Archives for posts with tag: trust

HOW TO SPOT A LIAR

By Patti A. Wood, MA, CSP
http://www.pattiwood.net

In the most important interviews of their careers Gary Condit sucked in his lips and stuck out his tongue, Bill Clinton touched his nose about every four minutes and Enron’s Ken Lay overacted and was over confident. In these public moments they gave us nonverbal cues that they were lying. They lost their credibility.

Maintaining credibility is an important part of customer service. You need to trust the people you do business with. Your customers need to trust you to be honest with them. If you feel that the car salesman is trying to sell you a lemon or the computer help desk is lying about the need to upgrade to their new software your confidence in their business is undermined. When you tell a customer that you can deliver in three months and swipe your tongue across your lips he picks up on a subconscious level that you may be lying and you lose the sale. When your front counter employee smiles and sarcastically says they are so sorry you are so upset, the words are meaningless. Can you spot a liar? And can you not be seen as a liar yourself.

Nonverbal Communication is the way the subconscious mind speaks. No matter how much you want to control it, it gives clues to how you are truly feeling. This makes it an ideal medium for detecting lies. Eyes, head, voice and hands leak out cues of withholding and deception or cues that can establish credibility. Body Language cues an undeniable although the underlying motivation and interpretation can vary.

There are up to 10,000 body language cues packed in every minute of interaction. When someone is not telling the truth, their nonverbal behavior speaks volumes. Body language cues are undeniable although the underlying motivation and the interpretation can vary. Therefore you need to base your interpretation on a number of factors called deception cues.

NONVERBAL DECEPTION CUES

The Nine Months Pregnant Pause – Pauses

Liars have longer pauses, shorter answers and longer times between a question and a response than someone who is merely nervous. It makes sense that liars need time to create the lie, recalling the truth takes less time. If you ask a clerk if they gave you back the correct change and there is a long pause before their response it may be an indication of deceit. This is not a cue you would take in isolation as fact. You might combine it with checking to see where their eyes go after you ask them the question.

People tend to look up to the right to visualize or create a new response or down to the right to create the sounds of a new response. We recall information that occurred in the past by looking up to the left or down to the left. Spot a liar by listening for pauses and right eye movement. Be credible by answering spontaneously.

The Hands Have it – Excessive Gesturing and Adaptors

If you lie spontaneously in the moment you will tend to spend more time gesturing with your hands and using adapters, such as scratching your body or playing with a pen than someone who is just nervous.

If you ask Sara in Payroll, who serves you the internal customer, why your check is so late, and then she picks up the beanie baby from on her desk, begins to play with it as she says she has worked on this for hours and she has no idea. If this frog juggling seems excessive, and especially if it is combined with other cues of deception you have got her. Realize the rehearsed or practiced liar who has planned their deceit ahead of time will try to control gestures.

Mind Your Mouth – Mouth, Lips, and Tongue Cues

Be careful of pursing or licking your lips. Condit pursed his lips and sucked them inward more than 14 times in his famous 2002 television interview with Connie Chung. This can indicate extreme anxiety, withholding information and withholding aggression. Tight lips indicate you may be planning to keep the truth in. If you actually suck the lips part way in, you may be withholding anger. When you are nervous, your mouth becomes dry, and you lick your lips and swallow as you struggle to find the right words to say.

Be Still My Love — Lack of Animation

Deception is all about keeping something hidden. The more a person moves his body or expresses with his voice and the more he or she speaks, the more we can learn. Practiced liars know this and usually keep as still as possible. Being overly controlled can work against you. Gary Condit was coached to stay still in his television interview. So he kept his face inexpressive, his upper body stiff and his legs crossed. First, he looked frozen, and then when he couldn’t hold it any longer he leaked out aggression cues such as finger pointing grasping motions and sticking out his tongue. We spotted a liar. I have often seen a normally animated customer service rep get up to a product explanation and become a monotone automatron. The audience wonders what you are hiding and is bored to tears. Spot a liar by looking for someone who is too stiff and still. Don’t look like a liar by making sure you are naturally animated.

