Archives for posts with tag: sex

What do you call a asshole with half a brain?
Gifted.
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What’s the difference between government bonds and assholes?
Bonds Mature.
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What is the difference between a asshole and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a
fish.
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What did god say after creating assholes?
I can do better.
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Asshole husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
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Why do assholes want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.
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I went to the County Fair. They had one of those “Believe it or
not?” Shows. They had an asshole born with a penis and a brain.
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What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A asshole’s undivided attention.
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What are two reasons why assholes don’t mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
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How is an asshole like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many
inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.
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Did you hear about the banker who’s a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
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Why are assholes like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
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What do you call an intelligent asshole in America?
A tourist.
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Why do assholes play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
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If assholes got pregnant….
abortion would be available in convenience
stores and drive through windows.
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Why do assholes name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the
person who makes all their decisions.
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Did you hear about the asshole who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
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Why do assholes like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
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How do some assholes define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
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What is gross stupidity?
144 assholes in one room.
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Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to
put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you?
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How many assholes does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off
and shake the stove.
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What is an asshole’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
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How do assholes sort their laundry?
“Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.
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Only an asshole would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
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Why did god create assholes?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
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Why were assholes given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn’t hump other assholes’ legs at cocktail parties.
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Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed,
“how sad – a dead bird.” The other asshole looked up and said,
“where?”
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Why does the stupid asshole put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.

The 10 worst offenses of online parent gloating

by Rhiana Maidenberg | November 9, 2011

http://www.babble.com/mom/work-family/humble-brag/

 

1: “My 19-month-old won’t stop talking. It is driving me crazy!”

The Humble Brag: I'm my 19-month-old won't stop talking.  It is driving me crazy!

Really? Define crazy. Because I’m pretty sure that even from here, I can see you shudder with delight over each “word” he says, be it “ball” or “ba .”

2: “My husband is so thoughtless.  He had his secretary buy me a Tiffany’s bracelet for Mother’s Day.”

The Humble Brag: My husband is so thoughtless.  He had his secretary buy me a Tiffany's bracelet for Mother's Day

That must be really hard for you! I felt similarly when my husband forgot the day altogether.

3: “I was so sick during my pregnancy.  I only was able to gain 10 pounds!”

The Humble Brag: My husband is so thoughtless.  He had his secretary buy me a Tiffany's bracelet for Mother's Day

How horrible! You must have lost all your baby weight within the first two weeks! I, on the other hand, gained 50, so I was able to work it off for months and months.

 

4: “Help! My 18-month-old insists on pooping in the potty, and I’m not ready to potty-train!”

The Humble Brag: Help! My 18-month-old insists on pooping in the potty, and I'm not ready to potty-train!

Poor you, you must really miss wiping poopy bottoms. Maybe he will have an accident — cross your fingers! 

5: “I just dropped my children off for a week at the grandparents. What will I do without them?”

The Humble Brag: I just dropped my children off for a week at the grandparents.  What will I do without them?

I can think of a few things: Sleep in, eat in peace, read a book without pictures, watch television shows other than Curious George and Super Why … should I keep going? Fine. Get a mani-pedi, get a bottle of wine, have sex in the living room …

6: “I am so tired of being asked if I am my childrens’ nanny.  I can’t help that I look so young.”

The Humble Brag: I am so tired of being asked if I am my childrens' nanny.  I can't help that I look so young.

 You’re right, that totally sucks. On the other hand, giving birth aged me four years in just fourteen hours. Which sucks more.

7: “My 2-month-old already sleeps through the night.  Should I be waking her to nurse?”

The Humble Brag: My 2-month-old already sleeps through the night.  Should I be waking her to nurse?

Are you kidding me? Eight hours of uninterrupted sleep must be really taxing on you! You should book a massage.

8: “Whenever I take my child anywhere, strangers always stop us to admire her.  I can’t even go grocery shopping in peace!”

The Humble Brag: Whenever I take my child anywhere, strangers always stop us to admire her.  I can't even go grocery shopping in peace!
Maybe you should try having her wear a ski mask. I hear that this look is coming back with the toddler crowd.

9: “How do I support my best friend whose toddler is developmentally delayed, when my own is so advanced?”

The Humble Brag: How do I support my best friend whose toddler is developmentally delayed, when my own is so advanced?

Well, for starters, you should be sure to always mention your child’s milestones whenever you get together, and announce her superior abilities on every technological medium available. Other mothers love that!

10: “My husband is really annoying me.  He wants to be so involved in the child rearing.”

