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Five Reasons to Think Before You Speak 

Here are some of the thoughts I try to run through my head – before words run out my mouth.

1)     Was intentionality involved?

If responding to something someone said or did, ask yourself if there was intentionality involved. Did the other person mean to be unkind?

Before reacting to words or actions I might not employ myself, I will still try to understand motive. I’ll try to ask myself if the other person meant to be mean or if he was simply being ignorant.

If someone is simply being thoughtless, it’s usually not worth the energy required for a clever put-down. If a person is really ignorant, he might not even understand my barb, and not being understood has never made me feel good.

2)    What (exactly) am I reacting to?

Before making a verbal response to something I don’t like, I will ask myself if my issue is with the person, with a comment or action, or with me.

If I just don’t like the person, I will remind myself that there’s probably nothing he could say that I’d agree with, so reacting to any specific comment is not going to help us get along, which is probably all I might hope for in the relationship.

If I am reacting to a comment, I will try thinking about ways to disagree with the comment without making the person look stupid, feel defensive or wrong. This doesn’t mean I will stay silent, but I will definitely spend time composing my words before firing them off.

I will also ask myself if I experienced anything recently that frustrated me. If I am really resentful or angry about getting a parking ticket or something else that happened to me that day, it’s unfair to be flippant to someone who just happens to be in front of me.

3)    Who do I want to be?

Before making any kind of comment in reaction to something, I want to remember that to other people, what I say is who I am.

When I was a younger woman, I felt self-conscious that I didn’t have a traditional job. I wasn’t a teacher or accountant or lawyer. I often felt bad about this and when, in a social setting, I’d be asked, “What do you do?” I’d often announce “I’m a female impersonator.”  I’d do this to be clever and to confuse people. When I’d say this, people would stare at me, often unsure how to respond.  I don’t talk this way anymore, especially with people I don’t know.

When I say “what I say is who I am,” I don’t mean I believe I can be whatever I tell people about myself. I mean that speaking truthfully is more important to me than being clever or disarming.

A person who speaks truthfully and considerately is who I want to be in the world, how I want to be perceived.  My words are at least if not more important to my public image than clean clothes and combed hair.

It’s good to think about the impression you want to make and the person you want to be before making the first pointed quip that comes to mind.

4)    What is my relationship with this other person?

If a relationship is important to you, building up a case to prove you’re right about something should be far less important than letting the other person know he or she is important to you. Not that you have to put yourself down or lie to make someone else feel good, but if your main reason for speaking is to build yourself up, you might re-think your contribution to the conversation.

Do you want to encourage trust? Demonstrate competence? Kindness? Understanding? Cooperation?  What qualities would be important to the relationship?

Even if you want to show off your sense of humor and quick wit, think of who you are with and about how you can do this without going totally negative. Lots of friendships revolve around sharing wicked clever observations, but sometimes going too negative will just make you look lame.

5)  Who are you judging?

The other week, my boyfriend commented to me on how he thought I was acting particularly spacey. I did a quick inventory of moods that probably visited me that day and I didn’t feel spacey applied. I probably could have admitted to being impatient or other less than angel perfect ways but didn’t feel I owned this category. Then I realized he forgot to take his wallet when he left for work in the morning.

He was projecting. I know I do this, too, at times. I think most people have done this; criticizing someone for reminding them of something they don’t like in themselves.

So, before responding to someone in a particularly critical way, I try to ask myself if there is any judgment about myself hidden in what I think I see in the other person.

I don’t think I’m espousing the Sunday School philosophy “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything,” but I recognize that in the heat of a conversation or as a reaction to a person or type of person I don’t especially like, I have wished I could take something I said back.

I have learned to save sarcasm for friends I know well and am grateful when I think before I speak.

http://www.dumblittleman.com/2013/07/five-reasons-to-think-before-you-speak.html

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Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.

Napoleon Hill

 

 

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In Memoriam

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

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Relaxing Location

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

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A Dime a Dozen

While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.

“Excuse me,” I said, approaching a clerk. “I’m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes.”

Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, “Take your pick.”