Hand Jive — Hiding Hands

The hands come out symbolically from the heart; hands and arms symbolically express the emotions of the heart. Liars tend to keep their hands hidden and still. They stick them in their pockets, clench them together or hold them behind their backs. Imagine that the person who you suspect of lying has the truth in the palms of their hands and see if they show it to you. It is not surprising that one of the first things we do to start a business interaction or close a deal with a customer is shake hands. My three years of academic research on handshakes show that the single most important factor in the handshake is palm to palm contact. Research also shows, when you’re the customer and don’t get it, you wonder what the person is hiding, you are uncomfortable for the rest of the interaction and you are less likely to purchase. When people are trying to hide their true feeling or the truth they may stick their hands in their pockets, clench them together, or hold the behind their backs. To spot liars — look to see if the hands are open and “above board.” Because people do hide their hands when they are nervous, if you see hidden hands ask yourself why they are nervous. Don’t look like a liar by using your hands normally as you speak or if that is not normal loosely at your sides. And try not to clasp your hands together. Body language is highly symbolic and it will look like you are hiding your own hands for comfort.

Windows to the Soul — Closed Curtains

We have what I call windows all over the body. Just as we pull down the shades when we don’t want others to see in, we also close off the entrances to our body so our true feelings aren’t seen. There are windows at the bottom of the feet, the kneecaps, the bottom of the torso, the middle of the chest, the neck, mouth and eyes and the top of the head. Liars tend to close entrances to hide the truth. A liar closes these windows by putting clothing over them, turning his body away from the person he is talking to, putting objects or furniture between himself and others and most simply folding his arms. When someone’s windows are closed we don’t feel as comfortable in an interaction. You’re asking a clerk an important question as her face is turned toward you but the rest of her body is turned toward the exit. Her windows are closed. She is saying, “I am pretending by looking at you that I want to talk but really I want to go home. I am not really interested in serving you.”

In the 90’s I consulted with the architect and owners of new “Ripley’s Believe It or Not” museums on the layout of the entrances and ticket counters of new locations. They planned raised platforms, high counter top ticket booths an average of ten steps from the door. This design was great for security but I shared with them why it would reduce spontaneous purchases.

People had to go too far to see the ticket person and most of his or her windows would be hidden. Customers would not feel safe and comfortable. To spot a liar look for barriers and closed windows. Don’t look like a liar and keep your windows open.

Why Can’t We Be Friends? — Withdrawn Behavior

If we are comfortable with ourselves and the person we are with, and the topic we are discussing, we will be open and friendly. Liars don’t usually feel very comfortable so they tend to hold back and be less friendly. It is easier for friends and intimates to lie successfully because they appear less withdrawn and friendlier. Perhaps they work harder at lying because the person knows them, perhaps they are more concerned about the consequences of detection or maybe they are better at it because they have experience lying to the person in the past. In any case they lie differently and as with career criminals, they can usually maintain a more relaxed overall demeanor and look the person straight in the eye.

Strangers need to work harder to keep others from seeing the truth. Consequently, they are more withdrawn and closed off from the person with whom they are conversing and usually don’t appear as friendly. You have heard for years that you need to be friendly with the customer. Now you know why.

Our ancestors went to the friendly tribes to trade. These days getting a front line service representative to love their jobs and enjoy dealing with the customers is incredibly difficult. Attitude problems and surly help seem be the norm. You can’t just tell the help to smile. Employees need to be comfortable with their tasks and knowledge. Ask yourself “am I giving enough time to training and what am I doing to make the workplace friendly? To spot a liar look for someone unfriendly. Don’t look like a liar by reaching out, being open and receptive.

I Want To Sell You A Car! — Excessive Confidence

Have you ever experienced a super smooth salesperson? He may have over enthusiastically praised the product and you felt uncomfortable about his pitch? Then you have deciphered a lie by noting that the person sounded too good or too confident. We look and listen for anything that doesn’t sound normal. Nonverbal communication, in this case paralanguage, which included things like voice, tone, volume, and speaking rate that sounds over confident or overacted is read at the subconscious level as out of the norm. Years ago a friend who was a very successful computer salesman came over to my office to do some selling for me over the phone. Instead of having a planned patter he hemmed and hawed and stumbled over his words. His mistakes surprised me. I thought he was just warming up. Five calls latter he was still sounding awkward. So I gathered up my courage and asked him about his behavior. He said, “Oh, when I first started as a salesman I was very awkward and very successful.”