The Humble Brag: My husband is really annoying me.  He wants to be so involved in the child rearing.

I know, right?! Last weekend, after 18 holes of golf, my husband insisted on putting the girls to bed! SO ANNOYING

 

 

 

Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says “Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity…….” They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says “Oh no! Not for me!”

They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, “Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it.” The Devil then says, “Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced.”

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A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, “What are these things daddy?” His dad said, “Condoms son.” The boy asked, “Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?” The dad replied, “The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March….”

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Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary’s pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, “Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!”
The waiter says, “Can I help you, sir?” Gary yells, “There’s a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!” The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, “What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair.” Gary says, “Yeah? Well, how long do you think I’d have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?”
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

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One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”. So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”. The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”. Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27”, she replies

“Fuck me”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins”

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The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.”

The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.”

He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!”

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”

He replies,”I can’t get into your knickers!”

“And you never bloody will if you don’t change your attitude.”

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How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.

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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???” , “DO IT!”. So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.”

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There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”

COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.

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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window…

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?

“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

She replies, “Yes, getting herpies – thats why I am here!”

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This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. “Put your finger in me…” she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. “Put two fingers in…”, she says. So in goes another one. She’s really starting to get worked up when she says, “Put your whole hand in!”. The guy’s like, “Ok!”. So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud “Put both your hands inside of me!!!”. So the guy puts both of his hands in! “Now clap your hands…” commands the girl. “I can’t”, says the guy. The girl looks at him and says “See, I told you I had a tight pussy!”.

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A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, “My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!”. The cat says, “I don’t think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter.” The penis outraged, says “At least your master doesn’t put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!”

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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”. The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

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A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentile, I’m still a virgin.” The husband being shocked, replied, “How’s this possible? You’ve been married three times before.” The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I miss him!”

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On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.”Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?” He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”. He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

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John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a year!” To John’s dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, “Tonight�s the night!”

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”

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One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.” Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?” Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

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A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, “What is it without touching it?” The blind man replies, “That’s a good piece of fir.” “Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one.” “That’s a bad piece of willow,” says the blind man. “Correct,” answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. “I’m confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?” The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, “Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!”
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A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: “The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor’s cows! “Wow,” says his friend, “what did the vet do to that bull?” “Just gave him some pills'” said the farmer. “What kind of pills?” asked his friend. “I don’t know, but they sort of taste like peppermint.”

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There was this old woman who heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”

So the woman asked, “Is this a record?”

To which the man replied, “No, its average!”

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Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. “She’s incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.” said one doctor. “Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!”

The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!”

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. “Oh my God!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”

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A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. “What happened to you?” asked the doctor. “Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow’s ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake.” The doctor looked puzzled and asked, “What mistake was that?”
“I said ‘Hey this looks like yours hun!'”

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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

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A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person “How much are the washer and dryer?”

“Five dollars for both of them,” the salesman said.
“Yeah right, you’ve got to be kidding me!” the man replied sarcastically.
“No, that’s the price,” the salesman said, “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll take them!” the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. “How much?” he asked.

“Five dollars for the system,” the salesman answered.
“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.
“No,” said the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”
“Sure,” the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?”
“Five dollars,” was the familiar response.
“I’ll take that too!” the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
“Why are your prices so cheap?”

The salesman said, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business!”

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What a woman says…

This place is a mess! C’mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You’ll have no clothes to wear if we
don’t do laundry right now!

What a man hears…

blah blah blah blah blah C’MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

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A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
“Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?”
“Yes, officer… I know I was speeding — but it is a matter of life or death.”
“Oh, really? How’s that?”
“There’s a naked woman waiting for me at home.”
“I don’t see how that is a matter of life or death.”
“If I don’t get home before my wife does, I’m a dead man.”

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A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, “I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich.” The Madam says, “For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf.” The trucker says, “I’m not horny, I’m homesick.”

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A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, “What size?”

He says, “I don’t know.”

She holds up a finger and says, “That big?”

He says, “Bigger.”

She holds up three fingers and says, “That big?”

He says, “Smaller?”

She holds up two fingers and he says, “That’s it.”

She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, “Medium.”

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An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, “Wife Name – Three Horse.”
“That’s an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?”
“It’s an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag.”

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?” The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.”

The old lady suggested, ” Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”

The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

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A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.”

She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.”

The cowboy said, “Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.” She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”

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A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. “What are you doing?” she asks. “Mom, it’s my LOVE dress!! Don’t you like it?” I’ll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over” replies the mom.

When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. “Now what are you doing?” “Mom, it’s my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!”