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Changing With the Times

When I was in high school, I wore Birkenstocks. Or as I call them now, the ’90s version of a purity ring.

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Teeth Cleaning

The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. “Cool, Grandma!” he said. “Now take off your arm.”

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8 Ways Men Try to Maintain the Upper Hand

Women control us.

They can catapult us into instant, spontaneous lust, and, at the same time, into a knee-buckling fear of rejection. The very thought of a ripe, firm body can tyrannize our thoughts, leaving us sweaty and panting and out of control. And the dangling promise of sex can have us jumping through every female hoop imaginable.

Not a good situation. As men, we need to learn to turn the tables on this kind of female domination; to regain the upper hand in our interaction with the opposite sex. So how do we do this? Here are a few ways to put you back in the driver’s seat in your dating life.

1. Wussy not

Desperation stinks, and women can sniff out insecurity. So even if you’re Brad Pitt’s better-looking brother, you still need to exude tons of confidence if you want to attract the ladies. This doesn’t mean arrogance or acting like a selfish jerk. It means living with a secure sense of your masculine self; a rock-solid belief in your own worthiness as a desirable man.

Don’t wussy out.

Wussy guys are always seeking approval from women ‘- paying for female attention, pandering to their every desire, acting as if a woman is doing them a favor by even talking to them. They are desperate for sex and terrified of rejection. They hover around the fringes, hoping to get noticed by available females.

Instead of asking women out, they give them their business cards, then wait by a phone that never rings. They allow themselves to be sex-ploited by women. In other words, they act like doormats, not men. The result? Women either lose all respect and get turned off, or simply take advantage of them.

Women love confident men. So even if you feel like jelly inside, act confident around the opposite sex. Have a plan for your life. Have a direction. Work out, eat right. Feel good about yourself. Be proactive in your relations with women. All this will show on your face and women will instantly recognize it.

2. No more games

Playing hard-to-get, not returning phone calls, seeing how many hoops they can make a guy jump through ‘- women love to play these games. Games empower women. They instinctively know how to keep men off balance and how to keep them coming back, panting for more. Every game a woman plays is a test in her mind ‘- she’s testing you to see how much you’ll put up with (in other words, how much she can get away with), how desperate you are for sex and how successful your dating life is (the more you tolerate her tests, the more of a dating loser you are).

So if you want to get the upper hand, you absolutely haveto call her on her games. If she plays hard to get, then tell her you have no time for it, and it’s been nice knowing her. If she doesn’t return your call, stop calling her. Most guys do the opposite ‘- when a woman makes herself unavailable, they double or triple the effort of their pursuit. They call 10 times a day. They send flowers. They show up at her workplace. They play right into a woman’s hands and surrender all control of the relationship. Don’t do this.

3. Keep it in your pants

Women know they can control men with sex. They know that most men will do anything for even a chance at getting laid. So if you want the upper hand, you have to be the master of your domain ‘- you can’t let Little Elvis lead you around by the nose. As soon as you need a woman, you’ve handed her total control on a plate. But if you change your attitude from needing to wanting, then you’ve taken a vital step toward upper-hand freedom.

So don’t jump when she offers sex. Don’t always be the one who initiates bedtime fun. If she starts playing manipulation games, act like her body doesn’t turn you on. If she knows she has you by the balls, it’s all over, buddy.

4. Don’t be at her beck & call

Women love a challenge ‘- as soon as they find out they can’t have something, they want it 100 times more. It’s the basic stuff of their psychology. So at the start of a new relationship, be a bit aloof. Don’t be a yes-man.

Take a page from her playbook and don’t return all her calls. Be busy. Don’t be available every weekend (and don’t offer explanations about your plans). Keep her wondering if you really want to be with her. Make her work for it ‘- this will keep the power balance out of her clutches.

5. Develop a new attitude

Putting women on pedestals may be great for them, but it’s dating suicide for guys. A lot of men act like a woman is doing them a favor by dating them, as if she’s a great prize they have to prove themselves worthy of attaining. In other words, women have what men want, and men have to work hard to get it. This is just another case of handing all your power over to women. So turn this around ‘- change your basic attitude. You’re the prize, not her. It goes hand-in-hand with your essential confidence.