People went out of their way to be nice to me on the phone. Sometimes they even finished my sales pitch for me! I noticed later when I became very confident (make that cocky and fake) that I was not as successful, in fact my prospects hung up on me! So I stayed very humble. I don’t worry about sounding smooth and perfect. Just being my bumbling self works for me. What my friend was experiencing is a nonverbal effect of deception. When nonverbal communication, in this case paralanguage, which includes things like voice tone, volume, speaking rate read at a subconscious level as false, our internal alarms go off. Spot a liar by going with your gut impression. Your instincts read fake at a hundred paces. Normal levels of confidence, however, also read as sincere. Don’t look like a liar by being your real self.

Don’t Cry For Me Argentina — Circumstances Not Matching Demeanor

One of the first things you look for when reading body language is the alignment of the circumstances to the demeanor of the person talking to you. For instance, in Connie Chung’s television interview with Congressman Gary Condit, we expected him to be emotionally upset and embarrassed, considering he was a politician suspected of having an affair with a young woman who had been missing for 115 days.

Instead, he began the interview calmly and proceeded to become indignant. This demeanor was not what we expected. The lack of appropriateness is a sign that the person is not being sincere. When I was driving back from New York a few days after September 11th gas station attendants continued to say with feigned brightness “Have a nice day.” They were on automatic pilot. I knew they didn’t even realize how they sounded. Oddly enough when I shared that I was coming back from New York near Ground Zero each and every person became real and in the moment. Spot a liar who uses a planned “It’s a great day. May I help you?” delivery. Don’t look like a liar by being in the moment.

Nothing Is Wrong! — Nonverbal Behavior Does Not Match Spoken Words

When the spoken words don’t agree with the nonverbal communication, we generally trust the nonverbal communication to tell us the truth. When a customer says nothing is wrong, while sitting with arms wrapped tightly around the body and a scowl on the face, we doubt her sincerity. If service rep says “yes, we can do that for you” while shaking his head “no,” we can be sure he is, at least, ambivalent about the answer. Spot a liar by watching for lack of synchronicity. The subconscious reveals the truth. If the service person says, “This is a great service contract,” while rubbing the eyes, it doesn’t; look right, the ears, it doesn’t sound right or the nose, it stinks. Look credible by having your body language match what you are saying.

A smile is the most common facial expression to mask emotions. It is often used to mask displeasure and anger. A real smile changes the entire face. The eyes light up. The forehead wrinkles, the eyebrows and cheek muscles rise, skin around the eyes and mouth crinkles and finally the mouth turns up. In a masking smile, nothing moves but the corners of the mouth and often they curve up rather than down.

Knowing these cues can help you decipher when someone else is being less than forthcoming. Sometimes people say: “It’s all in your mind.” Now you know “It’s all in your body.”

http://www.pattiwood.net/article.asp?PageID=2314

I HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF AT ALL COSTS
– even if it keeps me from being loved!I

Previous: UNDER-Trusting

NOTE: It’s very important to remember we are not to blame for being deeply mistrustful of everyone. We have experienced many, many betrayals by the important people in our lives – whether by family, friends, spouse, school, church or government. Some or all of these betrayals are so extreme that we may never be able to forgive, regardless of what the ‘gurus’ tell us. This is not to deny the benefits of forgiveness – just that if we are not able to do it (yet) but believe we should, ‘or else’, we unfairly add to our self-hate & sense of failure.
• The point to this post is to make it clear how we perpetuate the patterns set down for us by our trauma (see CDs: INFO & the Brain) so we can stop beating ourselves up or feeling ashamed, & instead try out new internal beliefs & external actions