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: “Honey, what are you doing?” she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, “It’s my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?” Her husband thinks long and hard and says, “I think you should have ironed it!”

——————————————————————————–

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.” Replied the widow, “Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was.”

——————————————————————————–

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary.”

The guy says, “What’s wrong with her?”

The boss shows him a picture, and she’s hideous.

The boss says, “It’s only fair to tell you, she’s not only ugly, she’s as dumb as a wall.”

The guy says, “I don’t care what you offer me, it ain’t worth it.”

The boss says, “I’ll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island.”

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he’s about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, “Bring me a hammer.”

She mumbles, “Get the hammer. Get the hammer,” and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, “Get me some nails.”

She mumbles, “Get the nails. Get the nails,” and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, “Fuck!”

She mumbles, “Get the bag. Get the bag.”

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A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”

“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

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A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, “What’s that?”

She says, “It’s me lower mouth.”

He says, “What do you mean, ‘your lower mouth?'”

She says, “Just what I said, it’s me lower mouth. It’s got a moustache… It’s got lips…”

He asks, “Has it got a tongue in it?”

She says, “Not yet. . .”

——————————————————————————–

Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.” “Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left… The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house:
“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, Buddy”

——————————————————————————–

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.

“I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!”

“Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now.”

“I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. “Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he’ll wake up won’t he?

“Sugar, he certainly won’t. If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him.”

Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and fucked her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!”

Top 10 Countries with the Hottest Women

We all have our own personal reasons for expatriating. For some it’s the sense of freedom or independence, for others it’s the adventure, business or financial benefits; maybe you identify more with a foreign culture. Then there are those of you who do it for the… scenery. You know who you are.

Just for you folk, we’ve assembled a list of the top countries with the hottest women.
10. Spain

Spanish women
The beautiful women just seem to line up in Spain. Those splendid Mediterranean tans tend to help too– and so do the nude beaches.

9. South Africa
South African woman

There are few places where you’ll see such a wide variety of beautiful women that’ll suite anyone’s particular fancy – South Africa is one of them. And they come with a lovely English accent too.
8. Czech Republic

Czech Republic woman
Top models seem to come from the Czech Republic like wildfire these days. And anyone who’s taken even a leisurely stroll through Prague would have to be blind not to have noticed.
7. Iran

Iranian woman
Persian women are some of the most beautiful, strongest willed in the world, though unfortunately often overlooked due to the shroud still lingering over women’s rights in nations like Iran.
6. Croatia

Croatian women
Italian women get a lot of well-deserved looks, but the ladies of Croatia are the true gems of the Adriatic.
5. India

Indian woman

India has a deep, intricate and storied history, and women of legendary beauty are certainly a part of that.
4. Sweden

Swedish girls
Tall, blond and blue-eyed– is there a more quintessential archetype for the beautiful woman than the women of Sweden?
3. Hungary

Hungarian woman
Eastern European countries are popular on this list, and Hungary sits at the crossroads of them all. All the best traits of Eastern European women mix perfectly and find just the right balance in Hungary.
2. Japan

Japanese girl


Asia has no shortage of beautiful women, though they may get no cuter than in Japan.
1. Brazil

Brazilian women

Walk down any Brazilian beach and you’ll be convinced– everyone just seems to be beautiful in Brazil. Undoubtedly, this is the place to be if you’re looking for the hottest women in the world.

10 Traits Men Appreciate Most in Women

The rules of the mating game, evolutionary psychologists tell us, have been laid down since the earliest times and have hardly changed with the passing of centuries. What modern males and females consider attractive in the opposite sex is virtually the same set of biological and psychological factors that were held desirable by our forefathers. So, while scientists keep on speculating about the original purposes behind human behavior, there are a number of proven traits that make for that inevitable pull we call love. Here’s the top 10 list of what men fall for invariably.

Trait 10 – the right touch of neuroticism
Anxiety and neuroses have been plaguing women more than men for ages, and it’s a double-edged sword. For while highly neurotic women tend to grow dissatisfied with their relationships as compared to their quieter counterparts, there are psychologists that argue that a certain level of neuroticism makes a woman more attractive. Men find anxious women who express concern over the well-being of their males and their children preferable to ones who may seem more indifferent.

If your partner grows more anxious and you feel that it starts rocking the boat, there is a simple expedient of having more sex.

Trait 9 – the excitement of red
It’s public knowledge that the red color is regarded as the color of love, passion and sex; these associations have deep biological roots, as revealed by a study carried out by Andrew Elliot and Daniela Niesta. There are other species in the animal world that also associate red with mating.

