Old Age Jokes

In Memoriam

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

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Relaxing Location

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

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A Dime a Dozen

While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.

“Excuse me,” I said, approaching a clerk. “I’m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes.”

Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, “Take your pick.”

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Changing With the Times

When I was in high school, I wore Birkenstocks. Or as I call them now, the ’90s version of a purity ring.

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Teeth Cleaning

The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. “Cool, Grandma!” he said. “Now take off your arm.”

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How to “properly” beat your wife

How to “properly” beat your wife

whether your partner really loves you…12 signs that your partners loves you.

whether your partner really loves you…
http://secretcontents.com/12-signs-that-your-partner-really-loves-you/

1. Strength. A person who truly loves someone put all his might to the one he loves. If you notice that your guy or girl suddenly feels weak (or colloquially feels like dying) when you have done something to hurt him or her, then it’s an indication that your partner loves you and has placed all his power on you.

2. Joy. A man who falls in love transfers his happiness to the happiness of another. In other words, your true happiness is his priority, even if it means sacrificing his own happiness. So if your partner got a $1,000 bonus and spend it by buying you a nice necklace you’ve been wanting instead of acquiring the gadget he wanted to have this month, then your partner is really falling in love with you.

3. Enthusiasm. Let’s admit it! When we love someone, we are very interested in them. If your guy historically hates to watch romantic and crying movies, but enjoys when he watch one of those kind of movies with you at the theater, then it’s a sign that you can turn his mode and interest – he loves you.

4. Realized dream. Dreaming someone doesn’t absolutely means loving someone. But if you consider a person as your dream came true, then it’s a different story. If your partner is a sleeper and a dreamer, but can hardly close his own eyes to sleep when your beside him, and when he enjoys staring at you while you are sleep, then it could be a sign that he don’t need to dream anymore – because his dream (you) has already come into reality. He is happy, contented and really loves you.

5. Fear. When we love somebody, we serve him. Likewise, when we serve somebody, we fear him. What does this means? This means that you can identify a person if he indeed loves you if he is afraid to do anything that will destroy your relationship with him. If someone really loves you, he has fear that creates his care for you.

6. Transformation. This means exiting from the bad world and saying hello to the realm of love and kindness. True love brings and binds all the good virtues of a person, such as humility, patience, honesty, gentleness, peacefulness and self-control. If you observe that your sweetheart starts quitting smoking, begins cleaning his messy room and losing interest in going to nightclubs and wild parties, then it could be an excellent symptom that your dear has a real love for you.

7. Future. Does he or she keeps on talking about his or her plans for the two of you, including your future children? Does your honey really discussing real and attainable plans? Is he already executing the initial steps and procedures to realize those plans? If your answers to those questions are affirmative, then you are blessed to have him.

8. Sight. People can feel affection at first sight. But does it mean we should only have love at first sight? If your partner is always looking at you like it was always love at first sight for him, then you are not just the apple of his eyes, but also the love of his heart.

9. Time. Time is gold because it is so precious that when lost, it never be found again. That is why you can recognize someone who is really in love when he can give you his precious time. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is always telling you on the phone that he or she always misses you but never cares to visit you, then it could be a red flag for words without means. But if he can cancel his hectic schedules just to see you, then you are a more precious gem to him – more valuable than gold.

10. Mystery. It’s your birthday, so he has given you a presence. Then it’s your third year anniversary, so he bought you a diamond ring, a bunch of red roses, and brought you in the most quixotic restaurant in town for a romantic dinner. That’s good that he has a great memory to remember your special dates in the calendar. Alas, this is not a definite sign that he truly loves you, especially when he becomes bitter on the ordinary days. Have you experienced moments when your husband gives you your most favorite chocolates, some fresh flowers, embrace you and tell you sweetly that he loves you? And you wonder why he did that since it is neither your birthday nor it is Valentine’s Day? Well, it maybe a mystery but it is the mystery of love. People who truthfully love someone automatically do the feat of love anywhere and in anytime.

11. Compromise. Pride, selfishness and greed are all indications of the absence of love. But sometimes we are contaminated by these tough forces of evil. Here, true love is shown when we can compromise these things and instead turn to the rebuke of humility, selflessness and kindness. If your wife admits her mistake and shallow her pride to preserve your relationship in harmony and in peace, then you are fortunate to have her as a loving wife. Remember that pride is different from honor, for the first may defend what is wrong and the latter only defends what is right.

12. Mixture. Finally, you can tell that your partner really loves you if he loves to be part of your family. If he is excited to meet your parents, friends and even your old classmates; and if he is also keen to introduce you to his parents and buddies, then it is a great sign that your partner is seriously in love with you.