6. Have a backup

Women love to get their way. They throw tantrums, they cry, they manipulate men with sexual blackmail. This is not to be tolerated, so at the first sign of any serious BS from your woman, be prepared to walk. If you roll over and wuss out, you’re doomed. She’s looking for control and you can’t afford to give it to her. At the start of a new relationship, the Upper Hand Guy always has a few strings to his bow, so before you get too involved, it’s not a bad idea to have a backup woman in your stable if your new girlfriend goes ballistic. This way, it’s easy to take a walk with the knowledge that you have somewhere to go.

7. Be awesome in bed

Unlike men, women can get laid any time they desire, simply by asking. But women are far more discriminating about their sexual choices than men are ‘- and they are looking for great sex. To maintain the upper hand, you have to make sure you’re a champion between the sheets. Most guys are so average in the sex department that if you know how to please her, she won’t want to lose you. This gives you excellent upper-hand leverage.

8. Make a ton of money

If you really want the upper hand, get rich ‘- you will have women kissing your feet.

Stay on Top

Women love to control relationships. And too many guys just wuss out and hand over all their power, letting their sex drive get in the way of any common sense. But it doesn’t have to be like this, as long as we guys make the effort to change the balance of this power, to take back the upper hand.

Ultimately, a relationship should not be about control, but about partnership ‘- a lesson that women will only learn if we take the upper hand and teach them.

http://www.ivillage.com/8-ways-men-try-maintain-upper-hand-0/4-a-283780

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How to Get Over an Abusive Girlfriend or Wife: Break the Routines

Written by on November 16, 2010

She’s finally out of your life. The last of her things have been removed from your home, and she’s gone. You have a tremendous sense of emptiness, and a tremendous sense of relief. And, let’s face it, you feel pretty guilty about feeling the relief.

What do you do next? The house is finally quiet. She’s not there to scream at you. She’s not there to dictate what you eat, what you watch on TV, what music you listen to, what you wear, how long you’re in the bathroom, what brand of soap to use, how long to wash your hands, how to fold the towels, or the sheets, what time you go to bed, or what time you get up, when and how you talk to her, and what time you’re allowed to come home from work.  What do you do?!

 

Your ex may not have been this controlling.  Mine was. And when she was finally gone, the silence was deafening.

As I’ve written about before, her controlling nature and gaslighting eventually caused me severe cognitive difficulties. I was simply unable to function. One day, I even made it halfway to work, and noticed I was still wearing my pajamas.  I had to stop at Target and buy clothes on my way in.  Even now, two years out, I still have memory lapses, difficulty remembering names or other simple things.  But that’s something for another post.

What do you do when she’s gone? Break the routines.  Stop doing everything her way. Stop. You didn’t do things that way before she came into your life and you managed pretty well, didn’t you?  Remember? Every habit of hers you’ve taken on, even if it is something as simple as folding the towels a certain way to appease her, needs to stop.

This will take effort.

One thing my ex insisted on was that we enter and exit the apartment via the back door. The front door was not to be used under any circumstances. To this day, I have no idea why. After she left, I noticed that I was still using the back door. I forced myself to stop. Even if I’d already entered or exited via the back door, I made myself turn around, go back, and use the front door. It took a while, but I got it.

Now is your chance to do all those things you were forbidden to do. Watch gory movies! Turn the music up loud! Leave the dishes until the following day! Cook what you want for dinner. Stay up as late as you want. Rediscover the things you used to enjoy doing.

Did she make you sit through endless hours of Sex and the City or Grey’s Anatomy? Put in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, or The Godfather. Go buy that thing she wouldn’t let you own.