Trait 8 – the allure of the waist and hips
The waist and hip curves have always attracted the eyes of male, but the esthetic joy of the sight has rigid mathematic ratio behind it. Occidental people commonly find the ratio of 0.7 the most attractive, meaning that the waist circumference should be 70% of the hip circumference. And while the ratio was assessed as a little higher or lower for other cultures, it’s never far off the mark. The evolutionary viewpoint suggests that a ratio lower than 0.6 can mean that the hips are too slender for a comfortable childbirth, and a significantly higher ratio can stand for excessive weight that can also cause difficulties during birth.

Trait 7 – the tale the mouth and eyes tell
There are distinct notions as to how an ideal mouth and eyes should look. A female mouth that is regarded as ideal, as stated in the study on attractive features by Michael Cunningham, should run half the width of the face.

There is plentiful experimental evidence showing that men believe large eyes to be a purely feminine feature. Biologically large eyes can be an indication of general sound health and, therefore, a witness of healthy reproduction.

Trait 6 – the beauty of the body
As the ancient caveman, on the lookout for a sexual partner, wished to estimate the nearest cavewoman’s fertility aptitude, he ran his eyes over her body that told him whether she was already pregnant or ready enough to become so. It was sufficient information for the next half-hour, and the facial features didn’t come into the picture.

As later as 2010 the same was confirmed by a study (researchers: Jaime Confer, Carin Perilloux and David Buss). When men were asked to decide the worth of a woman as a preferable short-term date by photographs, they went by her body and not by her face. A sexy body comes high as a priority.

Trait 5 – the comfort of empathy
According to the findings of a study by Daniel Nettle from the University of Newcastle, a survey of personality differences shows that the average female rates far above the average male as regards the ability to empathize. The study includes empathy in the list of traits forming agreeableness.

The researcher’s theoretic explanation of this difference runs that as of old the ability to form and build up social alliances ranked high among a woman’s priorities as that providing for the survival of her children. In the language of our time, extroverted women who show empathy and a high level of agreeableness may be held as possessing superior female qualities than those less inclined to behave in this fashion.

Trait 4 – the thrill of ovulation
Men’s reaction to an ovulating woman is habitually stronger, as shown by a 2009 study conducted by Saul Miller and Jon Maner. The phenomenon is grounded on people’s subconscious ability to detect (and react to) a large number of physical substances apart from pheromones that relate to the reproductive status of the potential sexual partner. The researchers asked men to smell soiled T-shirts of women at various stages of their menstrual period. Whenever a man smelled the shirt of an ovulating woman his testosterone level invariably went up in comparison with men whose shirts belonged to non-ovulating women.

While all men found themselves excited by an ovulating woman, the study revealed, it goes more for single blokes than for men already engaged in a relationship. It goes to show that behavior and desire can be strongly swayed by other considerations like the preference of the existing relationship to a potential new one.

Trait 3 – the value of a sacrifice
An Arizona State University research conducted by a team led by Vladas Griskevicius in 2007 concluded that women, when in a romantic mood, act more charitably than men and are more prone to self-sacrificing deeds.

On the other hand, the study discovered that charitable and self-effacing behavior is generally observed in public places, which shows that women may be aware of the value men put on that trend and unconsciously use it as additional sexual motivation.

Trait 2 – the joy of appreciation
In long-term relationships mutual appreciation often tends to deteriorate and get replaced by a demanding and criticizing attitude towards one another – which produces an adverse influence on the couple’s bond, sex life and the atmosphere that surrounds them. Marriage expert John Gottman proved in his research that mutual expression of appreciation towards your partner forms the basis of a satisfaction with the relationship.

Trait 1 – the fairness of the face
In terms of a mating strategy aimed at building a committed relationship that is meant to last, it is the woman’s face that wins the man. The University of Austin scientists who investigated into a long-term mating strategy in men found that 75% opted for a woman’s face as the factor of prime importance. This consideration was borne out by another study carried out at the Kinsey Institute – it emerged that, when having sex, men look at their partner’s face more often than women do.