PATTERNS* of Mistrust
* All of these are being generated by the WIC in an attempt to protect us from further harm, but are totally unsuccessful, since they prevent us from getting the closeness & love we need. And all are forms of control – which is always based on trying to prevent being abandoned in P.M.E.S. ways

a. FAKE ME – we clearly got the message that who & what we were as a child was unacceptable to our parents. So as adults, when interacting with others, we try to ‘improve’ our personality by twisting ourselves unnaturally into something we think this present-day person or group is going to want
• We spend a lot of time trying to figure out “how I should feel”, “what I should wear”, “what I’m going to say”…… & never get it quite right, because it’s artificial. Of course, if we are being run by our WIC, we don’t know who we are or how to relate from a place of empowerment, so it is very hard to be healthy and safe at the same time

b. LABELING – some of us decide at the beginning of a relationship (potential friend or lover) what kind it’s going to be, without having enough information about the other person or giving it enough time to develop organically. We may think:
• “This is just going to be a friendship” • “This one is just for sex”
• “This one isn’t going to last” • “This is just casual”
• “This is permanent” • “This is the one I can’t live without”

Again, this is trying to control the outcome and be prepared for the inevitable abandonment we expect. Preconceived notions may –
– actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy of loss because we prevented it from growing into something positive
– shock us with unexpected results, if we have illusions about it
– severely disappoint all unrealistic expectations
– occasionally surprise us by turning into something better than hoped for

c. PARANOIA – because we were so often hurt as a child, we conclude that for the rest of our lives everyone will inevitably do us harm, sooner or later. So we assume the worst of everyone we meet, men & women, altho’ some of us may be more afraid of one gender than another, depending on which parent was crueler. This is our reaction even with people who have proven to consistently treat us well, making it hard to benefit from anyone who can be there for us – in healthy ways

d. MIND-READING – we’re always trying to figure out
– WHY they did or didn’t do something (“Why hasn’t he called me back?”, “Why did they leave?”…) because we think that if we can figure it out, we can fix ourselves so they won’t leave us, or so they’ll come back
– WHAT they are thinking in general, & specifically about us, so we know where we stand, what they want from us, how we should behave ……. Our co-dependence makes us assume that if they like us we‘re allowed to live, but if they disapprove or are angry at us we should be dead! & this happens over & over with each person, so we’re like emotional yo-yos

e. OVER-TRUSTING (recent post) – everyone tells us about themselves, subtly or not, yet we ignore all the unhealthy things we hear & experience in people we ‘need’, staying too long at the party & getting trampled! Then wonder why we can’t trust

f. BACK-DOOR – at the same time we build-in a defense strategy in relationships to manage our FoA by automatically looking for flaws in others, which we can use as an excuse to escape the minute we feel disappointed (they failed our test) – by not reading our mind, not rescuing us, not symbiosing with us…. It’s our ‘fear of commitment’, so we never quite have both feet firmly in the relationship, BUT then complain that we can’t connect / don’t feel close / aren’t valued….
• an extreme version of this is when we really do want to get out of a relationship but don’t have the right or the courage to do it directly — we create drama (fights, an affair, constantly pressuring them….), pushing the other person away in order to force them into doing the leaving. BUT then we feel abandoned & unloved – & angry!

g. TESTING – on the one hand we have created a set of rules for others to follow (no matter what kind of relationship), often unconsciously AND which we don’t tell the other person about. Our rules:
– are the good ways we wish we could be treated, but are not allowed to ask for directly or do for ourselves
– represent our demand that others be the good parents we didn’t have
– are the measuring stick we use so we can know what to expect – so we won’t be conned & to not feel so vulnerable
• Then we wait to see how many rules they fulfill or which ones they violate – & when they fail the test we can feel justified in our anger & disenchantment with them – & all of humanity!