When you’re ready to take the next step, there are a few things I would suggest:

  1. Get a new bed: Seriously, I cannot even begin to emphasize how much this helps psychologically. There’s too much history wrapped up in the old bed. Get rid of it. Start fresh. I promise, you will sleep better.
  2. Change the locks: This should be a no-brainer. You don’t know if she’s surreptitiously made copies of keys, or taken hers with her. Take charge of the security of your surroundings. She does NOT need access to the home anymore. You don’t need to come home and find her there or your personal possessions missing.
  3. Return her mail: Chances are that she probably has not filed a change-of-address form with the post office. You will get mail for her, which she can then blame you for not forwarding. DO NOT FORWARD HER MAIL TO HER. YOU ARE NOT HER POST OFFICE. There are trained professionals who do that. They are called mail carriers. There is something deeply satisfying about marking her mail “no longer lives here, return to sender” and dropping it in the mailbox. Not your fault if she doesn’t get her latest credit card, W-2 or other important document on time. She should have filed with the post office.
  4. Change your phone number: If you have children, this, unfortunately, probably isn’t good advice. But, if you don’t, there’s no reason she needs to know how to get a hold of you anymore.
  5. Change your e-mail address: See above. Coupled with the fact that she, in all honesty, has probably hacked into your e-mail, looking for something to use against you. My ex gained access to my e-mail and I felt extremely violated. In fact, I stopped answering (or even checking) my e-mail for months afterward.  Eventually, upon settling on a new e-mail address, I’ve gotten better about this. Again, if you have kids (which, really is the only reason to maintain contact that I can think of, this may not be an option).
  6. Move: Eventually, the memories of being with her in my old apartment became too much. I was in constant fear that I would find her there waiting for me. Additionally, there wasn’t a room in the apartment that didn’t have “psychic residue” of too many fights lingering in the air. I relocated to another town entirely and live in a place that has no shared history with her. I am happier and feel safer than I ever did in the old place.  She and I lived together for 7 months, but that was enough to completely obliterate the “good” memories I’d had in the two years in that apartment prior to her being there. Start over. Start fresh.

If you are the one leaving, rather than her, you can still do pretty much all of these things. If there aren’t kids involved, again, I can’t think of any good or logical reason for her to know your whereabouts. Just make sure you fill out the change-of-address card with the post office. You don’t need her reading your mail.

Finally, and this is particularly hard – I KNOW – be prepared to sacrifice mutual friends. I know that some of them are good people. I know that some of them are close friends. But if they weren’t your friends before the relationship, they may not be your friends after the relationship.

Chances are, you’ve been smeared to them for quite some time and they will probably have a warped view of you. Even if that’s not the case, you don’t need to accidentally run into her, via them, or have them inadvertently let her know where you are. Letting go of some of these friends will hurt. But, I promise you, the security and peace of mind you have with her out of your life, and not knowing where you are, will more than make up for it. While I’m at it, there is absolutely NO reason to maintain contact with her family, unless, again, there are kids involved.

Break the routines she instilled in you.

Build new ones, and better ones; ones that are your own.

It’s your life, again. You have it back.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes.

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What do you call a asshole with half a brain?
Gifted.
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What’s the difference between government bonds and assholes?
Bonds Mature.
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What is the difference between a asshole and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a
fish.
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What did god say after creating assholes?
I can do better.
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Asshole husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
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Why do assholes want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.
—————————————————————————-

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those “Believe it or
not?” Shows. They had an asshole born with a penis and a brain.
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What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A asshole’s undivided attention.
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What are two reasons why assholes don’t mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
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How is an asshole like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many
inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.
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Did you hear about the banker who’s a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
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Why are assholes like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
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What do you call an intelligent asshole in America?
A tourist.
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Why do assholes play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
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If assholes got pregnant….
abortion would be available in convenience
stores and drive through windows.
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Why do assholes name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the
person who makes all their decisions.
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Did you hear about the asshole who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
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Why do assholes like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
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How do some assholes define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
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What is gross stupidity?
144 assholes in one room.
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Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to
put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you?
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How many assholes does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off
and shake the stove.
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What is an asshole’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
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How do assholes sort their laundry?
“Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.
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Only an asshole would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
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Why did god create assholes?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
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Why were assholes given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn’t hump other assholes’ legs at cocktail parties.
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Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed,
“how sad – a dead bird.” The other asshole looked up and said,
“where?”
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Why does the stupid asshole put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.