Small wonder, then, that most of the time women spend on preening themselves is devoted to caring for and treating their faces, biologically and psychologically their main asset!

http://geniusbeauty.com/men-and-women/10-traits-men-appreciate-most-women/

I HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF AT ALL COSTS
– even if it keeps me from being loved!I

Previous: UNDER-Trusting

NOTE: It’s very important to remember we are not to blame for being deeply mistrustful of everyone. We have experienced many, many betrayals by the important people in our lives – whether by family, friends, spouse, school, church or government. Some or all of these betrayals are so extreme that we may never be able to forgive, regardless of what the ‘gurus’ tell us. This is not to deny the benefits of forgiveness – just that if we are not able to do it (yet) but believe we should, ‘or else’, we unfairly add to our self-hate & sense of failure.
• The point to this post is to make it clear how we perpetuate the patterns set down for us by our trauma (see CDs: INFO & the Brain) so we can stop beating ourselves up or feeling ashamed, & instead try out new internal beliefs & external actions

PATTERNS* of Mistrust
* All of these are being generated by the WIC in an attempt to protect us from further harm, but are totally unsuccessful, since they prevent us from getting the closeness & love we need. And all are forms of control – which is always based on trying to prevent being abandoned in P.M.E.S. ways

a. FAKE ME – we clearly got the message that who & what we were as a child was unacceptable to our parents. So as adults, when interacting with others, we try to ‘improve’ our personality by twisting ourselves unnaturally into something we think this present-day person or group is going to want
• We spend a lot of time trying to figure out “how I should feel”, “what I should wear”, “what I’m going to say”…… & never get it quite right, because it’s artificial. Of course, if we are being run by our WIC, we don’t know who we are or how to relate from a place of empowerment, so it is very hard to be healthy and safe at the same time

b. LABELING – some of us decide at the beginning of a relationship (potential friend or lover) what kind it’s going to be, without having enough information about the other person or giving it enough time to develop organically. We may think:
• “This is just going to be a friendship” • “This one is just for sex”
• “This one isn’t going to last” • “This is just casual”
• “This is permanent” • “This is the one I can’t live without”

Again, this is trying to control the outcome and be prepared for the inevitable abandonment we expect. Preconceived notions may –
– actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy of loss because we prevented it from growing into something positive
– shock us with unexpected results, if we have illusions about it
– severely disappoint all unrealistic expectations
– occasionally surprise us by turning into something better than hoped for

c. PARANOIA – because we were so often hurt as a child, we conclude that for the rest of our lives everyone will inevitably do us harm, sooner or later. So we assume the worst of everyone we meet, men & women, altho’ some of us may be more afraid of one gender than another, depending on which parent was crueler. This is our reaction even with people who have proven to consistently treat us well, making it hard to benefit from anyone who can be there for us – in healthy ways

d. MIND-READING – we’re always trying to figure out
– WHY they did or didn’t do something (“Why hasn’t he called me back?”, “Why did they leave?”…) because we think that if we can figure it out, we can fix ourselves so they won’t leave us, or so they’ll come back
– WHAT they are thinking in general, & specifically about us, so we know where we stand, what they want from us, how we should behave ……. Our co-dependence makes us assume that if they like us we‘re allowed to live, but if they disapprove or are angry at us we should be dead! & this happens over & over with each person, so we’re like emotional yo-yos

e. OVER-TRUSTING (recent post) – everyone tells us about themselves, subtly or not, yet we ignore all the unhealthy things we hear & experience in people we ‘need’, staying too long at the party & getting trampled! Then wonder why we can’t trust

f. BACK-DOOR – at the same time we build-in a defense strategy in relationships to manage our FoA by automatically looking for flaws in others, which we can use as an excuse to escape the minute we feel disappointed (they failed our test) – by not reading our mind, not rescuing us, not symbiosing with us…. It’s our ‘fear of commitment’, so we never quite have both feet firmly in the relationship, BUT then complain that we can’t connect / don’t feel close / aren’t valued….
• an extreme version of this is when we really do want to get out of a relationship but don’t have the right or the courage to do it directly — we create drama (fights, an affair, constantly pressuring them….), pushing the other person away in order to force them into doing the leaving. BUT then we feel abandoned & unloved – & angry!

g. TESTING – on the one hand we have created a set of rules for others to follow (no matter what kind of relationship), often unconsciously AND which we don’t tell the other person about. Our rules:
– are the good ways we wish we could be treated, but are not allowed to ask for directly or do for ourselves
– represent our demand that others be the good parents we didn’t have
– are the measuring stick we use so we can know what to expect – so we won’t be conned & to not feel so vulnerable
• Then we wait to see how many rules they fulfill or which ones they violate – & when they fail the test we can feel justified in our anger & disenchantment with them – & all of humanity!