h. The THIRD DEGREE – on the other hand, we may try to be safe by asking endless questions, probing to see what’s really going on, to see if the situation is safe, what do they like, want, need…..
NOTE: Information about who people are is legitimate & necessary – but here we’re talking about frantic, incessant interrogation because of not trusting or believing in our perceptions, or letting things unfold slowly

i. PREEMPTIVE STRIKES – verbally attack or threaten physical harm ahead of assumed danger, especially if someone has inadvertently pushed one of our old buttons, like accusing us wrongly or acting needy
Exp: One young woman threatened each new lover with bodily harm on the first date if he ever did or said anything to scare her
Exp: Another young woman reacted with great anger when a new boyfriend would innocently ask if she cooked. She’d spit out “I wouldn’t be caught dead cooking!”

https://acoarecovery.wordpress.com/2011/06/30/acoas-patterns-of-mistrust/

‘I Don’t Trust Women’: Don’t Believe the Hype
By Bene | February 1, 2011

At work you’ve formed a cordial relationship with one of the other women, and you start eating lunch with her regularly. Both of you share some of the same interests, the two of you are always laughing together and seem to get along well. Eventually, the break room chats turn into hanging out occasionally after work. In a random conversation over cocktails and appetizers you tell the story about the time you and your besties went to Miami, partied and relaxed on the beach for a much needed vacation. Something in her eyes indicates she can’t relate, and her statement later confirms it.

“I don’t hang with females. And I don’t have any female friends because women can’t be trusted,” she says.

Although you can understand where she’s coming from, your immediate response is a blank stare. In our lifetime, majority of women have heard at least one woman mumble something similar to the above sentiments. Distrust of women, especially women of color, is at an all time high. Too many Black women have adopted a mentality of automatically having a negative perception of other black women. We have got to stop this.

I know the pain of being hurt by women who I’ve considered dear friends. There have been women who have smiled in my face, who I thought were friends, but then talked about me behind my back. I’m not oblivious to the gut-wrenching pain of losing girlfriends you’ve had for years. But I also know this has only been a small percentage of my experience with women.

A life without girlfriends, presumably, would be a life of misery. It is your girlfriends who nurse you back to health after an unexpected surgery. Girlfriends allow you to cry on their shoulders when a guy breaks your heart. It is your female friends who won’t judge you when you do something stupid, but has the courage to tell you the truth. A bond of sisterhood is invaluable to your life as a woman.

I’ve never rolled with a clique. I think the friendships portrayed in TV shows like “Girlfriends” and “Sex and the City,” where a group of women are all friends, is rare. However, I do have women I’ve met in my lifetime who will always be like sisters. Most of them don’t know each other, and we all have moved to different states. Yet, my friends are my biggest cheerleaders and vice versa.

Due to patriarchy, Black women are conditioned to be hostile toward one another. There are times we will mug each other for no reason, or have unnecessary attitudes toward women we don’t even know. Just the other day, my friend and I were talking about how some black women are suspicious when we throw an unexpected compliment their way. Some give a disapproving look like, “Why are you even approaching me? I don’t know you.” Only to find out you just want to tell her how fierce her shoes are.

Then there are the women who proudly proclaim, “I have all male friends. I’m like one of the guys.” They wear their “one of the guys” title like a badge of honor. And a lot of times it is in the presence of men, almost as if they are trying to impress the men by acknowledging their distrust of women. I’ve heard it all from men are easier to get along with to men don’t gossip like women. Let me be the first to debunk that myth right now. Men do gossip; sometimes, just as much as some women.

Not trusting all women says more about you than it does about the women you don’t trust. There is no reason we as women should believe this notion that women are untrustworthy. Enough of that nonsense is coming out of men’s mouths. Let’s not buy the hype.

A network of women can truly move mountains. Look at Oprah. Her success has largely been in part because of the women who have supported her over the years. DJ Beverly Bond, creator of “Black Girls Rock,” was able to promote her message because of women.

Frankly, I’m leery of anyone who says she doesn’t trust women or doesn’t have any girlfriends. We definitely have to be more conscientious about the ideas we put out and believe about one another. I love my male friends dearly, but I couldn’t imagine my life without my girls. And I hope every woman feels this way about at least one woman in her life.

Women united are a mighty force.

@WrittenByBene

http://bitchielife.necolebitchie.com/2011/02/i-dont-trust-women-dont-believe-the-hype/