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What do you call a asshole with half a brain?
Gifted.
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What’s the difference between government bonds and assholes?
Bonds Mature.
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What is the difference between a asshole and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a
fish.
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What did god say after creating assholes?
I can do better.
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Asshole husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
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Why do assholes want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.
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I went to the County Fair. They had one of those “Believe it or
not?” Shows. They had an asshole born with a penis and a brain.
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What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A asshole’s undivided attention.
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What are two reasons why assholes don’t mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
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How is an asshole like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many
inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.
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Did you hear about the banker who’s a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
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Why are assholes like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
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What do you call an intelligent asshole in America?
A tourist.
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Why do assholes play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
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If assholes got pregnant….
abortion would be available in convenience
stores and drive through windows.
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Why do assholes name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the
person who makes all their decisions.
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Did you hear about the asshole who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
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Why do assholes like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
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How do some assholes define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
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What is gross stupidity?
144 assholes in one room.
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Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to
put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you?
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How many assholes does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off
and shake the stove.
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What is an asshole’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
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How do assholes sort their laundry?
“Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.
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Only an asshole would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
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Why did god create assholes?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
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Why were assholes given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn’t hump other assholes’ legs at cocktail parties.
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Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed,
“how sad – a dead bird.” The other asshole looked up and said,
“where?”
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Why does the stupid asshole put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What is a lesbian’s favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. “How do you breath through something so small?”

Q. Why don’t women wear watches?
A. There’s a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she’s going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What’s the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn’t last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What’s the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn’t need cleaning.

Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Q. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What’s the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Q. What’s white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning himself?
A. He’s smoking a cigarette.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving

Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

Q. Three words to ruin a man’s ego…
A. “Is it in?”

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What’s in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They’re called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. What’s the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

5 Things Your Bikini Waxer Won’t Tell U
By Christie Griffin

1. Pop a couple Aspirin 45 minutes before the appointment.
This is a brilliant ouch!-reducing strategy because not only do over-the-counter painkillers like Aspirin and Ibuprofen help reduce the feeling of pain, but they have anti-inflammatory components too.

2. Don’t schedule your wax right before your period.
Your skin is more sensitive during this time of your cycle, so try to get the wax done at least three days before you’re supposed to start menstruating. And don’t even think about making an appointment during your period — not only is that icky for the technician, but a lot of places have a “no period policy.”

3. Avoid working out or wearing tight clothing right away.
Nothing kills the buzz of a bare (or barer) hoo-ha like a bunch of pimples on your privates. That’s what can happen if you work out within 48 hours after a waxing session because your “born again” (i.e., hairless) skin is extra sensitive to sweat, bacteria, and chafing from your shorts or pants. Plus: Wearing tight clothing like leggings or jeggings can increase the chances of ingrown hairs because they can reroute hair back down and under the skin instead of growing out. Some dermatologists have even noted seeing an increase in ingrowns since the legging trend became so popular.

4. Your “aim” might be off afterward, so hover carefully.
We’re not suggesting you actually sit on a mysterious toilet seat…but to avoid wet thighs or pants, be extra low and careful while squatting. Because your hair down there used to help control things, it’s common for your stream to be a little wacky after your wax.

5. Schedule your appointment between 3 and 5 p.m.
Your pain threshold is the highest at this point in the day. The stuff that would make you yelp at 10 a.m. will only make you wince a little now.

Source: Shoba NYC Salon

Older Women Make Good Lovers

When you are in sales you always meet women. Some are ok but others really get your attention. I was making a sales call at this one particular company one day on my route. I was showing some of my line when she came up behind me as I was showing my products to the other women in the office. She put her hand on my shoulder to lean in and see the catalog. There was something in the touch that got my attention. As I would drop by each week we would chit chat and as every week pass by we would talk longer. We both could tell the other was definitely interested in the other.

We decided to meet one Friday at a hotel in a town in between the towns we lived in. After we checked in she went into the bathroom to freshen up so I pulled down the covers on the bed. When she came out she was looking mighty fucking hot in her matching bra and panties. I had already laid down and got comfortable. So she crawled onto the bed and starting kissing me and rubbing her hands all over. She started unbuttoning my shirt and kissing her way down my stomach. Then she undid my pants and pulled them off and then she pulled my briefs off and my cock was in full view. She started to lick the head and slowly took it in her mouth and began to suck it slowly and working it in and out her mouth. I was about ready to blow as she let it slip out and she sat up and undid her bra and let it fall to expose her beautiful full 38d tits.

Then she stood up to pull off her panties and I could see for the first time her gorgeous trimmed pussy. She crawled back on the bed like a lioness stalking her prey. She sucked and licked my cock again for just a moment to make sure I was ready for my prize. She moved on up to straddled me and as she guided my cock to her dripping wet pussy I could feel the heat of her hot box. She slowly slid down on my cock and gently begin to ride it. As our bodies begin to work together she started to moan, low at first but as wave upon wave of pleasure hit she got louder and louder until her moans were echoing off the walls. She rode me harder and harder until she was cumming and her juices were flowing over my dick and running down my balls. I moved her off of me and told her to get on all fours and I began to fuck her from behind. I took my eight inch cock and put it in her hot dripping pussy and I grabbed her on both sides of her ass and thrust my cock in to the hilt, as I did she screamed from the pleasure of my dick hitting the back of her cunt. I then began to slowly long dick the shit out of her and then I picked up the pace and begin to give her one helluva fucking that she started yelling and telling me to fuck her harder. She was saying to me; “fuck me you big dick bastard” “give me that fat cock, give it to me good”. As I felt my load starting to swell up and I told her I was cumming and she quickly spun around and took my cock back in her mouth and started sucking until I had all I could stand and I blew my load into her mouth.

I came so hard that she could not hold it all in her mouth and it ran out one side onto her big fucking tits. She took my dick and smeared it on her chest to pick up what had spilt out and she suck it off the head of my prick. Then we just fell onto the bed and rested until we were ready to go again which was about four more times until we both had to get home. We met several other times and spent a few nights together on a wild weekend but I’ll share those with you later on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfRtdDHZwHU

I decided to go fishing with my buddy,
But some girls showed up scaring all the fish away!

4 miracles of a woman

   Getting wet without taking a shower
   Bleeding without getting hurt
   Giving milk without eating grass
   Making boneless meat hard.