h. The THIRD DEGREE – on the other hand, we may try to be safe by asking endless questions, probing to see what’s really going on, to see if the situation is safe, what do they like, want, need…..
NOTE: Information about who people are is legitimate & necessary – but here we’re talking about frantic, incessant interrogation because of not trusting or believing in our perceptions, or letting things unfold slowly

i. PREEMPTIVE STRIKES – verbally attack or threaten physical harm ahead of assumed danger, especially if someone has inadvertently pushed one of our old buttons, like accusing us wrongly or acting needy
Exp: One young woman threatened each new lover with bodily harm on the first date if he ever did or said anything to scare her
Exp: Another young woman reacted with great anger when a new boyfriend would innocently ask if she cooked. She’d spit out “I wouldn’t be caught dead cooking!”

https://acoarecovery.wordpress.com/2011/06/30/acoas-patterns-of-mistrust/

What NOT to do when you realize you have a cheating spouse
http://hubpages.com/hub/two-timing
By S. Jordan

Lately you’ve been suspicious of your significant other. They appear to be taking better care of themselves, spending more time showering, getting dressed and more concerned with their appearance. He or she even went ahead and got that gym membership that you talked about at the beginning of the year. Initially, you were glad to know that all of the so called nagging you’ve been doing has finally paid off. Then it hits you. Not only are they more concerned with their physical appearance, but their new found confidence has actually changed their attitude, for the worse!

They start staying out late, going to parties and events that you aren’t invited to and paying you less attention. This person all of a sudden has friends you’ve never met (and you’ve met all of them, or so you thought)! Not to mention the private phone conversations and the sudden need to have the phone glued to their side. Heaven forbid if you innocently asked, “Who was that on the phone sweetie?” Instead of the usual Chris, Bob, Cindy or Jill it becomes an argument. MAJOR RED FLAG!

You don’t have proof but something just doesn’t seem right. It’s like a dreary thought that won’t go away. You decide to confide in your friends and family but they all say the same thing. “Do you really think he/she is cheating”? Do you have any substantial evidence? Maybe you’re just overreacting!

Deep down you know something is wrong so you confront your spouse. And not surprisingly your spouse denied it. As a matter of fact they acted as if the mere thought of cheating on you was impossible because of the love and respect they have for you. So, like the forgiving person you are, you take their word. You have no reason not to, but for some reason those negative feeling just won’t go away.

You’ve been so paranoid lately. Then all of a sudden it’s staring you right in the face. Maybe you saw the two of them together… You found a phone number and decided to call… You hired a private investigator… A trustworthy friend called to deliver the bad news! However it happened, you finally discovered that the person you love is a coldblooded cheater. You have proof, but now what? The last thing you want to do is overreact, but how could you not?! My advice is simple, so please take a deep breath and think. And try not to do this!

Do not become a stalker! If you decide to stay with your partner, do not take up a hobby as a psycho detective in your spare time. You are going to have to get over what he or she did in order to move on. Checking up on you spouse is not going to change what they did or prevent them for doing it again. You have to trust that you made the right decision to work it out, and in time you partner should prove to you (by their actions) that it was a one time slip up and it won’t happen again. If it does, maybe it’s time to move on.

Do Not Sleep around! Sometimes we have it in our head to seek revenge. And revenge to most of us is to do the exact same thing that caused the lack of trust in the relationship in the first place. “She cheated on me so I’ll do the same to her”. Not only is it childish, but it only creates more problems. This may be an old saying but, “Two wrongs don’t make a right”!

Do Not Attack the person they cheated with! This is a common mistake with many. To go after the other man or woman will not help the situation because this person did not make a commitment to you. There are some instances where the other person may be a friend or someone who is aware that you’re in a relationship, but regardless of that fact, your main concern should be with your spouse.

Do not compare yourself! I highly doubt that when your boyfriend, fiance, or husband started cheating he thought to himself, “She’s taller, cuter, slimmer, etc”. Same for you men out there! Women are not comparing looks, and if so I’m almost certain this is not the reason behind their infidelity.. That being said, the act of cheating itself is usually deeper than the physical appearance of the other person. Your partner may just have some issues within themselves that they need to work out.

Do Not Blame yourself for their infidelity! You are not responsible for anyone’s actions but your own, Period! Did YOU cheat? Were YOU unfaithful? Did YOU lie to the person you love? You see where I’m going with this. Unless you gave your spouse permission to see other people, better yet you pointed a gun to his head and said go cheat, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Do Not Resort to violence of any kind! (tire slashing, window breaking or domestic violence) especially if children are involved. You don’t want to set a bad example for your children. Legal action can also be taken against you. Depending on how far you take it, word can get out about you behavior and you can lose your job (hurt the reputation of your company), friends and disapproving family members. Plus in the end you look like the real idiot.

