactly how to talk to women so they find you totally irresistible.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/The_7_Reasons_Why_Women_Love_Bad_Boys_28607.html