Now, does your partner have any or all of the signs above? If yes, then that’s great! But why not also assess yourself if you are also a partner who really loves him or her? Don’t forget that you can always improve yourself from a good lover to a great lover

What NOT to do when you realize you have a cheating spouse

What NOT to do when you realize you have a cheating spouse
http://hubpages.com/hub/two-timing
By S. Jordan

Lately you’ve been suspicious of your significant other. They appear to be taking better care of themselves, spending more time showering, getting dressed and more concerned with their appearance. He or she even went ahead and got that gym membership that you talked about at the beginning of the year. Initially, you were glad to know that all of the so called nagging you’ve been doing has finally paid off. Then it hits you. Not only are they more concerned with their physical appearance, but their new found confidence has actually changed their attitude, for the worse!

They start staying out late, going to parties and events that you aren’t invited to and paying you less attention. This person all of a sudden has friends you’ve never met (and you’ve met all of them, or so you thought)! Not to mention the private phone conversations and the sudden need to have the phone glued to their side. Heaven forbid if you innocently asked, “Who was that on the phone sweetie?” Instead of the usual Chris, Bob, Cindy or Jill it becomes an argument. MAJOR RED FLAG!

You don’t have proof but something just doesn’t seem right. It’s like a dreary thought that won’t go away. You decide to confide in your friends and family but they all say the same thing. “Do you really think he/she is cheating”? Do you have any substantial evidence? Maybe you’re just overreacting!

Deep down you know something is wrong so you confront your spouse. And not surprisingly your spouse denied it. As a matter of fact they acted as if the mere thought of cheating on you was impossible because of the love and respect they have for you. So, like the forgiving person you are, you take their word. You have no reason not to, but for some reason those negative feeling just won’t go away.

You’ve been so paranoid lately. Then all of a sudden it’s staring you right in the face. Maybe you saw the two of them together… You found a phone number and decided to call… You hired a private investigator… A trustworthy friend called to deliver the bad news! However it happened, you finally discovered that the person you love is a coldblooded cheater. You have proof, but now what? The last thing you want to do is overreact, but how could you not?! My advice is simple, so please take a deep breath and think. And try not to do this!

Do not become a stalker! If you decide to stay with your partner, do not take up a hobby as a psycho detective in your spare time. You are going to have to get over what he or she did in order to move on. Checking up on you spouse is not going to change what they did or prevent them for doing it again. You have to trust that you made the right decision to work it out, and in time you partner should prove to you (by their actions) that it was a one time slip up and it won’t happen again. If it does, maybe it’s time to move on.

Do Not Sleep around! Sometimes we have it in our head to seek revenge. And revenge to most of us is to do the exact same thing that caused the lack of trust in the relationship in the first place. “She cheated on me so I’ll do the same to her”. Not only is it childish, but it only creates more problems. This may be an old saying but, “Two wrongs don’t make a right”!

Do Not Attack the person they cheated with! This is a common mistake with many. To go after the other man or woman will not help the situation because this person did not make a commitment to you. There are some instances where the other person may be a friend or someone who is aware that you’re in a relationship, but regardless of that fact, your main concern should be with your spouse.

Do not compare yourself! I highly doubt that when your boyfriend, fiance, or husband started cheating he thought to himself, “She’s taller, cuter, slimmer, etc”. Same for you men out there! Women are not comparing looks, and if so I’m almost certain this is not the reason behind their infidelity.. That being said, the act of cheating itself is usually deeper than the physical appearance of the other person. Your partner may just have some issues within themselves that they need to work out.

Do Not Blame yourself for their infidelity! You are not responsible for anyone’s actions but your own, Period! Did YOU cheat? Were YOU unfaithful? Did YOU lie to the person you love? You see where I’m going with this. Unless you gave your spouse permission to see other people, better yet you pointed a gun to his head and said go cheat, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Do Not Resort to violence of any kind! (tire slashing, window breaking or domestic violence) especially if children are involved. You don’t want to set a bad example for your children. Legal action can also be taken against you. Depending on how far you take it, word can get out about you behavior and you can lose your job (hurt the reputation of your company), friends and disapproving family members. Plus in the end you look like the real idiot.

Letting GO
I understand that you may be going through a lot, especially if you’ve invested lots of time in the relationship. Cheating devastates any relationship, so correct me if I’m wrong to say that when a married man or woman finds out that their husband or wife cheated, it’s a little more heart breaking than a boyfriend or girlfriend who cheats, because of the level of commitment expected. Better yet, a person who has spent years with another, and those that have children together suffer more. But the first thing you should do is stop and think about whether or not this is something you are willing to try and work out. For some it’s possible to get pass the devastation and heartbreak, for other’s it’s not that simple. Whatever your course of action is, you will eventually have to learn to let it go. If you decide to work it out with your spouse, you have to get pass it and let it go. If you break up, but have children, you have to let it go for the sake of the kids. Even if you don’t have children, and decide not to stay together, you still need to let it go. The last thing you want to do is bring old baggage into a new relationship. LET IT GO!

Sex is….

Sex is….
“Duty” – if done with your Wife
“Art” – if done with your Lover
“Education” – if done with a Virgin
“Social Work” – if done with a Divorce 
&
“Meditative Trance”, if done by yourself
 
  So Stop feeling guilty,
What ever it may be……….
JUST DO IT !