Letting GO
I understand that you may be going through a lot, especially if you’ve invested lots of time in the relationship. Cheating devastates any relationship, so correct me if I’m wrong to say that when a married man or woman finds out that their husband or wife cheated, it’s a little more heart breaking than a boyfriend or girlfriend who cheats, because of the level of commitment expected. Better yet, a person who has spent years with another, and those that have children together suffer more. But the first thing you should do is stop and think about whether or not this is something you are willing to try and work out. For some it’s possible to get pass the devastation and heartbreak, for other’s it’s not that simple. Whatever your course of action is, you will eventually have to learn to let it go. If you decide to work it out with your spouse, you have to get pass it and let it go. If you break up, but have children, you have to let it go for the sake of the kids. Even if you don’t have children, and decide not to stay together, you still need to let it go. The last thing you want to do is bring old baggage into a new relationship. LET IT GO!

Where does your man keep his condoms? Where’s the strangest place you’ve seen them at a dude’s place?

1. What it means if he keeps condoms everywhere…
A gentleman will keep his sex habits to himself (in terms of a dating blogger, who claims to be a gentleman, saying this, please feel free to comment with a giant “FAIL!”). He won’t leave condoms everywhere in plain sight, letting you know or think that he’s in constant need.

Extra points off he leaves them so that you can “mistakenly” find them, like peeking out of his bedside table; if he’s going to pretend to be a giant man-whore, he should at least have the decency to own it.

2. What it means if he keeps condoms in the bathroom…
This used to be my go-to, but I’ve since learned. I understand the temptation to keep all things purchased within the walls of a pharmacy in the bathroom, but not only is it inconvenient to say “excuse me” and go jogging across your apartment, in full-boner, and then back, to fetch a condom, but there’s an added chance for error, or loss of interest, that I am no longer willing to risk. I could fall, or bang my shin, or get distracted by my phone. Or worse, by the time I got back, she could have become engaged with her knitting, found something better to do, or otherwise come to her senses.

3. What it means if he keeps condoms nowhere…
Obvious red flag, though completely forgivable in the right circumstances, which include “I guess I ran out,” (man-whore embarrassment) or “I didn’t think I’d be having sex,” (unprepared embarrassment), or “I thought you’d have one,” (presumption embarrassment).

Even with the above, I think a lack of protection is a good reason to raise some eyebrows.
There can be a perfectly reasonably explanation, but if he’s not used to using condoms, and by that I mean, he’s used to having sex without them, beware.

For the record, I keep mine (which are Durex, Bare—they are the least obtrusive—the thinnest brand I can trust) in four places: my Naughty Book, a large volume that has some pages carved out of it, next to my bed; the drawer of my nightstand, next to my bed (in a small white sack labeled “condoms,” which I took from a hotel); one “emergency condom” in an antique cigarette case on my book shelf; in my bathroom (medicine chest for backups and toiletry bag for travel).

http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/single-ish/2010/11/sex-where-guys-keep-their-cond.html#ixzz18WzDXS7S

Top 10 Male Body Parts Women Love
Every man is dying to know what male body parts turn women on the most. Well, guess what? I surveyed over 100 women and asked them that very question. Not only did their replies blow me away, but I quickly came to the realization that I need to get my sorry butt into the gym on a more permanent basis.

Although the question revolved solely around body parts, women had some things to add regarding the parts they selected. Whether it had to do with proper hygiene or grooming, the women were not shy about their demands. And we all know how supply and demand go hand-in-hand.
ten parts of men
The following list is made up of the most popular selections in specific order from what’s fine and dandy to the very best. Take note and learn how to keep your woman happy.

10- Sharply shaped shoulders

Of the 100 women surveyed, a vast majority had a lot to say about shoulders. They like it when a man has well-defined, broad shoulders because they’re a sign of strength and masculinity.

One woman wrote, “I love when a man moves his shoulders and you’re able to see the (muscle) definition.” Another gal added, “Running my fingers across broad, lean ones excites me immeasurably. That’s why I love giving my boyfriend massages in this area.” So it’s time to get to work at the gym, and as the list goes on, you’ll quickly come to the same realization yourself.

9- Chiseled chest

All men love a nice pair of breasts — real or fake. As long as they look good, we’re not complaining. Well, women have the same requirements (minus that whole fake thing though).

Perfect pecs are part of the whole image women have conjured up in their fantasy-filled daydreams. Most ladies said that they like being able to envision what a man’s chest looks like under his clothes. The way a sweater or chemise falls on a man’s body, they profess, reveals a lot about what’s under there.

How fair is that? They get to have those push-up, water-filled, padded bras that create a complete illusion of what’s really under there. And what do we have? I think Seinfeld ‘s Kramer was on the right track with the man’s bra — or should I say The Bro ?

8- Bulging biceps

Come on… you knew it was coming. Big, well-defined biceps don’t just signify strength, they also reveal that you’re taking good care of your body. And if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man who takes care of things.

As with the chest, women love when they’re able to get a hint of a man’s biceps either through his sweater or when he wears a T-shirt and they can see the start of the rippling muscle (their words, not mine).

It also doesn’t hurt when guys are able to lift them up and maneuver their bodies effortlessly when they’re engaging in crazy “slam you up against the wall” sex. So I guess that mom was just kidding all those times she told us that it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Real funny.

7- Luscious lips

Oh my, what big ass lips you have! That’s right guys; we’re not the only ones who long for Angelina Jolie-like lips. Women like full mouths on men not just for their aesthetic appeal, but for those more intimate things we can do with them.

One woman wrote, “I love to suck on a man’s thick lips until they’re swollen and then I like to rub ice on them while I kiss them.” Yeah, I like to do that to lips too, just not the ones she’s referring to.

But women were very diverse in the lip department. Some liked only thick bottom lips and some even preferred thinner lips. Perhaps that’s because they all prefer the…

6- Tantalizing tongue

If there’s one talent that women appreciate immensely, it’s a man’s ability to use his tongue as though it were a saliva-producing penis with an attitude. Lots of women were quick to point out that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body, but that is highly debatable.

Although some women chose the tongue for those intimate kissing sessions, most specified that it was because they enjoyed being kissed “down there.” Down where? Can u lingis?

Everything from using the tip of your tongue to tease the clitoris to using your entire tongue to lick the vagina from top to bottom was mentioned here. Even penetrating her with it was quite popular. I notice that upon this subject, the ladies’ writing began getting somewhat shaky. Hmm, I wonder why?

– Hygienic hands

“One thing I love about my boyfriend are his big, thick, clean hands.” Until I heard the word hands , I could’ve sworn that she was talking about something else. Actually the word “clean” threw me off somewhat. Do most men have filthy hands?

Another surveyed woman mentioned that a man’s hands say a lot about him. Come on , I thought, that’s just a myth . But she was referring to other things like what he does for a living and what he emits about himself to the world.

A more interesting woman stated that she loves sucking on a man’s fingers and mimicking fellatio. So keep those hands in tiptop shape; you never who might want to wrap their mouth around those fingers.

4- Honed hips

Whereas in this day and age, the smaller a woman’s hips the better, surprisingly enough, women also like holding on to our hips when having sex. They love the fact that our hips are narrow. I think they’re just jealous.

“I find that hollow area under the ribs that ends above the hipbones irresistible. A woman’s hands belong there.” I couldn’t agree more.

3- Awesome abs

It’s absolutely no surprise that women love that washboard stomach. The ripples are the epitome of what a man is defined by. Men should strive for that six-pack, and no, I’m not referring to Budweiser.

Some women didn’t necessarily require rock hard abs, but a flat stomach was important just the same. “No woman wants to have sex with a man who has to physically lift his belly in order to put it in.” Wow, I never knew that that was possible!

Women do have a point though. I’m not rushing to hop into bed with any woman whose stomach jiggles and is loose, so why should they? Taut tummies are a prerequisite in the bedroom, so like I said before: hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to the gym we go…

2- Primped penis

Ah finally, they got to my personal favorite (but only my own ding-a-ling, that is… not that there’s anything wrong with that). And although they didn’t specify that size matters, they did say that they required a “good size.” Yeah, good and plenty…

But more importantly, a lot of women mentioned that a properly groomed groin area was very important. “I don’t like spitting out curly, coarse hair when I’m in the middle of a fellatio marathon.” So break out the razors, wax and depilatories, it’s time to make a forest clearing.

Other things that women mentioned:

Proportionate skin color (body to penis)
Not too veiny
Circumcised
Uncircumcised
Not too small
Not too big
Thick
Nice smell (I guess they expect reciprocity)

1- Buff butt

I guess the one thing this survey goes to show is that women are not that much different from men. Then again, I don’t think they’re as big on slapping our butts as we are with theirs.

Some women wrote that they love those “half-moon” butts, while others preferred the “slightly curvaceous” ones. “It’s usually the athletic guys that have the nicest butts… oh and Brad Pitt.” Some chick was bound to throw that one in.

http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip/41b_love_tip.html